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Counselor Amber…..Jessica Alba Katie Johnson.....Amy Poehler Maria Rodriguez.....Maya Rudolph Betty Finch.....Rachel Dratch Jenny Cabot.....Tina Fey Lisa Richards.....Ana Gasteyer Heather Duff…..Joss Stone Christy Storm..…Gwen Stefani Japanese Team…..Harajuku Girls .....Numerous girls between 8-16 years old (The first scene is an exterior shot of a campground. Inside are over twenty teen and pre-teen girls in bikinis and two-piece swimsuits talking among themselves. Counselor Amber, wearing an American string bikini, enters the room.) Counselor Amber: Everyone, can I have your attention please? (The girls all quiet down) Welcome to Camp Snore-a-lot the official camp of the Synchronized Snoring team. I'm you camp counselor Amber and for the next two months you guys are going to learn the secrets of being a champion snorer from the pros themselves. (The girls all applaud) And now here they are girls, the World Champion Synchronized Snoring team. (Five women dressed in American bikinis come out to energetic music. They slap hands with girls in the audience.) Lisa: How's everyone doing? (The girls cheer) You all know me Lisa Richards the team captain of the Synchronized Snoring Team. Unfortunately Amy Smith and Donna Jo Hayden can't join us this year. Amy's currently making her TV movie that will be on Lifetime this fall and Donna Jo is doing a series of mattress commercials in her home in Alabama. But the rest of the team is here and they want to introduce themselves. Jenny: I'm Jenny Cabot and as you all know I'm to be a mother this fall. (The girls cheer) And whether it's a boy or girl, I'm going to give my baby all the love and support I can. Unlike my own mother who said I'd be anything. Lousy bitch, why doesn't she just drop dea- Lisa: (Cutting her off) Jenny, Jenny! There are kids here. Jenny: (Regaining her composure) Whoops just kidding. You girls are going to have a great time. Right Katie? Katie: You bet your ass Jenny! (To the girls) You girls think you're better than boys right girls! (Crowd cheers wildly) Well at Synchronized Snoring Camp you'll learn to snore like a champion. (Girls cheer wildly again) But don't think for a minute you little freaks can replace me or so help I'll pull a Kenny Rogers on you. Do you here me? (The girls clap much but much more subdued). (Suddenly cheery) Great let me introduce you to the rest of the team. This is Maria Rodriguez Maria: Hola. Me llamo es Maria and I am the token minority. Katie: You sure are Maria and here's our final team member Betty Finch. Betty: (Yawning) Hi girls. I'm real excited to teach you the ins and outs of being a synchronized snorer. (Yawns again) As you know my narcolepsy keeps from competing in other sports like swimming and poker. But I'm going to do my best to stay awake to teach you girls the finer points in..(Falls asleep next to several girls) Lisa: Now that you have met the team, Counselor Amber has made a video showing what your experience at Camp Snore-a-lot will be like. Amber? Amber: Thanks Lisa. (To the girls) Ok girls, this tape shows what it will be like for the next two months. (V/O over a video) You're going to eat (Cut to ten girls fast asleep and snoring on lunch tables), breathe (The girls are now sleeping on the grass) and of course sleep synchronized snoring. You girls will get to see the pros in action (The girls watch the team sleeping on a bed in the middle of a room.), train with them one on one (Cut to five shots of each team member snoring together with a girl, and then be evaluated as a potential professional snorer. (The team studies several snoring girls.) But we also have fun at Camp Snore-a-lot. There are pool parties (Cut to several girls and a lifeguard snoring by a swimming pool), sing-a-longs (The girls and Amber are snoring a camp song), and of course a Hawaiian luau (The girls and the team are snoring in bikini tops and grass skirts). Jenny: Do you guys have any questions? (One girl raises her hand) Yes dear? Girl: Can I put my head on your belly? Jenny: Why of course you can. (Jenny leans down next to her and the girl immediately falls asleep, snoring soundly on her stomach) Well Lisa, it looks like these girls have the spirit. Lisa: That's great Jenny. You girls are going to a great time at camp. It's the best… Christy: (Voice off screen) You guys suck! Katie: Who the hell said that! (To Amber) Was that you Amber, you ungrateful slut! Christy: It was me you spaz. (Gwen Stefani enters with the four Harajuku Girls wearing Japanese flag bikinis). Amber: Oh snap, it's Christy Storm, ex-teammate of the Synchronized Snoring team. Christy: That's right you kicked me out because you were all jealous because I was the best snorer. Lisa: No we didn't. It was because you cheated using illegal supplements like Nyquil and NBC's prime time line-up (The entire group including the girls in the background start to yawn at that mention). Christy: Maybe so, but I've moved on. I'm now the head coach of the Japanese Synchronized Snoring Team. (The crowd gasps) And the only reason you won the championship is because my girls didn't compete. Katie: Is that so? Christy: That's right. In fact my girls and I challenge you to a Snore-Off. (The crowd gasps.) Girl: What's a Snore-Off? Amber: A Snore-Off is when two teams compete against each other on who can snore the loudest. The winning team is able to wake up the losers. Christy: That's right and my team is the most disciplined in the entire sport. And if we win, you don't compete for a whole year. Lisa: Fine if we win, the five of you have to help at camp this summer. Deal? Christy: Deal! (To the Japanese team in Japanese.) OK girls let's get ready. (The crowd of girls goes off to the sides while two large beds come out and the two teams get prepared. Lisa, Katie, and Betty are lying down when Amber rushes up to them.) Amber: Lisa we got a problem. Jenny and Betty can't compete. Lisa: Oh crap why not? Amber: A bunch of girls fell asleep on Jenny's belly and she can't get up. (Cut to Jenny where three girls are sleeping on her stomach.) Jenny: Curse the soothing vibrations of my baby's heartbeat. Oh it is relaxing (Falls asleep herself.) Amber: And Betty seems to be in one of her deep sleep cycles. (Cut to Betty snoring loudly.) Look, (Pokes Betty hard.) Betty wake up. (Betty snores.) Maria: Ay yi yi es muy malo. Katie: This is bullcrap! We can't let those bitches win. Lisa: All right calm down Katie. We'll just have to improvise. Amber, can you take the step to the big leagues? Amber: Me? You want me to be on the Snoring Team? Katie: (Slapping her.) Yes or no greenhorn. We haven't got all day. Amber: Well sure. Lisa: Great. Now we need a fifth member. Amber: There's my CIT Heather Duff. Lisa: Fine she'll have to do. Heather! (Heather enters wearing an American flag bikini.) Lisa: Heather honey, we need you to join the snoring team to help us win. Can you do it? Heather: Absolutely. Lisa: OK! Let's do it. (The five women pile onto the bed opposite a bed containing Christy and the Japanese team.) Christy: Looks like you guys might as well give up now. Amber: Looks can be deceiving Storm. Katie: All right enough trash-talking, let's snore! Lisa: (Yawning) On your mark. Christy: (Yawning) Ready, get set. Both: Snore. (Both teams fall asleep and snore loudly to dance music.) (Both teams snore to the same beat and move their bodies simultaneously. The Japanese team starts to snore at a louder and more organized pace than the Americans. Then Amber leads the team to sleep on their stomachs and snore louder stirring the Japanese Team. When they shift to their sides, Heather starts to snore even louder to a musical beat. Finally, the American team goes back to sleeping on their backs and wakes up the Japanese with an extremely loud snore. The Japanese teams falls out of their bed and the Americans wake up to the applause of the girls.) Jenny: (Yawning) What's going on? Amber: We beat Christy Storm and the Japanese team in a Snore-Off and now they're going to help is train the girls this summer. Jenny: Great I'm going back to sleep. Come on girls. (Jenny and the three girls on her stomach go back to sleep.) Lisa: (To Betty) Hey Betty wake up we won. Betty: (Still asleep) I'd like buy a vowel. (Snores) Christy: Congratulations, Lisa it looks like the better team won. Lisa: And we wouldn't have won without our Camp Counselor and CIT Amber and Heather. (The crowd cheers) Amber: Gee thanks. Heather: I was just happy to help. Katie: And now you and your team out are bitches Blondie. Christy: That's cool. Girl 1: (To American team) You guys were awesome. Girl 2: Now I want to be a synchronized snorer more than ever. Amber: Well it's great to see the spirit in you girls. Why don't we all get things started with 100 snores OK? (The girls cheer.) All right, everyone get comfy. (All of the girls lie down on the ground, with a few joining the two groups on their beds.) Amber: OK let's snore. (The girls and two teams fall asleep and snore to a rhythm.) (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
