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.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler Tucker Carlson.....Fred Armisen George W. Bush.....Will Forte Dick Cheney.....Darrell Hammond Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. Well, it was announced on Wednesday that London would be the location of the 2012 Olympics. There were moments of excitement in London, Ontario, Canada...until someone told citizens of town that it was London, England and not their town. One day after it was announced London, England would be the home of the 2012 Olympics, a series of bombing occurred in that city. This has left many to say, “How terribly ironic!” Amy Poehler: Annika Sorenstam and Danika Patrick announced this week that they are both “man hating dykes”, and they plan to marry each other in San Francisco at the end of the month. It seems to me, the two will be having great athletic sex on their wedding night. News out of Idaho, a suspect in a recent kidnapping could also be tied to a series of slayings. In a related story, Idaho also known for potatoes. Tina Fey: President Bush is making headlines this week for his collision with a local police car, while on a bike ride in Scotland. Here is what you didn’t hear, Bush collided with a parked police car. We here at Weekend Update can only conclude that Bush is “deaf, blind and stupid!” And now here with a special commentary is the host of a new show on MSNBC, “The Situation With Tucker Carlson”, here is Tucker Carlson. Tucker Carlson: Thank you. Thank you. Folks…it’s time for “The Situation”! We’ve got a lot to talk about it and very little time. Tina Fey: Tucker, a lot of people have been wondering what’s going to happen to in the Supreme Court now that Sandra Dey O’Connor is resigning. Tucker Carlson: Tina, if you want to know about the whole Supreme Court thing, watch my show “The Situation” on MSNBC. I know what room I am playing, so I’m going to talk about celebrities…because, no one seems to give one rat’s ass about the Supreme Court, or what Bush is doing in Iraq. The people, who watch this show, only care about who Paris Hilton is sleeping with this week and what’s going with “Brangelina” and “Bennifer II” and “Tomkat”. The American attention span is shorter than… Tina Fey: I think we get it, Tucker. Tucker Carlson: Fine. Bobby Brown has a new show on Bravo called, “Being Bobby Brown”. If you want to see the reality of a crack head, just watch “COPS”. “Being Bobby Brown” is proof that there are no good programs on television. And now, Avril Lavigne and the guy from SUM41 have gotten engaged. I can only say, punk rock love leads to tame, weak ass punk rock…and the two of you aren’t even punk rock. It’s like saying Good Charlotte is punk. If Good Charlotte is punk, then Led Zeppelin can be considered “death metal”…well, maybe that’s not a great example, but still. Next, Lil’ Kim was sentenced to a year in jail for perjury. That’s a great story, if you ask me. I love hearing that some lucky butch dyke will get to slam Lil’ Kim every night for a year. That should be a reality show! Now, that would be good television! That’s the situation, back to you, Tina. Tina Fey: Tucker Carlson, everyone. Amy Poehler: Actor Vince Vaughn denied reports this week that he is romantically involved with his “The Break Up” co-star Jennifer Aniston. Vaughn said, “I got friends of my own, I’ve got enough, already.” Tina Fey: It was reported on Wednesday, that Steven Spielberg has cast “The Hulk” star Eric Bana for his new film that focuses on Israeli retribution following the terrorist attack on the 1972 Olympic games in Munich, Germany. Bana said, “It’s not ET, but it will do.” Amy Poehler: Aging actor Gene Wilder has hailed fellow actor Johnny Depp as a "magical" choice to play Willy Wonka in the upcoming film “Charlie & The Chocolate Factory”, weeks after attacking Depp's casting in the movie remake. Wilder said, “There’s no earthly way of knowing, which way my opinion is going. There’s no knowing whether I’m pissed or I am flowing, or which way my opinion is flowing…” Tina Fey: And now Finesse Mitchell with a commentary on Anime cartoons Amy Poehler: Now those are some words I never thought I’d hear. Finesse Mitchell: Hey, I love those crazy shows. I swear those creators are on LSD! How else could they think of something involving magical birds and dinosaurs. Man I’m so UN-creative. I can barely think of a story for my alibi when the police come by. Not only are these shows crazy, they’re so damn complicated. There’s like one world for good guys and then world for the deranged crack-heads and like 20 different peeps in 20 different story lines. Sometimes I think you need crack just to understand this crap. Hey y’all, it may be crap but it sure makes a lot of money. One thing I notice is that all of them shows have a lot of stuff in common. Especially those big ass eyes. Every character has the biggest eyes ever. I swear those eyes are bigger than my girl’s boobs. Heck they’re probably on crack or something. Why else would they have them eyes. Tina Fey: Finesse, why do you keep bringing crack up in your commentary? Finesse: I’m black and if I don’t bring up crack or any drug, this would just be a normal guy’s view of anime cartoons. Anyways, with all the stuff in anime shows, I think I could come up with my own cartoon. Amy Poehler: You just said you weren’t creative. Finesse: But every anime show has the same things, I could be rich right now! I’d be the first black millionaire that’s not a rapper or an athlete, or George W.’s personal bitch! Every anime show has 1 big black evil dude that’s god the James Earl Jones voice, and he never shows his face until the end of the episode. Then I’ll make sure to have the talking animal that always gets lost and looks like Elmo had sex with a gremlin. And every anime show has that same psychotic girl that’s skinny and white. The main hero’s got to save her while listening to some spiritual garbage along the way. Don’t worry I’ll just hire some Asian cartoon drawer and I’ll have my own cartoon. I’ll call it "Look at them eyes". I’ll make sure all the drawings have the biggest eyes anime viewers have ever seen. Heck they’ll be like the Anna Nicole Smith of cartoons. Heck, I could even ask her if she wanted to do a guest voice for my show. I mean it would definitely be a seller. Pretty soon, I’ll be off the show and in the middle of fame and fortune. Tina, Amy I bid you farewell, for this is the last useless commentary I’ll be doing! Amy Poehler: Finesse Mitchell everyone. Tina Fey: Martha Stewart slammed the American Justice system for making her an example to scare others from committing stock fraud. Hearing this, a spokesperson for the American justice system slammed his gavel and is holding Ms. Stewart in contempt. Britney Spears this week said that she wants to rush out a new album, because, “I’m running out of money.” Playboy Magazine Founder Hugh Hefner said, “This could have been solved 4 years ago, when I offered you $1 Billion for a centerfold.” Amy Poehler: Hip-Hop star Lil’ Kim was sentenced to a year and a day in jail for perjury. Music and Prison experts have already come out and said, “That ass is gonna go for a lot of cigarettes.” Finally tonight, as many know, terrorists bombed London earlier this week. There has been a noticeable outcry for why this happened. So far, there has been no comment from the White House. So here is, President George W. Bush, to comment on the London bombing. Please welcome, President George W. Bush. (As Bush rolls on to the update stage, the crowd is mixed, some applause, some hecklers) George W. Bush: Good evening. London calling to the faraway towns, now that war is declared and battle come down. London calling to the underworld, come out of the cupboard, all you boys and girls. America, the terrorist attack of this past week in London was just as tragic as the one that occurred on September 11, 2001. I might be alone when I say this…but England is like America’s little brother…and to clarify, Canada is not like one of our brothers…more like our “retarded cousin”. (Laughs at his own joke) Too often, America is attacked, and in this event, London, England was attacked, so if someone attacks England, America is going to attack back! It’s as simple as that! The main reason for my address tonight, is to unveil what America is planning on doing for England. Since all of our troops are in Iraq and Afghanistan and secretly, taking down the North Korean warlord Kim Jong Il, we’ve had to dig into our back pockets, looking for a “secret weapon”. And I am here to unveil our “secret weapon”. (Bush proceeds to pull 4 action figures atop the Update desk) Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s “THE FANTASTIC 4”! These guys are totally awesome! We are going to send these four “fantastic” superheroes to England, to find the cowardly terrorist who did this! Amy Poehler: You are kidding, right? George W. Bush: Are you questioning me? Tina Fey: Mr. President, with all due respect…I can’t believe I said that…you do realize that “The Fantastic 4” are just fictional characters. George W. Bush: Really? That’s a total bummer. I guess Dick Cheney lied to me. Good night, America. (George W. Bush quietly exits the Update stage, with his “Fantastic 4” action figures in hand) Tina Fey: Wow! I guess our President really is as gullible as he looks. (Vice President Dick Cheney rushes to the Update desk) Dick Cheney: Amy, Tina…what just happened, didn’t happen. Got me? Amy Poehler: Mr. Vice President, it just happened in front of a live audience, and you’re trying to cover it up. (Dick Cheney proceeds to break Amy’s neck, killing her) Dick Cheney: Do you have any snide comments to make, Ms. Fey? Tina Fey: No. Dick Cheney: That’s what I thought. (Dick Cheney exits the Update stage) Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey. That’s the late Amy Poehler. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
