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Officer Tony Harvest...Horatio Sanz Officer Jim Martin...Kenan Thompson Dispatcher Kylie Patterson...Jessica Alba Pedestrian...Jason Sudeikis (throughout the sketch whenever the people are talking in the script, that means the camera is switching to them: in this case, when the two cops are speaking, they are facing the audience in their patrolcar while the dispatcher is at headquarters taking their call.) (cops sitting eating muffins/donuts, and drinking coffee) Tony Harvest: So, how about that Michael Jackson? Jim Martin: What? What did he do now? Tony Harvest: Nothing. Jim Martin: Oh. Man, that was two months ago. Can't you think of anything current? Tony Harvest: How about that runaway bride? Jim Martin: Come on now. That was a long time ago. Why don't we talk about George W. Bush wanting us to stay in Iraq for twelve years? That's something interesting, huh? Tony Harvest: Who's George Bubba-You Bush? Jim Martin: W. Bush. The president. Tony Harvest: Oh. The guy who got fellatio from that babe that married the millionaire. Jim Martin: What? Bill Clinton, the president before Bush, got fellatio from Monica Lewinsky. And I hope to God you're not talking about that woman who married Rick Rockwell ten years ago, are you? Tony Harvest: I need to read a newspaper sometime. Jim Martin: Actually you would have to be blind and deaf to not know some of these things. (clip to dispatcher's office) Kylie Patterson: Good morning, guys. How goes it with officers Tony Harvest and Jim Martin? Jim Martin: Not too bad. Looks like it's going to be a long day of sitting down and watching people. I hope I don't have to get out of the car today. Yesterday when we had to tell that guy to stop sitting on the steps, well, I was exhausted. Tony Harvest: You know, we could've driven up to the post office and berated from there. That way, we could've been sitting in the car, right near the curb. Jim Martin: Good thinking. Kylie Patterson: Alright, fellas. Good luck with all that. Tony Harvest: Oh geez. Would you look at that. It appears this punk is using a lock pick to break into that car. Kylie Patterson: Well, go out and get him, boys. Jim Martin: Again, the getting in and out of the car. It's just annoying. Tony Harvest: Whoa. He's starting up the engine. Kylie Patterson: You better stop him. Tony Harvest: Hey, he's driving away. (cops are driving with fake green-screen like motion to indicate a chase) Jim Martin: We gotta go after him. Kylie Patterson: Follow him. Tony Harvest: Hey, honey, I think we're going to need a lot of backup on this one. He's a speed demon. Kylie Patterson: Tell me where you are. Tony Harvest: Okay, we're on that road....that...we're on the... Jim Martin: Near that baseball field. Kylie Patterson: The Barrett Park Little League Field? Jim Martin: No, not that one. The one with.... Tony Harvest: No, we're past that now. Jim Martin: But we can tell her where it is, right? We were just by there. Tony Harvest: We're near that ice cream stand. The one with the ice cream cone on the roof. Kylie Patterson: There are about ten ice cream stands in this town, Jim. Can't you tell me what road you're on? Which direction? Tony Harvest: We're going north....north-east bound...the...we're going down east with the... Jim Martin: We're in an area with a lot of trees. Hundreds of trees. Like a forest. Kylie Patterson: Are you in the forest? Jim Martin: No, we're on a road. Get with the program, missy! Tony Harvest: Yeah, we need backup. Kylie Patterson: Well, you have to give me more information than northeastbound ice cream or whatever. How did you get this job? Jim Martin: Never mind about the incredibly easy training program we narrowly passed. We must get some help quickly. I don't know, but I think I may be getting carsick. Tony Harvest: It's from all those muffins you ate. Jim Martin: I did eat a lot. Kylie Patterson: Come on, guys. Now, where are you now? Jim Martin: We're downtown now. Lot of people everywhere. It's lunchtime. Tony Harvest: Mmmmmm. Lunch. Is there a better word out there? Jim Martin: Dinner. Kylie Patterson: Be careful. The mayor doesn't want any type of chasing in a heavy populated area. Tony Harvest: Don't worry about it; we're right on his tail. He won't be getting away. Jim Martin: He's getting away. Tony Harvest: I'll just have to go faster that's all. Jim Martin: Careful, man. Kylie Patterson: What was that noise? Tony Harvest: We got a big problem. (car is shown with a man on the hood, writhing in pain hanging on) Kylie Patterson: Is he alright? Jim Martin: Is anybody desperately hanging on to a speeding patrolcar ever alright? Kylie Patterson: Can you get a make on it? Jim Martin: Well, he's about 5'4". 145 pounds. Bleeding on the head. Doesn't have a happy look on his face. Kylie Patterson: No, no. The car. What does it look like? Jim Martin: I can't see with this guy on the hood. Get rid of him, Tony. (swerves the car and he flies off) Tony Harvest: The part of the job that I hate. (looks down) Coffee all over my pants. Lucky it wasn't hot. Kylie Patterson: The car, boys. The car! What kind of car is it? Jim Martin: Brown car. Uh, has windows, doors. Appears to have at least four tires. There may be a spare. Tony Harvest: Did you tell her that it was brown? Kylie Patterson: You idiots. The make of the car, what kind is it? The license plate, anything. We need to catch this guy, he could kill somebody. If you don't first. Jim Martin: The license plate. Okay. S....J.....9er.....pound sign....giraffe...looks like a pi sign. Tony Harvest: There's definitely a J in the plate number. Jim Martin: Wait, he's stopping. Stop the car. He's getting out. And running. Tony Harvest: Oh, man. I don't know about this. Kylie Patterson: Get him. He could be a convicted criminal. Tony Harvest: But he's running. Jim Martin: Yeah, I mean. It was one thing of him just getting out and laying on the ground so we could cuff him. But he seems to be out of eyesight now. Kylie Patterson: I can't believe you morons. You are disgraces to the uniform. Tony Harvest: Hey, sweetie. You were the one who had to send for backup. Jim Martin: Yeah, the great Kylie Patterson was a little weak on the help section of the test. Tony Harvest: Never let a woman do a man's job. Kylie Patterson: (obviously upset) Hey, Tony. Do you still drive that Dodge Dart? Tony Harvest: Yeah, so what? Kylie Patterson: I just wanted to know which car you drove so I could key a loving message on it. (hangs up) Tony Harvest: Too far with the job thing? Jim Martin: Uh-huh. So, what did you hear about the Michael Jackson case? Tony Harvest: I thought that he delivered a fair and just verdict. Jim Martin: What? Tony Harvest: Wasn't he the judge? [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
