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Kelly Taylor...Rachel Dratch Russell Weston...Morgan Freeman Coworker...Seth Meyers (showing a woman hanging on the ledge below a window and man is there above her at the window) Russell Weston: Help is on the way! Don’t worry. Stay calm. Kelly Taylor: That’s easy for you to say. I’m hanging on by my fingers here. Russell Weston: Just don’t panic. Help is on the way. Pay no attention below. It will just scare you. Kelly Taylor: Really, help is coming? Russell Weston: They’ll be here shortly. Kelly Taylor: Oh, thank God. Don’t leave me, please. Please. Russell Weston: I won’t. I won’t. Now, what’s your name? Kelly Taylor: Why do you need my name? Are you trying to find next of kin? Oh God. Oh, no. I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (screams incredibly loud) Russell Weston: Calm down. Please, don’t panic. Help is on the way. I was just making conversation. You know, trying to keep you from.....panicking. Kelly Taylor: Oh, yes. That’s right. I’m Kelly Taylor. Russell Weston: Uh-huh. I’m Russell Weston. And where do you live? Kelly Taylor: Where do I live? You want to know where I live, so you can find all of my belongings to give to the coroner, and he police station, and to my lawyer, and to my family, and to the funeral home! Oh God! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (screams at the top of her lungs) Russell Weston: No, no, no. It’s conversation. Please don’t panic. Help is on it’s way. Kelly Taylor: Oh, yes. Yes, that’s right. I live downtown at Bushneck Lane. Russell Weston: Can you tell me how this happened? Kelly Taylor: To tell the police as to how I died?!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Russell Weston: For God’s sakes, woman. Control yourself. Panic will get you nowhere. You need to stay calm. Kelly Taylor: Okay, okay. I’m calm. I’m calm. Alright. (sighs) There, a deep breath. I was trying to grab some important paper work that was by the window, and a sudden gust of window startled me and I fell out. Russell Weston: Alright. Everything’s fine now. Everything’s good. Keep your cool. Now, do you know who I am? Kelly Taylor: Uh, Russell Weston. Russell Weston: Yes, that’s right. Kelly Taylor: I remembered it. I’m bad with names. Russell Weston: Do you know what I do, Kelly? Kelly Taylor: I don’t think I’ve ever seen your face around here. Russell Weston: I’m here to rob you. (pause and look of confusion on face of Kelly) Kelly Taylor: What? Russell Weston: I’m here to rob you. It’s perfect, actually. You hanging on a ledge like this. It’s superb. Kelly Taylor: Omigod, omigod OMIGOD!!!!!!! No, no, no. Don’t kill me! PLEASE!!!!!!!! Russell Weston: Please calm down. I’m not here to kill you. I’m here to rob you. Can you hear down there, or what? Kelly Taylor: Omigod!!!! I’m going to die out here. Russell Weston: Once again, for the millionth time, help is on the way. I had no intention of hurting you. Kelly Taylor: Help is on the way? Russell Weston: (frustrated) Yes!!!!!! Now, I lied about being a robber. I was trying to show you that you should not panic. Did you see how shaky you were when you were down there? Kelly Taylor: You’re right. Whoooo! Thank you for being here. Thank you. Russell Weston: Now, I’m going to keep on asking you questions. It doesn’t matter what I ask you. It will help the time go by, when help does arrive, since THEY ARE ON THEIR WAY! Got it? Kelly Taylor: Yes? Russell Weston: Now, can you tell me where your purse is? Kelly Taylor: What? Russell Weston: I’m just keeping conversation. Just stay focused. Kelly Taylor: Okay, it’s in Room 5G on my desk. Russell Weston: Alright, alright. You’re doing fine. Now, can you tell me where all of your friends or coworkers' purses and/or wallets are? Kelly Taylor: Everyone usually keeps their wallets in their desks. Russell Weston: That’s fine. That’s just fine. You’re doing great. Kelly Taylor: Oh, God. I’m slipping. (screams louder than ever before) Russell Weston: Help is on the way! Help is on the way! Kelly Taylor: Oh, yes. Russell Weston: Now, is there a safe in the building anywhere? Kelly Taylor: Yes, on the third floor in Accounting. Russell Weston: That’s dynamite, Kelly, dynamite. You are doing an excellent job. Hang in there. (coworker enters room) Coworker: Can I help you? Russell Weston: Oh, I was just leaving. This crazy woman was screaming from the window over there and I thought I would check it out. Coworker: That’s Kelly. She’s a weird one at that. Where is she? Russell Weston: She’s out on the ledge. Coworker: But, this is the first floor. Russell Weston: Hey, you got to humor those with clever imaginations. Coworker: I hear that. I’ll go over and talk to her. Russell Weston: She also said something about stealing everyone’s money and the company’s earnings. That’s probably a lie, too. (Russell exits and coworker approaches window; fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
