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Trish Lancaster.....Jessica Alba Coach.....Fred Armisen Sportscaster.....Finesse Mitchell Color Commentator.....Jason Sudeikis Agent.....Will Forte [ fade in ] [ int. Basketball Court – Night ] [ Members of a female college basketball team, The Apple Fritters of State University, are in a huddle, including Trish Lancaster. Coach is in a suit and is one of those conservative looking but outwardly hyper characters ] Coach: Now girls, you've all had a terrific year. We have just three seconds left on the clock and we're down by one. Here's what we're going to do [ displays clipboard ] Katie, I want you to take the inside switch as Vicks inbounds to Trish here in the one nine seven. Daffy duck in orange trail mix. I want Renee to defuse a prancing pillbox, followed by a trip around a nut farm. Texaco to Paraguay and then Trish should have her shot. There's a lot riding on this, but we can do this. Alright, quick huddle, 1, 2, 3. All: Apple Fritters! [ team breaks and takes the court ] Trish: [ yelling ] C'mon ready. [ cut to Sportscaster and Color Commentator at press table ] Sportcaster: And the Lady Fritters take the court as they attempt to cap off what has been a wonderful season for them. How about that Trish Lancaster? Setting the school all time scoring and assists records. Color Commentator: Not only is she a good ball player, but she's never been convicted of vehicular manslaughter. [ cut to wide shot of court ] Sportscaster (V/O): Three seconds on the clock as the Lady Fritters inbound the ball to Lancaster, she's open, takes the shot and it's… [ cut to slow-motion close-up of ball sailing through the air, as the buzzer goes off ] [ ball hits rim and bounces up and down a few times, before beginning to roll around the edge of the rim ] Sportscaster (V/O): Rolling around the rim! The buzzer went off, but the shot was up in time, will it drop!?! [ ball continues rolling around the rim ] [ slow motion close-up as Coach screams while attempting to jump up and down. His obvious lack of height compared to his players is evident ] [ slow motion close-up of tension on on Trish Lancaster's face ] Trish: Drop, drop, drop. [ ball continues to roll around rim ] [ show family at home sitting on the edge of their couch, transfixed ] [ show another family similarly transfixed ] [ show three twenty-somethings operating a meth lab in their living room similarly transfixed ] [ cops burst into house, presumably to arrest twenty-somethings, but become similarly transfixed ] [ slow motion of Coach again jumping amongst his bench, eager but a little uneasy about his small stature ] [ another shot of the ball still rolling around the rim ] [ shot of Trish as she signs papers pointed out to her by an Agent, eyes never leaving the rim ] Agent: You're going to be the new female team sports superstar. Mia WHO? [ ball continues to roll in slow motion ] [ Coach jumps up and down amongst his bench on a pogo stick ] [ photographers cluster around Trish, now holding a bottle of Gatorade, as she continues to stare at the rim ] [ teammate of Trish's stares at rim while an optometrists measures her eyesight ] [ ball rolls around rim ] [ ext. Basketball Stadium ] [ super: 20 years later ] [ int. Basketball Court ] [ show Sportscaster and Commentator, both sporting Rip Van Winkle beards ] Sportscaster: It's been 20 years but the ball's still rolling. Color Commentator: We have had to evacuate the building twice in nuclear bomb scares, but we're back now. [ show ball rolling around rim ] [ show Trish, also sporting a Rip Van Winkle beard ] [ show Coach, cheering with his arms slowly while he lies on a impromptu hospital bed. Nurses look on, while nearby players all sport Rip Van Winkle beards ] Sportscaster (V/O): I'd like to thank Gary of Gary's Fake Beard Shop for his assistance today. [ slow-motion close-up of ball as it continues to roll ] [ from nowhere, a bullet tears into the ball, sending it flying off the rim ] Sportscaster (V/O): And I think that's, yeah, they're going to call goaltending. It's goaltending, she made the shot, the Lady Fritters win! [ close-up of Trish as she removes her fake beard and mops the sweat from her forehead with it while walking to her coach's hospital bed ] Trish: Yes! [ pumps her fist ] I did it coach! Coach: You've made an old man die happy. Color Commentator (V/O): That bullet also means we're under attack from a roving terror cell. Goodnight, and seek cover. [ everyone scatters as more gunfire rings out ] [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
