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Tyler Hogan.....Seth Meyers Rip Dashle.....Will Forte Maggie Pylon.....Jessica Alba Homeowner.....Rob Riggle [ open on animated Hurricane Dennis graphic ] [ dissolve to newsdesk flanked by two male TV reporters dressed in The Home Depot and Lowe's smocks respectively ] Tyler Hogan: Good evening! Welcome back to your live Hurricane Dennis coverage, coming to you live from Pensacola, Florida! Rip Dashle: Live Hurricane Dennis coverage, sponsored, as always, by Lowe's and The Home Depot! We know you removed last year's boards, Pensacola, but our new shipment is in and our prices are higher than ever! Tyler Hogan: The Home Depot will beat any of Lowe's prices, but what the heck - we're in cahoots anyway! I'm Tyler Hogan, your Sales Clerk/Meteorologist at The Home Depot here in Pensacola. Rip Dashle: And I'm Rip Dashle, Miniblinds Saw Operator/Meteorologist for Lowe's right down the street from The Home Depot, where we will not be undersold! Tyler Hogan: Hurricane Ivan ripped through this area last summer, and we've been riding that cash cow ever since. Will Hurricane Dennis follow that same path? [ smiles ] Oh boy, we hope so! Let's go to our action scene reporter, Maggie Pylon, Home Depot Radio, for a live report. Maggie? [ cut to Maggie, live outside The Home Depot, Pensacola, Florida, as winds blow debris around her and frantic homeowners bustle about behind her ] Maggie Pylon: Tyler, I'm here live at The Home Depot in downtown Pensacola, and the suckers are everywhere! Plywood, nails, generators - you name it, they're buying it in groves and feeling like asses for not holding onto all that stuff after last year's brush with Ivan. Newsflash, idiots - you live on the Gulf Coast! I like a nice tanline, too, but don't let the sun bake your brains! Rip Dashle: Hold on, Maggie. Why aren't you covering the action at Lowe's? Surely, the winds and rain must be picking up considerably down the street? Maggie Pylon: No cause for alarm, Rip. I was down the street at Lowe's last hour, and I'm happy to report that all inventory is sold out! Rip Dashle: [ elated ] Sold out! Suck on it, Tyler! I believe a bet's a bet. Tyler Hogan: Alright, you win. Lowe's won't be undersold. There, I said it. But don't quote me on it. Rip Dashle: I believe the figure we agreed upon was fifty bucks. Tyler Hogan: Indeed it was, and I am a man of my word. [ hands Rip a gift card ] Rip Dashle: Wait a minute, what's with the gift card? Tyler Hogan: You don't think I'd carry something as light as cash in this wind, do you? Rip Dashle: Damn you, Home Depot! Tyler Hogan: Nuh-uh. That's The Home Depot. Emphasis on the "The", my friend. Rip Dashle: You do know that orange smock makes you look like a pansy? Tyler Hogan: What's that? Rip Dashle: Oh, nothing. [ cut back to Maggie at the center of the increasing winds ] Maggie Pylon: Guys, we have a new update on Hurricane Dennis - The Home Depot is sold out! Tyler Hogan: Yes!! [ to Rip ] Second place, loser! Rip Dashle: Whatever. [ Maggie stops a homeowner as he exits The Home Depot ] Maggie Pylon: Excuse me, sir. Are you prepared for Hurricane Dennis to make landfall in Pensacola tomorrow? Homeowner: Yes, I am. I had to stand in line for ten hours today to collect supplies, but I'm happy to report that I just bought the last roll of duct tape. Maggie Pylon: Super! That ought to hold your house together in one piece. Tell me, did you take a direct hit last summer? Homeowner: Our roof blew away last summer, and, no, we haven't fully replaced it yet. Maggie Pylon: [ sadistically ] Oh, boy! What a rube! What a maroon! Ha ha ha! What an ignoranimus! Homeowner: Why are you making fun of me in this tragic moment? Have you no compassion for your fellow man? Maggie Pylon: Actually, no. I'm not a local. They sent me from the Home Office. Homeowner: Great. Maggie Pylon: In all seriousness, I hope you don't lose your electricity during this hurricane. Homeowner: [ uneasy ] Well, thank you for your compassion. Maggie Pylon: No kidding. Because you're going to love our new Second Quarter commercials airing next week. [ Homeowner scowls and exits ] Tyler Hogan: Nice plug, Maggie! [ Maggie is being knocked about by the strong wind gusts, as debris flies all around her ] Maggie Pylon: You bet, Tyler. [ losing her balance ] Whoa, guys, the wind is really picking up, and rightfully so now that all merchandise has been paid for and distributed to the masses. Dennis is coming, and we're going to say farewell to the Florida coast once and for all. I'm action scene reporter Maggie Pylon, reporting on Hurricane Dennis, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
