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Robinson.....Fred Armisen Jill.....Rachel Dratch (A woman, JILL, is standing in a living room and looking out the window concerned. It’s raining hard outside with thunder and lightning. She moves away from the window and towards the door. Her husband, ROB, stumbles in laughing carrying a kayak. He drops the boat on the floor. He looks back towards a car parked outside with headlights on.) Rob: Bye, guys. (The car honks and pulls away. Robinson looks at his wife who gives him a look. ) Jill: Are you, okay? Rob: Yeah. (Beat.) Sorry. Jill: You just went kayaking down a river in the middle of a thunderstorm! Rob: I’ve talked about doing this for awhile with the guys. I had to go. Jill: You told me you wouldn’t do it if it was raining. Rob: I had to. Everyone else went. (Jill gives him another look.) Rob: I’m fine. Don’t worry. Jill: These friends of yours are always getting you into trouble. Rob: I’m really sorry. (Beat.) If it makes you feel any better I won’t do anything even a little bit dangerous for the rest of the week. Jill: (quietly) Thanks, I guess. Rob: I won’t do anything you tell me not to. If I’m doing something, and you can think of a way I can get hurt doing, I’ll stop. (Jill thinks about this for a second and almost smiles.) Jill: Really? Rob: Really. (Rob heads towards a computer that’s in the room. It’s not on.) Jill: What are you doing? (Rob stops and looks back.) Rob: I’m going on the computer. (Jill sits down on the couch and picks up a sweater she was knitting.) Jill: It’s thundering and lightning. It could hit an electric cord and travel to the computer. Rob: Oh. Alright. (Jill begins to knit looking down at the sweater. Rob goes over to an arm chair in front of the TV and sits down. He picks up a remote. Jill looks up.) Jill: What are you doing? Rob: I’m going to watch Judge Judy. Jill: What if lightning hits aan electrical cord and goes into the TV? Rob: I’m all the way over here. Jill: Maybe the bolt will go through the TV and back to the remote. Rob: I don’t think that can happen. Jill: How do you know? (Rob pauses to think. He exhales.) Rob: Alright. (Rob puts the remote down and picks up a book.) Jill: Are you reading? Rob: Yeah, why? Jill: You could get a paper cut. Rob: I’ll just put a band-aid on it. Jill: What if you’re a hemophiliac? Rob: I’m not a hemophiliac. Jill: Are you sure? (Beat.) Do you have any exact perfect memories of being cut? Rob: (Beat.) I know I’ve had cuts before. I don’t remember any in particular. Jill: Well, maybe you don’t remember any of those cuts because each time you lost so much blood that you passed out. Rob: (giving up) I guess. (Rob puts the book down.) Rob: I’ll just rest then. ( He puts his head back.) Jill: Ooh. I don’t know how safe that chair is. (Rob throws his arms up.) Rob: What? Jill: What if it collapses and you break your back and you become paralyzed? Rob: So, what? You want me to stand up? Jill: I think it’d be best. Rob: (a little annoyed) Alright, I’ll stand up. (He hops up and stands in the middle of the room perfectly still with his arms folded.) Rob: Happy? Jill: Thanks. (Jill goes back to her knitting as Rob stares at her. He unfolds his arms and sticks them in his pocket shaking his head. He almost says something when Jill looks up at him.) Jill: Actually, could you stand over there, (points) behind the chair. There more's room over there so there’s less of a chance you’ll trip over something. Rob: Are you serious? Jill: Yes. (Rob sighs and walk over there.) Rob: Hey, you’re knitting with needles. You could accidently slip and stab yourself in the stomach. Jill: They’re plastic. Rob: You never know. Jill: Hey, I’ve lived a safe life for thirty-two years, unlike you. I think I know what I’m doing. Rob: Who knits anymore anyways? (There’s a pause.) Rob: (unseriously) Hey, I don’t know how safe I am standing up so high. What if my legs buckle? I don’t know if my upper body could take the fall. (Beat.) Maybe- Jill: (interrupting) Try squatting. Rob: What? Jill: Yeah. That’d be good. (Rob looks at her angrily and squats down.) Rob: Like this? (Jill takes a good look at him.) Jill: Try holding your arms out forward with your palms open. (Rob does it and looks up at her.) Jill: Good. This way you’ll be able to catch yourself if you topple over. Rob: What if a meteor came and hit me? Then what? Jill: I got something. (Jill gets up and goes behind the couch. She picks up a bike helmet and brings it over to Rob. She straps it on his head as he stays perfectly still. It’s small on him.) Jill: It’s better than nothing. Rob: This is your helmet though. It’s too tight. Jill: It’s mine. You don’t have one for your bike. (Rob stares and looks as if he’s about to cry. Jill goes back to the couch to knit. Rob shakes his head miserably. Suddenly, the window is filled with a bright light and a sound like a dropping bomb is heard. A second later a comet two feet in diameter crashes through the window and hits Rob on the head. A pile of dust forms as Jill goes over. The dust clears and Rob gets up bewildered. His helmet is crushed but he’s alright.) Jill: Oh, my gosh. Rob: I got hit by a meteor. Jill: Are you okay? Rob: My helmet protected me. Jill: See? Rob: So, you really did just want me to be safe. (She nods. They hug.) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
