|
|
|
|
|
|
|
.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler God.....Christopher Walken (special guest cameo) Jay – C.....Chris Parnell .....Paul McCartney (on the phone) Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. A bombing in Egypt, on Friday, led to 25 deaths and over 100 injured. President Bush commented on the bombing, saying, “Biblical!” and “Kickass!” Missouri Attorney General Jay Nixon is suing Mr. Michael D. Pickens for sending raw food, garbage, and even feces to Ebay customers who thought they were getting clothes. Pickens' wife is adamant that her husband has never sold anything on the Internet and that he has a rare blood disease. It should be noted that this rare blood disease causes people to drop their loads in mailboxes. Amy Poehler: A group of former CIA officers this week blasted President Bush over the recent intelligence information leak involving Karl Rove. What’s in store for the former CIA officers? Wiretaps on their phones and suspicious looking vans following them around wherever they go! People are rooting for Lance Armstrong in the Tour de France this year, as he is looking for his seventh consecutive victory. The growth of fans for this incredible continues to rise. This ponders an interesting question: Does anybody really know who else is in the race? Tina Fey: A scientific study this week has concluded that mixing blue and yellow together does not make green, but instead gives you a spot-on match for the color of baby shit! There has been a horrible epidemic going around in which children like to play choking games, using plastic bags, ropes, and even their hands to get a quick high out of it. I don't know about you, but asphyxiation is wrong, and should only be used in the bedroom. Amy Poehler: A woman who is trying to sell a sex tape of her and Colin Farrell was issued a restraining order Tuesday before further investigation. No word yet on who the woman is, but we here at Weekend Update feel that it could be anybody. Tina Fey: In an interview this week, President George W. Bush said that he believes he was picked by God to be President of the United States. Here to comment on this recent comment is his holiness, God! God: Thank you, Tina. President Bush said, he thinks, I picked him to be the President of the United States. Well, I’m here to say, that’s completely untrue. For one, I don’t have any say in the outcome of the popular vote, and I don’t have a single vote in the Electoral College. Something that is abundantly clear is that this man should not be President. Plain and simple! And you folks should believe me, even if you don’t believe “in” me. I haven’t seen a guy so “power hungry” and “arrogant” and “moronic”, at the same time, ever. And remember, it’s me, God, saying this. I created him! I know what they say, church should never be associated with state. Well, for once, that saying is wrong. I can’t really say who should be President, instead of “Jerry’s Kid”; the Catholic Church would have picked Bush, because they don’t know any better. Personally, I’m more for a guy who was like Ralph Nader, but much more “badass”. If I had it my way, Bill Clinton would be President, because frankly, he seems like an average guy, who isn’t overly handsome, and yet, there is something about him. Anyhow, President Bush, I didn’t pick you to be the President. Your father, your brother, Karl Rove and Dick Cheney made you President in 2000 and in 2004. You did not get my blessing, but what the hell? Oh yeah, George, when you die, you are going to hell. Don’t be mistaken! I don’t have an electoral vote, but Satan does. Tina Fey: Wow! That’s really interesting, God. God: Tina, just so you are aware, you are going to have twins…a boy and a girl. Your daughter is to become the first lesbian cast member of Saturday Night Live… Amy Poehler: What about Nora Dunn? God: Nora Dunn was actually a man! Tina, your son will become the first person on record to die from sneezing, farting and belching at the same time. That’s all I have time for. I’ve got a date with Katie Holmes. Tina Fey: But Katie Holmes isn’t dead! God: That’s what you think! This is God, saying – Go See The Wedding Crashers! It’s a great film. Vince & Owen are my homies…and even though the guy is a little bit cracked out, Christopher Walken is a golden god! Good night! Tina Fey: God, everyone! The female leads of “The Desperate Housewives” were so desperate this past week that they all slept with the Emmy nominating committee. That’s desperate! Amy Poehler: Two California cities are battling over the right to be called "Surf City, U.S.A." This is what you get when you vote for an action hero. Kentucky was ranked in a poll as the unhealthiest state in the U.S. Also in that poll, it listed the unhealthiest city in Kentucky: Nicotine-Alfredopolis. Famous city. Tina Fey: Ben Jones, the actor who played “Cooter” on “The Dukes Of Hazzard”, exclaimed this week that the new “Dukes Of Hazzard” film is a waste of time and that no one should go and see it. And then, the contestant said, “I’ll take Gary Coleman to block!” Amy Poehler: Due to the extra explicit scenes, Grand Theft Auto-San Andreas has been pulled from retailer’s shelves. Let’s be honest here, all video games are racy! In Super Mario Bros, did you see Mario at the end of the game, that wasn’t a mushroom in his pants, people! Tina Fey: Yeah, and what about that grin on Bowser’s face. You know those Koopas were giving him oral! Bottom line, video game programmers are a bunch of horny bastards. They need to feed their sexual ego by fouling up all video games. So just deal with it! On Monday Jude Law apologized to his fiancee for his affair with his children’s nanny. Now if he’ll just apologize for AI: Artificial Intelligence then he’ll be good to go. The NYPD said this week that rapper/actor Ja Rule is somehow connected to shooting at a New York City nightclub last year. Apparently Ja Rule doesn’t know “ja rules”. Amy Poehler: With the release of the Hollywood remake of “Charlie & The Chocolate Factory”, several claims have been made saying that star of the film, Johnny Depp, based the main character “Willy Wonka” on Michael Jackson. Here to comment is Saturday Night Live’s resident pedophile, Jay – C. Jay – C: Thank you, Amy! Folks, Johnny Depp, did what every other actor does when he is faced with a new role and created a character, within the character. So what, if the character of Willy Wonka has a bit of “wacko jacko” in him. I’m sure Gene Wilder did the same or a similar thing with he did the original film 30 some odd years ago. How do we know, Gene Wilder’s “Willy Wonka” was based on Thurman Capote? Being a professional pedophile, I really don’t care about what the main star did to prepare for the role, what I want know is what it was like being around a bunch of chocolate-obsessed kids for 15 hours a day. I’m kidding! I’m not interested in 10 year old candy freaks…but I’d love to know the phone numbers of some of the those “Oomph Lompas” thou! I have no requirements, but let me put it to you this way...”You must be at least this height to ride the ride!” Amy Poehler: Eww! Jay – C: Hey, any love is good love so take what you can get. Amy Poehler: Are you done, yet? Jay – C: I will be. Tina, when are you giving birth? I’d like to be there for the start of a new life! Tina Fey: Oh! That’s so sweet of you! Jay – C: Just one question, are you shaved down there? Tina Fey: Get out of here, you whack job! Amy Poehler: Jay – C, the pedophile, everyone! Tina Fey: Finally tonight, Ringo Starr is reportedly mad at his Beatles band mate Paul McCartney over his Live 8 performance in London. According to a source close to the former Beatle drummer, Starr wanted to play with McCartney in Hyde Park, but he never got a call. Ringo Starr said, "I was never asked to do it, he didn't ask me. It's too late now - it's disappointing.” We here at Weekend Update want to resolve this feud, right here and now. (Tina pulls a phone up from under the desk) I got Paul McCartney’s number from Lorne, and hopefully, he’s home. (Ringing) Paul McCartney: (over the phone) Hello? Tina Fey: Paul? This is Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live. We wanted to get your side of this feud between you and Ringo. Apparently, he wanted to perform with you at the Live 8 show in London, and you never called him. What can you tell us? Paul McCartney: (over the phone) Well, I would have been joyed to have Ringo play with me at the Live 8 show, but I just figured he was too busy. Yes, I didn’t know if Ringo could get the night off from the car wash, otherwise, I would have asked him. I have to go! That guy from MADTV is doing “Stuart”! I gotta go! Flippy do! (Hang up) Tina Fey: Well, there you have it! It was just a misunderstanding! Amy Poehler: We'd like to thank Paul McCartney taking a minute out of his day to talk with us! Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Tina & Amy: Good night and have pleasant tomorrow. (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
