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.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler .....Finesse Mitchell Christian Slater.....Seth Meyers Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. Oprah topped Forbes Celebrity 100 list, a list of the most powerful celebrities in the world. Despite health problems, Bill Clinton finished 55 on the list, sandwiched between Paris Hilton and Maria Sharapova, which is reportedly exactly where he wanted to finish. This week, two earthquakes occurred in California, on Tuesday, a 7.4 earthquake was recorded off the northern most coast of California and on Thursday, 4.9 in southern California. Asked to comment, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “I didn’t feel anything. What are you Californians, a bunch of girly men?” Amy Poehler: This week, VH1 ran a countdown of the 100 greatest kid stars of all time, which means more good news for Michael Jackson this week. Michael Jackson was acquitted on all 20 charges of child molestation this week. He celebrated by going to DisneyWorld and hanging out with everyone who wasn't allowed to ride on Space Mountain. Tina Fey: Well Father’s Day is tomorrow. So be sure to thank that guy who tried to make a man out of you every waking moment of your life. Yes, I was a man in my father’s eyes. Amy Poehler: For the ladies, that guy who tortured all of your boyfriends. (Jason Sudeikis enters) Jason Sudeikis: That man who laughed at you when you didn’t want to play football. That guy was ready to disown you when you didn’t go to prom. That man who said he would pay your tuition, but didn’t and made you work at that back alley pet hospital. Oh, how I appreciate you DAD FOR MAKING 20 YEARS OF MY LIFE THE MOST MISERABLE TIMES IN MY LIFE! I would have eaten a cake filled with feces than being born into your sadistic hate filled family! Amy Poehler: Jason, you can stop this now. We were just joking. Why, did these things really happen to you? Jason Sudeikis: No... I love my father. Which is why my gift to his is this expensive watch. A watch that will release Ebola virus into his system. Hey, it’s the thought that counts! Tina Fey: Jason Sudekis everyone! It was reported this week, that President Bush has raised nearly $23 Million for the Republican Party, in the month of June, so far. Asked how he did this, a spokesman for President Bush said, "He did an interesting thing here. It was kind of a Robin Hood thing. He stole from the poor and gave to the rich. It's what he's known for!" Democrats and Republicans, alike, are urging for an inquiry on President Bush’s conduct in Iraq. Asked to comment, President Bush said, “Please leave me a message and I’ll get back to you. Please be patience. I am very busy destroying Social Security. Have a nice day!” Amy Poehler: With her health and weight under the microscope, Lindsay Lohan told OK magazine, "I'm kind of happy with my body. I don't work out too much - I have fun, and I eat a lot." She went on to say that her idea of fun is projectile vomiting in the ladies room after meals so that she can eat more. Well, it seems Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are a hit in Hollywood. And reports are that Cruise has turned Holmes on to Scientology. So yes, Tom Cruise has sucked the life out of yet another young starlet! Katie, you must have seen this coming! Tina Fey: A giant laser, capable of simulating the explosion of a hydrogen bomb, is facing funding cuts and may not see completion. No one was more upset by the announcement than project founder, Dr. Deadly, who reportedly waved his arms and swore revenge after hearing of the projects cancellation. Awww, poor guy. Last weekend showed the defeat of one of boxing most ‘loose cannons’, Mike Tyson, as he was beaten by Irish boxer Kevin McBride. After the fight, Mike Tyson unofficially said that he would retire from boxing, saying that he felt he could no longer disgraced the sport more than he already has. Here with a further comment on unofficial retirement, is Weekend Update’s urban correspondent, Finesse Mitchell! Finesse Mitchell: Good evening and thank you. Last Saturday, Mike Tyson disgraced the boxing world by getting knocked out by a white Irish boxer. First, it’s “Rocky” and several of it’s sequels, then it’s “Cinderella Man” and now some white guy knocks out Mike Tyson, one of the great boxers of all-time. I’d expected a guy like Evander Holyfield or Buster Douglas knocking out “Iron Mike”, but not a “drunken” Irish white guy! I guess we should have expected it when “Guinness” agreed to promote the fight. This fight was like “The Great White Hype” coming to life, except in the end, Roper lost to the white boy played by Peter Berg. I guess this pay back from when Tyson knocked out that white guy Peter McNeeley in like 90 seconds, back in 1995! Now Mike is saying he is officially retiring from the sport of boxing, saying he has disgraced the sport long enough. Mike, I’m only saying this because I respect your decision to quit the sport…you disgraced the sport when your punkass got knocked out by Buster Douglas…you disgraced the black race when you raped that Miss America contestant…and you disgraced me when you got that stupid ass “tattoo” on your freakin’ face. This is Finesse Mitchell saying, Iron Mike, you are a bitch ass punk who got knocked out by a freakin’ white guy. I wish you nothing but nightmares of being beaten to death by a herd of Irish soccer hooligans! Good night! Tina Fey: Finesse Mitchell, everyone! I just hope he doesn’t get ass-raped by Mike Tyson at the after show party, tonight. Tina Fey: Nearly 200 illegal immigrants who were ordered deported for committing crimes were arrested during a six-day undercover sweep across New England, federal authorities said. New England locals reacted to the immigration sweep, saying, “Pissa!” A German court has upheld the right of Wal-Mart staff in Germany to flirt at work. But before you start cheering this story, remember, in Germany, flirty does include giving your co-worker a “BJ” while on your coffee break. So, think about that! Amy Poehler: Nike has launched a new store in Manhattan called NIKE ID LAB. This new store allows only exclusive customers. What’s interesting is that the customer can customize the shoe from scratch. They can choose the color, the shoe type, and the poor Asian kid that has to make the shoes. A report this week shows that “Britney Spears” is the most popular celebrity name attached to email viruses. Fifth on the list was Paris Hilton, however, email viruses from “Paris Hilton” could lead to real viruses like, Chlamydia or Gonorrhea. Tina Fey: “Batman Begins” reportedly made $15 million in the first day of the film’s release on Wednesday. In a related story, somewhere, Michael Keaton finally won $50 on a lottery scratch-off ticket." Amy Poehler: In recent celebrity news, actor Christian Slater was arrested for allegedly sexually assaulting a woman in New York City. Here to comment on the allegations is Christian Slater! Christian Slater: Thank you. Hello everyone. It’s great to be back here! I love this place! On with my commentary! Apparently I sexually assaulted this woman in New York City. I just want to go ahead and say, these allegations are totally untrue. I never assaulted the woman. I never grabbed her ass or grabbed her breasts. None of that! I am a gentleman. I understand that a lot of people in the media have been ‘gossiping’ about this story and the truth is, they are not discussing the whole story. This woman says that she was “supposedly sexually assaulted by a man doing an impression of Jack Nicholson”. For the last time, I am not doing an impression of Jack Nicholson. This is the voice I was born with. When I came out of my mother’s body, I started yelling at the nurses, “What does a guy got to do to get a scotch around here!” The woman says she was assaulted in Time Square at around 3 in the morning. Lady, I’m telling you chances are you were actually assaulted by the real Jack Nicholson! In the city that never sleeps, there are a lot of unsavory characters on the street at 3 in the morning, and yes, Jack Nicholson has been know to roam the streets looking for easy, sleazy pieces of tail. Can you blame him? No! Remember, any love is good love, so take what you can get! I’m Christian Slater saying, “Go see my new movie, THE DEAL!” I can’t have another bomb; otherwise, I’m going to be forced to do the next “Surreal Life”. Good night! Amy Poehler: Christian Slater, ladies and gentlemen. Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey! Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler! Tina & Amy: Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
