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Johnny Depp's Monologue
written by: Patrick Lonergan

.....Johnny Depp

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen - Johnny Depp!

[ audience cheers as Depp runs onto Home Base ]

Johnny Depp: Thank you very much. I'd like to thank you for having me as your host of "Saturday Night Live." Like anyone hosting these days, I grew up watching the show, and was therefore very excited when I was invited to be on the show tonight. Because I was so excited, I acted out of haste and had the words "Saturday Night Live Is Cool" tattooed on my arm. I believe we have a photo of that tattoo.

[ dissolve to photo of Depp's arm, with the above words tattooed on it ]

[ dissolve back to an embarrassed Depp ]

Johnny Depp: Mind you, I haven't watched the show in about a dozen years, so when I sat down earlier this week to watch videodiscs of last season's episodes, I was appalled at how terrible the show has become since then. Well, naturally, I'd wished I'd never gotten this tattoo.. but, luckily, my tattoo artist is a professional, and he was able to get me out of a potentially embarrassing situation. Now, granted, tattoo removal is still a flawed process, but we were able to effectively doctor the damage made by my error in judgment, and I think you'll agree that what remains is still a very bitchin' tattoo.

[ Depp rolls back his shirt sleeve to reveal the tattoo ]

[ cut to a close-up of the tattoo, which still has the words "Saturday Night Live Is Cool" inked upon Depp's arms, except the words "Is Cool" have a line etched across it diagonally, with the words "Sucks Big Time" inked in big letters off to the side. ]

Johnny Depp: Yeah! Who looks stupid now, huh? Alright, we've got a great show for you tonight. Funkiphino is here. So, stick around, we'll be right back!

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