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Normal Guy... Johnny Depp Attendant... Fred Armisen Paranoid Guy... Rob Riggle Peeing Guy... Chris Parnell Hopped Up Guy... Seth Meyers (Open with a men’s room set-up. On the right is the sink along with a blind attendant. He has long whitish hair and dark sunglasses on. Camera pans over to the 3 urinals. Paranoid man is dressed in a pair of jeans and t-shirt walks into the stall and starts peeing in the 1st one. The next urinal is empty. The third urinal is taped up and is not to be used. The camera pans to the left to reveal 1 bathroom stall. Cut to the door, where Normal Guy enters. He’s dressed in a nice dress shirt and slacks) Normal Guy: Oh wow, it’s like a voyage just to make it to the men’s room. (The blind attendant starts feeling around. He starts touching the Normal Guy) Normal Guy: What are you doing? Attendant: Oh sir, you’ve got the tightest muscles I’ve ever fondled! Normal Guy: Please don’t touch me, what are you, blind! (Normal Guy pushes away from the Attendant and walks towards the urinals. He goes and stands by the empty urinal next to Paranoid Man.) Paranoid Guy: Hey buddy, what the hell are you doing? Normal Guy: What? Paranoid Man: I don’t know what they do in your country, but this is America. Real men don’t pee next to real men! Normal Guy: Where did you get the idea I’m foreign, I’m an American just like you! I have to pee real bad, what does it matter? Paranoid Guy: Hey, could you not pee next me? There needs to be a urinal between us. Haven’t you heard of "The 1 Urinal of Separation Rule" Can’t you be a man and wait? (Normal Guy backs away from the urinal) Normal Guy: I don’t want to cause an argument, but I think you have some homophobic issues? Paranoid Guy: Hey metro-sexual, I don’t what they do in Canada, but guys here don’t pee next to each other. It’s an understood fact. Do you want to be the freak who broke the rule, you wanna be the chain breaker! Normal Guy: I’m an American- Paranoid Guy: Chain Breaker! Normal Guy: Will you- (interrupts him) Paranoid Guy: You’re a chain breaker. (Normal Guy gives up and walks over to the stall. He proceeds to open it and walks in. After a pause he comes running out) Normal Guy: Oh god, do people not know how to flush. Jeez, are they blind or something that they can’t see the large feces that float around? (Paranoid Guy finishes and starts washing his hands.) Paranoid Guy: Hey bigot, that attendant over there is blind, so I’d cut it out with those type of jokes. Normal Guy: You’re calling me a bigot, you were the one making fun of me for being a foreigner! Paranoid Guy: I thought you said you weren’t a foreigner. Attendant: Does anyone want some free mouthwash? I’ve got steak-sauce flavored mouthwash! Who wants it, come get it! (Paranoid Guy laughs and leaves the room. Normal Guy goes to the urinal and starts peeing. Peeing man enters the bathroom, he laughs at the attendant and goes to pee next to the Normal Guy. Normal guy is surprised) Normal Guy: Uh.. hi! Peeing Guy: Hi! Normal Guy: So uh... you know you’re peeing next to me don’t you? Peeing Guy: So, is there a problem. Normal Guy: I’m gonna cut to the chase, you’re a chain breaker! Don’t you know about a the rule that men don’t pee next to each other, they give themselves a one urinal separation. Peeing Guy: I don’t know what you’re talking about, there’s no rule like that? Normal Guy: It’s not really talked about, it’s just understood. Peeing Guy: I think there is something that’s understood... you’re a homo-phobe. Yeah, I said it. You represent all the misconceptions in our society and I hope one day you learn some tolerance. It’s manly men like you that make it uncomfortable for guys like me to shower with other man. I’m not gay, but I love showering with men. You guys are screwing it up for me! Aaah! (Peeing guy angrily zips up and walks out of the bathroom. Attendant just starts laughing) Normal Guy: All this over a little urination... Jesus Christ! Attendant: I’m the ANTI-Christ! (Hopped Up Guy runs into the men’s room, he’s all excited and he’s scratching himself) Hopped Up Guy: Sweet Messiah! I have found my grace-hood. Oh god, I have waited for ages to bask in the glory of the waste-disposal department! (Hopped Up Guy rips off his red shirt and starts vomiting in front of the stall. Normal Guy is done peeing and notices) Normal Guy: Hey, don’t be vomiting all over the place. It may splash on my clothes, go do that in the stall. Not outside of it. (Hopped Up Guy lunges into the stall. Normal guy goes over to the sink and starts washing his hands. The Attendant is also washing his hands. Camera cuts to a close-up of the sinks. Normal Guy tries to shut the faucet, but the tap bursts and starts spraying water everywhere. Attendant and Normal Guy both are sprayed.) Normal Guy: My good clothes. All because of this faulty tap. I’ve had nothing but bad luck in here. For god’s sake look at me! (The blind Attendant takes a towel and begins to wipe Normal Guy. He starts wiping the crotch area continuously.) Normal Guy: What are you doing? Get away from me. Get away. (Cut to the floor, Normal guy’s foot slips on some soap. Normal Guy slips away and falls face forward into the vomit by the stall.) Normal Guy: My face and my shirt are covered in a druggie’s puke. That’s just excellent! (sarcastic) (He gets up and makes his way for the door.) Normal Guy: I think I should leave before something else happens. (He walks forward, but the Attendant puts his leg forward tripping the Normal Guy. He angrily grabs the Attendant and pushes him out the door. They end up on the ground outside the men’s room. The Normal Guy is on top of the Attendant. Random voices start shouting) Voice: He’s humping that Rest room Attendant! Another Voice: I heard that he’s a homo-phobe and that he pees next to men! How does he not know about the 1 urinal of separation rule? Normal Guy: (to the Attendant) You’re not really blind are you? (Suddenly gets a weird look on his face) Oh god, that isn’t a rod in your pocket is it? Attendant: I’ve tried Viagra and Cialis. But you’re the only thing that helped me get it up! (The scene fades to black) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
