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Tony Scarpacci...Darrell Hammond Wendy Morrison...Maya Rudolph Timothy Wells...Chris Parnell Lori Wells...Rachel Dratch Fredo Corleone...Fred Armisen Guard...Rob Riggle Tom Cruise...Johnny Depp Kenny Segal...Amy Poehler Josepi...Horatio Sanz Audience Member...Kenan Thompson (show is set up and New Jersey native host Scarpacci is sitting in the chair) Tony Scarpacci: Welcome to my show, Fuhgeddaboutit! I like to give helpful advice to the many people out there with problems. Keep in mind I am not a licensed psychiatrist of any kind or whatever the hell you call those guys who take care of the things over there. Our first guest is Ms. Wendy Morrison. (Morrison comes out and sits in chair) Wendy Morrison: Hello. I have been having problems finding a lasting relationship. For several years I have found heartache in short one-night stands and can't seem to find a man to trust. Do you have any tips that could help, perhaps, my self-esteem? Tony Scarpacci: Fuhgeddaboutit. Wendy Morrison: What was that? Tony Scarpacci: Fuhgeddaboutit. Wendy Morrison: I don't understand. I... Tony Scarpacci: Just fuhgeddaboutit. Wendy Morrison: Forget about what? Tony Scarpacci: Fuhgeddaboutit. You think you have problems? Fuhgeddabout them. Don't think about them. Wendy Morrison: So what you're saying is that I don't have any problems, that the trash I meet is really what's wrong with my love-life? (Scarpacci shrugs his shoulders as if he doesn't care) Thank you so much. I appreciate it. You are a wonderful man. Tony Scarpacci: Hey, I do what I do, eh? (Morrison exits) Our next guests are a couple from Omaha, Nebraska. Please welcome Timothy and Lori Wells. Come on down, youse guys. (the Wells sit in the chairs) Timothy Wells: We have been having problems with our sexual life. Lori Wells: We just don't have the same spice we used to have in our younger years. Timothy Wells: It may be from the loss of our first-born child at the age of five. Lori Wells: He was obsessed with poisonous snakes. We couldn't get him off of them. Timothy Wells: We've tried everything. Pills, aphrodisiacs, toys. Nothing. Lori Wells: Can you tell us anything that can help? (Scarpacci is nodding with understanding, comprehending the problem) Timothy Wells: Anything?! Tony Scarpacci: You can fuhgeddaboutit. (Wells look at each other in surprise) Timothy Wells: Fuhgeddaboutit? Tony Scarpacci: Fuhgeddaboutit. Lori Wells: You mean, our life in the bedroom is transfixed on tragic memories, and that they should be forgotten? Timothy Wells: Wow. Tony Scarpacci: Pretty cool, huh? Now get outta here, you too. And make yourselves another kid. Lori Wells: What a wonderful man. (Wells exit and audience applauds) Tony Scarpacci: My next guest has been having some bad luck with his family, which is also his business. A family-owned business, in other woids. Please welcome from Las Vegas, Mr. Fredo Corleone. (Corleone comes out and sits down, looks very tense) Fredo Corleone: How you doin'? Tony Scarpacci: I'm doin' fine. Now, you've had a lot of stress lately. Fredo Corleone: Stress? Stress?! I've got huge problems. Problems up the kazoo. I'm in deep, deep trouble and I can't get out of it. Tony Scarpacci: Your brother Michael, the man you work for, is upset for you going against the family; um, I mean business. Is this true? Fredo Corleone: But there was something in it for me. Me, on my own. Tony Scarpacci: But Michael always looked out for you. Fredo Corleone: Taken care of me? He's my kid brother and he takes care of me?! Send Fredo to do this, send Fredo do that!!!!! Send Fredo to the airport!!!! I'm the older brother and I was stepped over!!!! Tony Scarpacci: Fredo, I want you to listen carefully. Fredo Corleone: (calming down) Uh-huh? Tony Scarpacci: I want you to take a deep breath, relax, lie back in your chair, and just fuhgeddaboutit! Fredo Corleone: Fuhgeddaboutit?! Fuhgeddaboutit???!!!! (Scarpacci nods; Corleone seems to be getting madder) I bleed my heart out to you, to these hundreds of thousands of viewers, to my family, and all I get from you, you spaghetti-sucking mobster wannabe, is that I should fuhgeddabout the whole damn thing? Is that what I'm hearing here? (Scarpacci nods) You are a genius. I tell you, right now. This guy is amazing. Thank you, thank you so much. Sorry about calling you that name. (Fredo goes to shake Scarpacci's hand) Tony Scarpacci: Fuhgeddaboutit. It was all in rage. (Fredo leaves, Scarpacci calls guard over) Get rid of that guy, permanently. Nobody yells at me on my show. Go take him fishing or something. (guard nods and leaves) Our next guest has been in the news a lot lately and frankly, I'm gettin' a l'il sick and tired of it, over here. Please welcome pretty boy Tom Cruise. (Cruise comes out giggling like a complete jackass, shaking his head and smiling, and sits down) Tom Cruise: This guy, I don't know. This guy. I mean, yeah. What's this guy's deal? I mean, this guy is awesome. Really great; awesome. I love him. Tony Scarpacci: Yeah, whatever. Now, do you actually have a problem? Tom Cruise: Problem? This guy, I don't know. Wow. No, no problems here. I'm happy about everything. I love everybody. I love all of you. (points to the audience, crowd doesn't make a sound and just looks at him with annoyance and/or anger) Tony Scarpacci: You don't got a problem?! Then, get the hell off my show. Go on, get off. Tom Cruise: This guy, he's wild. He's wild. I'm goin'. I'm goin'. (gets up and hugs Scarpacci, then jumps up and down and leaves) (Scarpacci motions to the guard and he proceeds to follow Cruise out) Tony Scarpacci: Sorry about that folks. We can't have the show go well all the time, ya know what I'm saying? We have a caller. You're on Fuhgeddaboutit! Caller: (voice) That Tom Cruise guy really irritated me. Tony Scarpacci: Sir, this is not a live talk show. Caller: (voice) For the purposes of this sketch it is. Let's just say I'm a...psychic. Yeah, a psychic. Yeah, he really pissed me off. Tony Scarpacci: Fuhgeddaboutit. Just fuhgeddaboutit. Caller: (voice) You're right. It shouldn't matter to me what Tom Cruise has done for the past 72-odd days. If there truly is a God, he will destroy him. Thank you so much. Tony Scarpacci: No problem. Our next guest is struggling with his gender. Please welcome Kenny Segal. (Segal comes in and sits down, man is obviously very effeminate and wearing a mustache) Kenny Segal: Let's face it. I'm a woman trapped inside a man's body. I can't come to terms with heterosexuality or homosexuality. I need a sex change operation and cannot afford it. Do I have a problem mentally or physically, doctor? Tony Scarpacci: First of all, I'm not a doctor. Second of all, I don't want you queering up my set, alright?! Kenny Segal: I'm not a homosexual. I would just like to become a woman. Tony Scarpacci: I have one tip for you. Fuhgeddaboutit. Kenny Segal: Fuhgeddaboutit? Tony Scarpacci: Fuhgeddaboutit. Kenny Segal: Fuhgeddaboutit? Tony Scarpacci: Fuhgeddaboutit. Kenny Segal: Fuhgeddaboutit. Fuhgeddaboutit. Of course. I should just... Tony Scarpacci: Fuhgeddaboutit. Kenny Segal: Thank you very much, Mr. Scarpacci. I'll just live from now on like there is no cripplingly painful void in my body. Tony Scarpacci: Don't mention it. (Segal leaves) Sweet little fairy. My final guest of the night is upset about himself entirely. Please welcome Josepi. (Josepi enters and sits) Josepi: Hey, how-a you-a doin'? Tony Scarpacci: I'm doin' fine. How are you? Josepi: Can't-a complain. Tony Scarpacci: I thought you had a problem? Josepi: Oh, I do. I do. It's just that I've become something that I never wanted to be. Tony Scarpacci: And what's that? Josepi: A stereotype. A horrible Italian stereotype. My nightmare has-a finally come true. I've worked at pizza stores, bakeries, in my spare time I go on the street and play the accordion with my pet monkey Elvis. I'm very hairy and only take a shower about once a week. Tony Scarpacci: Hey now wait a minute. I'm Italian. Do you think I'm a stereotype? Josepi: Oh gracious no. When I was-a little kid, I wanted to be the least likely choice of a stereotypical Italian: a mobster. It never came to fruition, and I have been hurting in-a side ever since. Tony Scarpacci: Your story breaks my heart. Why don't you come work for me? Josepi: Really? You're in-a the mob-a? Tony Scarpacci: (gets serious and winks) No, I'm consolidation, and maintenance. Or whatever. Josepi: (getting the gist of his lies) I-a see. I'll talk-a to you after the show. Tony Scarpacci: Good man. Let's go into the audience. Yes, you sir. Audience Member: Hi, I also feel I am a stereotype. For instance, I'm only going to be on the screen for about a minute. Tony Scarpacci: And this affects you because you are fat? Audience Member: No, that I'm black. I just feel it's a little unfair to have me play such a tiny part in a big sketch like this. I don't even have a name. Tony Scarpacci: Fuhgeddaboutit. Things'll work out in the end. I'll even give you a name. Uh, Tony. That's your name. Audience Member: Thank you. Can I also join your business like that last guy? Tony Scarpacci: No. Well, that's all the time we have for tonight. Tune in... (Cruise comes out jumping around like an idiot again, going into the audience) Guard: I'm sorry, Tony. I couldn't kill the guy. As much as I hate him, he is just such a happy man. I could learn something from his amiability. That's just what I think. Tony Scarpacci: He is charming, I'll give you that. Tom Cruise: This guy, I mean, is he something? Wow. Love him. (kisses people and sits on people's laps) This Tony, man. I love everybody. Hey everyone, I only do this because I love you. Tony Scarpacci: Tune in next week when we talk to Tommy DeVito and his theory of why he's so freakin' funny. Goodnight. (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
