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Announcer.....Chris Parnell Ted Casablanca.....Rob Riggle David Adelson.....Fred Armisen .....Bob Denver (cameo) Joe Jackson.....Kenan Thompson Sean Penn.....Seth Meyers Heckler.....Jason Sudeikis Arnold Schwarzenegger.....Darrell Hammond Tom Cruise.....Will Forte Katie Holmes.....Amy Poehler Jumper.....Lewis Black (Fade in) Announcer: We now return to “Hollywood Heartthrobs”! Ted Casablanca: (with a gay-ish voice) We are back with the countdown of the hunkiest, sweatiest, hottests Hollywood heartthrobs, ever! Oh boy! Coming up now on the countdown, at number 24, is the former star of “Full House”, John Stamos! I’d like to be Stamos-ed by him! Yummy! Announcer: We interrupt this program for a breaking news story, from the E! News team. Here now, David Adelson. David Adelson: Hello. Dave Adelson here. We are interrupting “Queer-sablanca’s Countdown” so we can update you on some breaking celebrity news. As we know, by now, Michael Jackson was acquitted of all charges in his pedophile case on Monday. Old news, right. Not so! We here at the Entertainment Network are going to milk this thing longer than Bob Denver milking his “Gilligan” fame! We now go to Los Angeles, where our guest correspondent, Bob Denver, is on ready with a report. Bob? Bob Denver: Thank you Dave. The Guy Who Played Gilligan, here! Good to be back on television! I am here with Michael Jackson’s father, Joe Jackson. Joe, what can you tell us about your son? Joe Jackson: My son is crazy! He’s freakin’ crazy! Bob Denver: You do know your son was acquitted of all charges on Monday? Joe Jackson: What? Like that’s suppose to change things? My son is crazy! He’s crazier than Latoya! And that’s girl’s name is freakin’ LATOYA! That’s crazy enough. My son is crazier than that time you got hit in the head by that fallin’ coconut! Crazy! Bob Denver: Back to you, David! Dave Adelson: “Gilligan” interviewing Michael Jackson’s father, Senor Fruit Loops! As many know, California was “all shook up” by 4 earthquakes this week. We are now going to Governor Schwarzenegger’s mansion, where he is about to address the state. No? Okay, instead, the Governor has released this statement, “What are you people, a bunch of good for nothing…”, I’m afraid, we can’t release the rest of the statement, because it is either “inaudible” or some kind of swearing. Well! I now understand, we are going to the resident of actor Sean Penn for a brief comment. Sean Penn: Hello. I just want say something. I think it is a terrible disgrace what Governor Schwarzenegger has done to this state. A disgrace! I am placing the governor responsible for the horrible tragedies of this week…the Michael Jackson acquittal, the 4 earthquakes and yes, the fact that no one has been going to see my critically acclaimed film, “The Interpreter”, now in the cheap theatres, soon to be on DVD. Heckler: Hey man, do Spicoli! Sean Penn: Sir, please. I will not do Spicoli! Heckler: Do Madonna, man! Sean Penn: Sir, please. I will not do Madonna! Besides…she’s married to someone else now. Mr. Governor, you are the one who is responsible for your own actions. Get off your “high horse” and do something right, for once in your life! (Out of now where, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger begins beating Sean Penn down on the pavement) Dave Adelson: Very interesting. Sean Penn bitching out the Governor, the Governor bitch-slapping out Sean Penn. That’s good TV right there. Hey, quick plug! My wife and I will be on “Dancing With The Stars” in two weeks! Yeah! We are now going to our live feed camera from atop the Eiffel Tower, where Tom Cruise is reportedly going to ask Katie Holmes to marry him. We now go, LIVE! (Tom Cruise appears to be kneeling down to propose to Katie) Tom Cruise: Katie Holmes, you complete me! Sorry, I know I said that to Renee Zellweger in “Jerry Maguire”, but didn’t mean it then, but I mean it now! You…complete…me. (Turns to the camera) Go “War Of The Worlds”! Katie Holmes: Oh Tom! I do want to marry you. I love you! (Awkward pause) Okay Tom, you can get off you knees! Tom Cruise: I’m not on my knees. I’m shorter than you. Did you realize that when we started dating? Didn’t you realize I can ‘go down on you’ standing up? (Camera cuts over to a corner of the platform; a jumper is about to jump off the tower) Jumper: This is freakin’ crazy! "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, ITS SATURDAY NIGHT!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
