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Dancer #1... Will Forte Dancer #2... Jessica Alba Director... Seth Meyers Receptionist... Rachel Dratch Lover... Fred Armisen Clerk... Kenan Thompson Priest... Rob Riggle (Open to a clip from a real I-POD ad. It’s a typical one with a single color background and a shadow of an I-POD dancer. The screen freezes and fade to studio set-up. Director stands on the set annoyed. Dancer #1 and #2 walk out. They’re dressed in spandex and have roller skates on) Director: Okay, sorry to keep you guys long, but we’ve got to shoot this segment again. (Fade to black screen. SUPER: 5 hours later. Cut to the Director shouting at Dancer #1 skating around the set.) Director: More thrusting! I want to see more thrusting! Thrust as though you’ll never dance again. This your last day on earth, you will never get to go to another Ecstasy filled techno party. Dancer #2: Oh God no!!! (Dancer #2 skates onto the set and starts moving and grooving around. Dancer #1 grabs #2's arms and they start skating all around the place.) Director: Okay stop! You guys are doing great, but you need to be just a little bit more hip/hoppy type. Be like those "You Got Served" people. Dancer #1: Uh... question. We’re just some teens off the street, and it’s a pretty good street. This is an I-POD commercial why are we appealing to the ghetto? Dancer #2: It’s not like those kids can afford an I-POD. Director: True dat! (Everyone pauses with a look of disdain) Wow... this is awkward. Look, these commercials are for all those rich posers.. You know the preppy teens who listen to all those groovy tunes. Dancer #1: Okay... so let’s pump of the jam and finish this biyatch. Dancer #2: Mega grooviness. Director: Just take off the skates and do this last break dancing bit. (SUPER: 25 minutes later) Director: Well that was a lot of work. We’ll be sending out the checks later. As a bonus, you both can keep the I-PODs that you’ve used all week. (Director walks off and both dancers jump for joy and embrace.) Dancer #1: This is awesome. I have my songs already uploaded on this thing. Dancer #2: Me too, well I’ve gotta get going, maybe I’ll see you around. Dancer #1: Yeah, maybe you will. (Both dancers go off in separate directions. Cut to Dancer #2 entering a doctor’s office. Receptionist sits at the desk and there is a line of people next to the desk going into an examination room.) Dancer #2: Is this the line to get tested? Receptionist: What do you think this is? A line for tickets to a Fabio concert. Dancer #2: Uh... Fabio never was a musician. Receptionist: Kids these days, haven’t they ever heard of abstinence. (Dancer #2 clicks her I-POD. Camera fades to a close-up of the I-POD’s menu screen. She scrolls down the different play-lists and finally highlights... GETTING TESTED FOR STDS MIX. Ying Yang Twins’s Wait-The-Whisper-Song pots up.) (Fade to Dancer #1 entering a liquor store. He casually goes up to the counter) Dancer #1: I’d like a bottle of your finest wine! Clerk: Yeah, uh hold on. (Grabs a bottle and hands it over to Dancer #1) Dancer #1: Ah, a sweet reward, (pops the cork off and starts drinking straight from the bottle) Clerk: Hey spandex douche! Ya gotta pay for that first. Dancer #1: Oh... I uh forgot my wallet. Clerk: You tryin to screw me! Fruity ass cracker! (looks to the back of the store) Hey get out here! That guy doesn’t have money. (3 burly extras run to the front and grab Dancer #1. Cut to a back alley where the burly guys and the clerk throw him to the ground. Clerk gets out a switch-blade.) Clerk: Hey bitch, get ready! Dancer #1: All right! (He clicks his I-POD. Camera cuts to a close up of it. He scrolls down the menu and highlights... KNIFE FIGHT MIX. Gorillaz’s Feel Good Inc pots up. This is the actual song from the I-POD commercial) Dancer #1: Oh yeah, let’s do this! Clerk: (starts swinging the knife around) Don’t be waggling around like that. I don’t want to have to chase you. Dancer #1: (feels the motion of the music) Oh yeah. I wish I had my skates. (Starts pop-locking and swinging around like in those commercial.) Clerk: Aw god, the corny-ness. The suggestive and nausiating thrusting. Aaah!!! (He angrily lunges forward and stabs Dancer #1 in the leg.) Dancer #1: Augh!! My leg. (He collapses onto the ground. The clerk and his burly thugs, run off.) (Fade to Dancer #2 outside of the doctor’s office) Dancer #2: Thank God I’m clean. No diseases! I’ve got to be more careful with my sexual encounters. (Cut to a bedroom setting. Dancer #2 is in bed with a lover. SUPER: Later that evening.) Dancer #2: What did you say your name was? Lover: Uh... Bart. It’s short for Bartholomew. Dancer #2: I always ask because I like to shout it out during the passion. (Dancer #2 takes out her I-POD from the covers. ) Dancer #2: Hmm, what play-list would be good? Duh, I knew that the Bonin’ Mix would finally come in handy. (Gwen Stefani’s Holla Back Girl pots up.) Dancer #2: (shouts out) Bartholomew!! (Fade to Dancer #1 crawling into his apartment. He leg is bandaged up and he struggles to grab a bottle of Heineken) Dancer #1: I can’t believe I lost my 10th knife fight! But at least my I-POD is safe! I just can’t live like this. (He starts chugging the Heineken. But he stops and clicks his I-POD) Dancer #1: Hmm... the Downward Spiral Mix. If I’m gonna binge drink my way to death, I’ve gotta have an awesome soundtrack. (Franz Ferdinand’s Take Me Out pots up. He continues to drink on.) (Fade to a funeral procession. Priest stands at the podium. The casket is next to him as Dancer #1 lies there. Camera pans to the mourners only to show only 5 people and Dancer #2 sitting solemnly.) Priest: We are gathered to mourn the loss of- I can’t make out his name. But he was I-POD dancer #1 in the recent string of commercials for I-POD. (Cut to Dancer #2 sitting. She sadly clicks her I-POD. Cut to the close-up of the I-POD and she scrolls down the menu and highlights... FUNERAL MIX. The Verve’s Bittersweet Symphony pots up.) (The song continues as the scene fades to black) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
