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Det. Huffcut...Morgan Freeman Officer Ramsey...Jason Sudeikis Perpetrator...Horatio Sanz (MUSIC: Retro 70s Cop Music) ANNOUNCER: And now, it's time for another case from the files of...(ECHO, title card.) "Cop Patrol" (Open on stock footage of a police car chasing a runaway car down a country road. Cut to both cars being pulled over, two law officials--A Detective and his Officer in Training--approach the car.) HUFFCUT: All right, this could be your first big bust; you think you can handle this? RAMSEY: Yes, Sir. HUFFCUT: And do you remember how to do the Miranda Warning? RAMSEY: To the letter, sir. HUFFCUT: OK, I'll get the ball rolling, you look around the car for anything suspicious. And don't forget; if we have to take this guy in, I'll do the cuffing, you do the rest... (Huffcut taps the window of the perpetratior's door, Perpetrator rolls down window.) PERP: Is there a problem, officers? HUFFCUT: Well, for starters he's the officer, I'm a detective but that's not important right now. You seem to be in quite a rush, it's not every night that a guy does 80 in a 45 mile zone. PERP: Yeah, Well, I work the graveyard shift at the factory nearby, and I guess I overslept. You never want to be there when you're late; to tell you the truth, he can be a real knob gobbler sometimes if you know what I mean. HUFFCUT: Yeah, don't even get me started on bosses. If I even began to tell you about the police chief, I'd... RAMSEY: Hey Darren! HUFFCUT: Yes, Ramsey? RAMSEY: Check out the back seat. (Huffcut inspects the backseat with Ramsey.) HUFFCUT: (To Perp) Sir, would you care to explain what this red stuff is on the backseat? PERP: (Hesitant) Well...Uh, I was trying to dye my seats to another color, I was getting tired of beige. HUFFCUT: Uh, huh. You do realize that it's almost impossible to dye Leather, don't you? PERP: Well, I heard the dye is pretty good on any fabric. HUFFCUT: (Not beliving it) Right, would you pop open your trunk here, sir? PERP: (Sighs) OK. (Perp pops open trunk to reveal legs dripping with blood thud out of trunk.) HUFFCUT: Would you care to explain the body that's laying in here, sir? PERP: (Hesitant) Uh...It's a costume? HUFFCUT: Yeah, well this "Costume" looks...(Sniffs) Yecch! And Smells real to me. PERP: Well, I've been meaning to return it for some time, I guess I left it in the sun too long. (Chuckles Nervously) HUFFCUT: Nice try, please get out of the car, sir... (Perp gets out of the car; after which, Huffcut slams him against the the car, and begins to cuff him.) HUFFCUT: (Continues) Officer Ramsey, read him his rights. RAMSEY: All right, scumbag. You have the right to remain silent; Should you choose to waive that right, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law... PERP: I DID IT!!! RAMSEY: Oh...Ok, You're free to go. HUFFCUT: (Shocked and Befuddled) What?! Wait a minute, wait a minute!!! (To Perp) You're not going anywhere. Ramsey, what the hell are you doing? RAMSEY: I'm doing what the Miranda warning says for me to do. HUFFCUT: Come again? RAMSEY: You know, anything he says can and will be used against him in a court of law. Since he said he did it in the middle of the thing, the Miranda warning cancels it out, right? HUFFCUT: (Visbily Angered) Did you flunk out of Grade school, you idiot?! He pretty much just confessed that he murderd this...hooker? PERP: Call Girl. HUFFCUT: Call Girl! And in the rules of the Miranda warning; if he says anything--no matter what it is--it will be used against him, it does not mean that what he says is canceled out! Even the most mentally challenged officer knows that. RAMSEY: Look, we can talk about Officer Clancy later; but from what I've been told, if anything is said during the Miranda Warning, It will be used against him. Think about it, if he said He didn't do it, wouldn't that mean that the courts would have to take it the opposite way? HUFFCUT: That's got to be the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! The Miranda warning is supposed to be formality in apprehending criminals, its the evidence that really puts the guy away. And right now, it can not be any more obvious than a dead call girl in the trunk of a car! This guy is going away, Period! RAMSEY: Fine, do what you want, All I'm saying is that you're making a major mistake. HUFFCUT: (Letting go of Perp momentarily) Do you dare question my authority? I've been working in law enforcement for over 30 years; and in all of that time, I have never screwed up the Miranda warning the way you did just now. Now I dare ask you, how am I making a mistake?! PERP: (Interrupting) Excuse me, if all you guys are going to do is bitch about how "Rookie Cop" here screwed up the reading of the Miranda rights, then I’m gonna go. Taco Bell is only open for another 20 minutes and I got's to get me some of those El Darotios before they close. Also, I got to get rid of the hooker in my trunk. RAMSEY: Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to put your hands on the back of your head and lay down on the ground! PERP: Aw, Geez! (Perp lays down on the ground, Huffcut puts his foot on Perps back to prevent him from getting up.) HUFFCUT: Well it's about damn time! Why the change of heart all of a sudden? RAMSEY: Well, you heard him, didn't you? He's going to Taco Bell! It's bad enough that the guy may or may not have killed a call girl... PERP: (Interupting) I already said I Did it... RAMSEY: Sir, Remain quiet! I'm trying to explain the reason why you're being arrested for expositional storytelling purposes! you WILL be given a chance to speak downtown! (PERP performs "The Worm" to break free from HUFFCUT's Foot hold.) PERP: OK, that's it, I’m out of here! (Gets in his car and starts the engine) By the way, never stop a fat hungry Mexican! Or I’ll get my home boys on your ass, Essay! (The Perp speeds away; Ramsey and Huffcut jump in their car to speed after him) HUFFCUT: Hey Ramsey, I have one question for you, how the hell did you manage to get this far without knowing the proper way to read a suspect their rights? RAMSEY: Here’s my question, what kind of people actually order an “El Darotio” from Taco Bell? HUFFCUT: A Mexican who thinks outside the bun! (RAMSEY & HUFFCUT share a laugh. Freeze Frame as they laugh like how all the old Cop shows ended, 70s disco funk plays in the background and fake credits roll. The two keep still until after the credits roll when RAMSEY tries to get HUFFCUT's attention.) RAMSEY: Hey Huffcut, aren't you watching the road? (HUFFCUT Is still in his freeze frame position.) RAMSEY: Huffcut? (RAMSEY waves his hand across HUFFCUT's Face. Nothing. RAMSEY Then lifts HUFFCUT's free arm--the other holding the steering wheel--only to have it drop down lifelessly to his lap. HUFFCUT has died much to the shock of his partner.) RAMSEY: Huffcut!!! (The car makes swerving noises, it's out of control and is about to drive off a cliff.) RAMSEY: Jesus Tittie-F***ing CHRIST!!! WAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (Cut to stock footage of the car driving off the cliff, only for it to explode in midair. Freeze Frame, ART CARD: "To Be Continued", Suspenseful music sting.) ANNOUNCER: And now, here are some scenes from next week's episode of "Cop Patrol"... (Resume footage of the fireball car crashing at the bottom of the cliff.) ANNOUNCER: Yeesh, what a mess! Well...on second thought, Don't even bother tuning in to the next episode of...(ECHO, Title Card) "Cop Patrol". Sponsored as always by (LOGO) "Taco Bell". "Taco Bell": Our food is edible, Honest! (Fade Out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
