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...Lorne Michaels ...Kenan Thompson ...Finesse Mitchell ...Amy Poehler ...Tina Fey ...Horatio Sanz ...Rob Riggle ...Darrell Hammond ...Seth Meyers ...Chris Parnell ...Maya Rudolph ...Morgan Freeman (Open to Studio 8H’s backstage area. SUPER: 1 week ago. Kenan, Finesse, and Rob Riggle are complaining) Kenan: Man, this place burns like a mother- (Rob Riggle interrupts him) Rob: Yeah... a big hot sweaty Nubian mother. And she’s got 20 kids and doesn’t have a toaster in her apartment! (awkward silence. Finesse gives Rob a weird look and then continues) Finesse: No air conditioning, no breaks, and constant slave-driving from an old white dude. It’s ROOTS but with General Electric mouse-pads! (Cut to a close-up of a blue mouse pad with the GE logo in red. The camera fades to Amy Poehler enters lugging a large fan behind her) Amy: I found a fan for us to use! It’s pretty big, so there might be some relief. Rob: (talks suave and swings his hips) I’ll give you some relief! Amy: I’m married, and you’re just not my type! If I’m gonna cheat, I need a man who can lay down and become my personal man-slave! I don’t want a basic door-mat. I want a guy who would literally destroy every ounce of happiness in his life so I could live the easy life! (Amy plugs in the fan. A loud spark goes off. There’s a booming noise. Everyone stays still.) Finesse: Woah! Kenan: (looks at Finesse) The first black man to say woah. Damn brother, do you have white vocal chords or something? (Horatio runs from the back of the fan yelling. His hands are covering his face) Horatio: Aaah, my face is on fire! My fricken face is on fire!! Rob: Horatio, are you okay? I knew that cheap fan would be dangerous. Horatio: (calms down and removes his hands) Oh, was I that believable? It’s my new recurring character, "Face on Fire Guy." It’s awesome, I run around for 4 minutes yelling about how much my face hurts. (Amy walks into Lorne’s office) Amy: Lorne, it’s too hot and dangerous to work here! We’ve made it through the first 3 episodes, but we can’t take it anymore! I think it’s time for a revolt! It’s been 25 years in the making! Lorne: You haven’t been in the cast for 25 years. Amy: Yeah, but I just felt the need to include the number 25 in my conversation. Lorne: Amy, I think we can work up a solution. (A beat) If you can work me up. (talks suave) Amy: Why does everyone have to hit on me? Lorne: I’m sorry, this building is just really bad for me right now. All the old guys are starting to pass away, it’s just scary. Plus I have to deal with the critics riding up on me about how bad this season was. Anyways, I think I have an idea that just might pull us out this funk we’re all having. We’re going on the road! For the rest of the mock season, we’re going to have each show in a brand new location. (Cut to Lorne and the cast in an airplane) Lorne: Okay let’s start hauling hair people. Tina, where’s the first potential location. Tina: Lorne, these places suck: Barbados, New Jersey, the shores of Madagascar. Lorne: My niece liked the movie, I thought we could have a kid-friendly show for once. Tina: Lorne, I’ve got some places in mind, just follow my lead. (Fade to a black screen and this begins the pre-filmed segments. Tina’s voice pots up) Tina: Hey Lorne, how about Vegas, get ready for a night of pure sinning. (The typical SNL music pots up as the camera cuts to a series of scenes of the cast doing things in Vegas. Cut to Darrell Hammond using the slot machines. He’s unsuccessful and starts pounding the machine.) Darrell: Damn you to hell, you worthless machine. I can bet that this game was spawned by Satan himself! (Camera cuts to a close-up of the machine’s name. It’s called Jesus’s lucky numbers.) (Cut to Seth Meyers grabbing some ladies whose faces are hidden and barging into a hotel room. A couple minutes pass and Seth runs out screaming) Seth: Why is there no proper lighting in these hotels? How could I have picked up drag queens. This is Caesar’s Palace, why would gay guys come here? (A Guy in drag grabs Seth and takes him back into the room) (Cut to the lobby of MGM Grand, with the MGM lion statue standing in the center. Horatio Sanz drunkenly stumbles by and collapses onto the lion and destroys it. The screen freezes. Lorne’s voice pots up) Lorne V/O: I don’t know, it was crazy in Vegas. I think the best spot for the episode should be somewhere else. Tina Fey V/O: I hear ya. Some-where more appropriate. How about Alaska! (Cut to a new montage showing random images of Alaska. Cut to Chris Parnell running butt naked across the tundra) Chris Parnell: I’m the tiger of the deep! I’m the lion of the jungle. I’m the Suzanne Somers of the Home-Shopping network! (He stops and suddenly collapses onto the frozen tundra. Cut to Maya Rudolph singing with a bunch of eskimos. They look disgusted while she sings) (Cut to Rob Riggle ice fishing. He’s unsuccessful and starts stomping on the ice. The patch breaks and he falls through. Screen freezes. Lorne starts talking) Lorne V/O: Tina, I don’t know. I’m sure these places are good for other episodes. But for this episode of the mock season, I want somewhere explosive. I want somewhere that will appeal to everyone. (Fade to random scenes from San Andreas. Gun’s and Roses’ Welcome to the Jungle pots up. The montage looks similar to the video-game commercial. Cut Finesse on the street corner. A car goes by, but Finesse grabs his gun takes a shot. Police sirens ring out and Finesse makes a run for it.) Finesse: Hey wait a minute, this isn’t New York, this is San Andreas. I’ll blend right in! (He casually walks into a different street that is full of black people.) (Cut to Kenan running with an AK-47 in his hands. He’s at the docks and he dives into the water.) Kenan: Aaah! I’m the baddest mother around! Woo! (Cut to Morgan Freeman in complete pimp attire, and some hot ladies surround him!) Morgan Freeman: The sun is setting and I’ve got hot ladies! This is so much better than that hidden sex scene! (The music stops and fade to Lorne standing live in front of Home-base) Lorne: It could have been great. We could have performed some great comedy amongst gangs, car-jacking and rape! I know Kenan and Finesse were disappointed, but quite frankly I just didn’t like the atmosphere. I didn’t feel welcome in San Andreas. Sure I was a rich white dude, but I was polite. And after that whole sex scene incident, I would have democrats up my ass! And there’s no telling what they could have done to the cast. Lorne: Since we ran out of time with our search, I decided that we fly back here for a show. Hey, a building is a building. I think this little excursion taught them to appreciate what they have... like their jobs. I threatened to fire them if they didn’t go back to Studio 8H and forget about ever taking SNL on the road again. (Kenan and Finesse walk up to Lorne) Kenan: We really bonded on the road. I miss the lights and the excitement. I just want something remember this by. Finesse: I didn’t even get any crack. I was in San Andreas, the "Martha’s Vineyard" of crack! (Morgan Freeman enters still in Pimp attire) Morgan Freeman: I’m thinking about doing the show in this mack daddy suit. (Kenan and Finesse get excited) Kenan: This is the first time I’ve seen you keeping it real! Finesse: Did you bring any "souvenirs"? Morgan Freeman: (looks at camera) Yeah, I made sure to bring lots of... "Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
