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Danny the Bartender... Morgan Freeman Councilman Rodriguez... Horatio Sanz Barfly... Darrell Hammond Reginald Throckmorton II... Seth Meyers Newscaster (VO)... Rob Riggle (Open on the interior of a dimly lit tavern, with a number of faceless patrons sitting at tables and drinking. There is one person, a middle-aged, casually dressed man sitting at the bar, nursing a mug of beer and looking rather pathetic. The bartender, an old African American man, cleans glasses and eyes this man with an "I feel sorry for you" attitude. The camera pans over to the door as it opens, and a well-dressed man enters the bar with a despondent look on his face. He walks up to the bar and seats himself on a stool right next to the barfly. The bartender walks over to this newcomer.) Councilman Rodriguez: (sorrowfully) Danny, scotch on the rocks. I need something strong. Danny: (cordially) Coming right up, Councilman Rodriguez. But if you don't mind my saying so, it seems a little early for your victory drinks. The polls haven't closed yet. Councilman Rodriguez: (exasperated) Victory... HA! I wanna forget this election ever happened, so keep the scotches coming. Danny: (pouring the scotch) You don't think you're gonna win another term, do you? (He sets the glass before Rodriguez, who quickly drinks it down and hands the glass back) Councilman Rodriguez: Let me put it this way - Pamela Anderson has a better chance at getting another TV show than I do at winning re-election. Danny: Ooh, that's bad. (He passes Rodriguez another glass of scotch, and the councilman takes a sip from it.) Councilman Rodriguez: Someday, someday the history books are going to remember me as the only man who lost a political campaign because of a bee sting. (The drunk sitting next to him lifts his head up and turns to look at the councilman, now intrigued by his story.) Barfly: (with slurred, drunken speech) Wait, wait wait wait wait... wait. Huh? How the hell could ya lose an election if you got stung by a bee? Councilman Rodriguez: (agitated) It's not because I got stung, it's where I got stung. Barfly: (offended) So where'd ya get stung? Councilman Rodriguez: Right here. (He lifts up his right hand and shows the barfly his middle finger. The barfly punches Rodriguez in the face, then goes back to his beer) Barfly: Yeah, real funny, jerk. Councilman Rodriguez: (clutching his cheek) I wasn't giving you the finger, jackass. That's where I got stung! Danny: (nonchalantly) Not the best place for it, huh? Councilman Rodriguez: (somberly) Yeah... and I made that same mistake at the final debate two nights ago. The commentator asked me why I was so uncomfortable, I was preoccupied with the issues and how to respond to my opponent and I wasn't thinking straight, so I showed it to him... and a hall full of prospective voters. Danny: You must feel incredibly stupid then, don't you? Councilman Rodriguez: (sadly) Yeah... yeah. (He drinks down the rest of his scotch and gives the glass back to Danny for another refill). My life is ruined because I made one dumb mistake! Barfly: Hey, uh, pal, I know just how ya feel. My future isn't looking too bright either, and I owe it all to one little screw-up. Councilman Rodriguez: Really? What happened to you? Danny: (sarcastically) Here he goes again. (He refills the scotch glass and gives it back to Rodriguez) Barfly: (taking a sip from his beer) About a month ago, my little six year old, Tyler, has to do a family history project for school. He needs to find something out about his grandfather, my dad, who died before he was born. I told Tyler we had some of Dad's stuff up in the attic, all he had to do was look around and he'd find something. Well, he found something, all right. (takes another swig of his beer) I should have told him that my father was once a member of the Ku Klux Klan. Councilman Rodriguez: Ouch. That's gotta be bad for your family's reputation. Barfly: (sounding more slurred) Eh, it wasn't all that bad. The principal told me about how he was showing the robe and hood to all his friends, he seemed so excited when he told them, "My grandpa was a ghost!" (The drunk begins to chuckle, and the other two join in the laughter.) Barfly: Yeah, it was kind of funny. But they said he still needed to be punished for what he did. So I gave him the same punishment my dad gave me - I boxed his ears in until they bled. Councilman Rodriguez: (surprised) Yeow! That's harsh. Danny: (semi-sarcastic) Wait, it gets better. Barfly: (defensively) What?! The kid's gotta learn his lesson. Would've been better if I hadn't done it there in the principal's office. (Rodriguez looks shocked at this revelation, and the drunk grows more defensive) Hey, I had a little too much to drink that morning, my judgement was impaired. Danny: I told you you shouldn't have tequila at seven in the morning. Barfly: (dismissively) Eh, you know I don't listen to what other people have to say when I'm drunk. Danny: True, true. But if you hadn't have been drinking you could have avoided some further embarassment there. Barfly: Ah, like I'm the only guy who threw up on the American flag. Danny: Probably not, but you're most likely the only guy to throw up on it four times in less than a minute. Let me freshen you up, there. (Danny takes the Barfly's glass and sprays in some more beer.) Barfly: So my wife flips out when she hears about it, leaves me and takes Tyler with her, I lose my job because they say I'm "giving the firm a bad reputation," no other place'll hire me 'cause of what I did, I got a bunch of patriot groups sending me hate mail and spray-painting my house 'cause of the flag incident, and uh, that's that. I'm royally screwed until the day I die because of one stupid mistake. It's just wrong, ya know that? Councilman Rodriguez: It certainly is. (Rodriguez and the barfly go back to drinking their brews. The camera pans over to the door again where an elegantly-dressed young man enters. He polishes his glasses on his shirt and looks around the bar with an unapproving expression. NOTE: This man speaks with an haughty, slightly British, somewhat effeminate tone of voice) Reginald Throckmorton II: (condescending) Oh, my, what a dreadful little tavern. Far from the elegance one of my status is accustomed to. (sighs) Ah well, I suppose habitats such as these will be the norm for me for now on. (Throckmorton walks up to the bar and sits down to the right of Rodriguez. The two other men eye him oddly, they are surprised to see a man like this in such an environment. Danny doesn't give him too much consideration, he just walks over to him.) Danny: Can I get you anything to drink, sir? Reginald Throckmorton II: Yes, I would so appreciate a glass of your finest Cabernet, if you please. Danny: (somewhat confused) Beg pardon? Reginald Throckmorton: Oh, you probably don't carry that. I guess that's too much to expect from a place such as this. You wouldn't happen to carry any Dom Perignon? A Pinot Noir, perhaps? Danny: Look pal, I'm sorry but we don't deal in that stuff here. Now if you wanna go across the street and check the alley behind the Pink Pom-Pom, there's a guy there named Reggie. He might have what you're looking for, and he doesn't charge that much per gram... Reginald Throckmorton II: (offended) I beg your pardon?! I'm interested in a fine wine, not some Colombian nose-candy! (sighs again) Just, just get me a glass of ice water please. (Danny heads off to get him his drink. Rodriguez and the drunk lean in and eye him oddly. Throckmorton notices their staring and takes offense) Reginald Throckmorton II: (agitated) Is something troubling you, "gentlemen"? Barfly: (far drunker) You're uh, a little out of your element here, ain't ya, buddy? Reginald Throckmorton II: I was thinking the same thing myself. Unfortunately, due to recent events that have conspired against me, I fear that bourgeois locales such as this will be the only areas I can dwell in comfort from now on. Councilman Rodriguez: Let me guess: you had everything going great for you until you screwed up and ruined your life? (Throckmorton nods in reply) I thought so. (Rodriguez rubs his chin contemplatively) Say, uh, you're some sort of celebrity, aren't you? Reginald Throckmorton II: (regretfully) I was a celebrity, yes. Reginald Throckmorton II, chairman and CEO of Throckmorton Fashions. Councilman Rodriguez: Isn't that the clothing company that sells designer suits and dresses that cost only a buck to make and sell for about twelve hundred? Reginald Throckmorton II: Actually, now they only cost thirty cents to make. The union didn't fare so well at the meeting this year. Heh, five year old Cambodian girls have no negotiation skills. (He chuckles somberly, then lowers his head in shame). I was on top of the world. My clothing clad the wealthy and famous worldwide. Models fought for the honor of wearing one of my dresses down the catwalk. I had wealth, fame, a loving fiancee, I thought it would never end. (sighs) Then some eager papparazi got lucky and caught me making out with one of my top models after a romantic dinner. (groans) It was the leading story in the entertainment section the next day. Councilman Rodriguez: Hey, that doesn't sound that bad. I mean, guys as rich and famous as you are caught having affairs with beautiful women all the time, and it doesn't seem to hurt their reputation that much. Reginald Throckmorton II: Perhaps I should have been more specific. It was one of my male models. Councilman Rodriguez: (in realization) Ohhhhh...(he looks a little disturbed, and moves as far away from Throckmorton on his stool as he can) Reginald Throckmorton II: Well, you took it better than everyone else in my life. My finacee broke off the engagement and filed a suit against me for "emotional anguish", the late-night comics have reduced me to a hackneyed punchline, my colleagues have lost their respect for me... with all the stress in my life I had to step down from my position as chairman. (Danny slides Throckmorton his glass of water, and the former fashion mogul takes a sip. He groans sorrowfully). Reginald Throckmorton II: I had everything, and now, nothing. Barfly: Now wait, I don't see why this would hurt you so badly? I mean, aren't all you fashion guys a little... Reginald Throckmorton II: (irritated) No, we are not all gay! And thanks to my actions perpetuating that foolish stereotype, all of my friends in the fashion world have ostracized me. Ralph Lauren told me that I'm no longer invited to any of his parties! (under his breath) The little bitch. (Rodriguez downs the last of his scotch and slams his glass down) Councilman Rodriguez: (angrily) You know, life just isn't fair! Look at all of us. Here we are, all successful, well-respected men of action... (stops for a moment and gestures towards the barfly to his left) well, most of us. (The barfly attempts to take a bow) But we had great things going for us. And now we've got nothing to look forward to. Our lives are over because we just made one mistake. It's not right! (Danny pounds his fist down on the bar, getting the attention of the three men.) Danny: (seriously) Of course it's not right. It's a damn shame that your reputations have been ruined. But that's how society works. No matter how much good you do in your life, no matter how successful or powerful you are, all it takes is one screw-up and that's all that you'll be known for. Take me for example. I've been running this bar for thirty five years now. Does anyone call me a successful small business owner? No. When I served in Vietnam I took a bullet in the chest defending a peasant family from VC troops. Do they call me a war hero? No. I inherited a hundred thousand dollars from my parents and gave more than half of that to charity. Do they call me a philanthropist? No. (He holds up his index finger) I had sex with one cow, and what do you think everyone calls me? (The men at the bar nod and murmur in understanding) Yeah, I see you've got it. Face facts, boys. It's all downhill from here. (He reaches under the bar and picks up a remote) But I don't want you guys depressed. Let's see what's on the news. (Danny turns to his right and presses a button on the remote, turning on an offscreen TV. A newscaster begins speaking) Newscaster (VO): And now an update on our election coverage. With ninety percent of the districts reporting in, it appears that city council candidate John Shipton has a tremendous lead in the polls over the incumbent Brian "The Finger" Rodriguez. (Rodriguez groans at the sound of his nickname) Looks like the voters are giving Rodriguez half of a peace sign tonight, heh heh heh. (Danny shuts off the TV. Rodriguez sighs and gets up from his seat) Councilman Rodriguez: Well, that's it. I'm gonna go jump off the Eisenhower Bridge. If the fall doesn't kill me, I'll see you guys around. (Throckmorton gets up and walks over to Rodriguez) Reginald Throckmorton II: I suppose I'll come with you. Not like I have anything else to live for. Councilman Rodriguez: (nonchalantly) Yeah, come on. I'll let you go ahead of me if you like. "Ladies first," I always say. (He begins to laugh lightly as he walks off. Throckmorton follows after him with a scowl on his face) Reginald Throckmorton II: (offended) Don't make me scratch your eyes out, honey. (The two men head out, leaving only Danny and the barfly remaining at the bar. Danny turns to his drunken customer.) Danny: Looks like you're stuck with the tab tonight, pal. (The barfly grumbles inaudibly) You want a refill of that brew. Barfly: Eh, why not. Fill 'er up, cow-lover. (The barfly rests his arms down on the bar and places his head down on them. Danny takes his mug, thinks for a moment, then spits in it before he starts filling it up with more beer.) (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
