|
|
|
|
|
|
|
.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler .....Pauly Shore Bill O’Reilly.....Rob Riggle Rafeal Palmeiro.....Fred Armisen .....Paul McCartney Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. This week, President Bush took advantage of the congressional summer recess and named John Bolton as ambassador to the United Nations. Bolton was pleased with the decision, stating, (in a Yosemite Sam voice) "Ah'm as pleased as punch that ah'm gonna be working at that thar UN! I promise ah'll be the rootinest, tootinest, fastest-shootinest ambassador ya'll ever had!" (back to her normal voice) You get it, the mustache makes him look like Yosemite Sam... ah screw it. Critics of Bolton decried his appointment, claiming that his belligerent and sometimes arrogant attitude would hinder essential duties that the UN needs to perform, duties such as taking multimillion dollar bribes from dictators to look the other way, and blaming everything that's wrong in the world on America and Israel. Amy Poehler: A new biography about Jimi Hendrix claims that the rock legend pretended to be gay in order to avoid service in Vietnam. This allegation has led many classic rock fans to wonder if he really is singing "'scuse me while I kiss this guy." Korean scientists successfully cloned a dog this week, and it's just as tender and juicy as the original. Tina Fey: The Nature Conservancy, a conservationist group in Arkansas recently cut down dozens of trees and plans to kill another four acres in order to harvest bark to provide food for the rare ivory-billed woodpecker. So congratulations, Nature Conservancy, you're Weekend Update's "Hypocrites of the Week." The comic strip Blondie and Dagwood is preparing to celebrate its 75th anniversary in September. Cartoonists across America have offered there congratulations to the strip for its longevity and it's ability to keep newer, more innovative comic strips from entering syndication through the use of jokes and story lines that became stale back in the 1950s. Way to go, Dagwood! Amy Poehler: Woah, wait. They've been in the papers for 75 years? Tina Fey: Yes they have, Amy. Amy Poehler: (astounded) Wow. The social security problem must really be bad if they've had to work for that long. Tina Fey: (patronizing) It is, Amy, it is. Amy Poehler: On Monday Rafael Palmiero tested positive for Steroids and has received a 10 day suspension. When asked to comment about his fierce denial of steroid use in front of Congress, Palmiero said "I lied under oath and got punished, what the hell happened? I thought if Bill Clinton got away, I would too!" Tina Fey: And now, ladies and Gentleman, here to comment on something is... (looks at the card) oh great (gets a bored look) Pauly Shore everyone. Pauly Shore: Hey everyone I'm baa-ack! Who's wants to party Buh-uh-dy? Amy Poehler: Please don’t do that. Pauly: But you guys, I rule. I’ve got my new show... I can’t remember the name of it! Why the hell can’t I remember it! Why does this keep happening to me? Tina Fey: Maybe because it’s just another gimmick show that’s attempting to resurrect your fame! Amy: Pauly, you never had any fame! And this show is going to be cancelled faster than my leg wound heals! Pauly: I’m not here for your support. I’m just here to say something. I hope the show cancels! I’m like the Lance Armstrong of failed sitcoms, I’ve had 7 straight bombs. But this is America, and life can be fun even when I’m a has-been. I get to hang out with all these cool celebs, and I still got a cool house. Who cares if I’m a C-list celeb! Okay... I’m not a C-lister more like an F-lister or even a Z-lister. I’m happy with who I am! I did the show because I wanted to give the public an actual scripted show. I mean reality tv is clogging up the airwaves! Hell, those guys and gals are the real has-beens! In fact they’re the sorriest excuse for celebrities, and they make me vomit! Maybe if they slept with me, then I would reconsider them! So in conclusion, I’m happy being a has-been, and there’s always gonna be some. In fact I could name some future has-beens! Tina Fey: Oh that’s not necessary... we have enough commentaries on future has-beens. Saturday Night Live makes fun of all the celebrities and then some, we don’t need anymore help! Pauly: All right then (looks at Amy) I’ll see you at the after-party! Amy Poehler: Pauly Shore everyone! (Grabs a walkie talkie) Security please show Mr. Shore the latest stun guns and human torture equipment. On Wednesday medical researchers announced that cognitive therapy reduces the number of suicide attempts. In other news a monkey still eats his feces, Marlon Brando is still dead, and rap fans would give up their rims to have Vanilla Ice castrated and killed! Tina Fey: Bob Dylan's single Like a Rolling Stone" ranked #1 in the countdown of the most influential song ever. And ranking #1 in the least influential song countdown was Chris Rock’s "No sex in the champagne room". Sorry Chris! But I for one also hate sex in the champagne room, I mean some people are so inconsiderate! The NCAA has banned the use of American Indian mascots by sports teams. This is because of the recent complaints from the North Carolina-Pembroke Braves’ mascot, Chief Slow Onawakee. (photo shows crosseyed naked Native American with blur blocking nether regions) Amy Poehler: An allegedly mentally retarded death row inmate from Virginia was deemed competent to face the death penalty. It is now known that his last meal will be yummy lollipops. Melissa Etheridge is returning to recording music and performing on a semi-regular basis. It is also been rumored of a new book coming out about her struggles with her fight against breast cancer. I bet I know what isn’t on her list of things to do: Men. Tina Fey: A man was sentenced Thursday to seven years in prison for sexually assualting a female passenger who was asleep next to him on an airplane. The man’s defense was that “someone on the wing of the plane told him to feel her up.” Investigators looking into the Air France jet that went off the runway and burst into flames feel that the plane landed farther down the lane that it should have, but they still don’t know the true cause of the incident. If you honestly want my opinion, I truly believe that it was penguins. (picture of penguins on top of plane ripping it apart, flames coming out of side of jet) Damn penguins! Amy Poehler: Robert Blake’s first wife said in her court deposition that he tried to have her killed after they divorced. Blake answered back saying, “What are you bitching about? You’re not the one I had killed!” President Bush said this week, that even with the numerous deaths in Iraq, that he still has no idea as to when troops will be pulled out of Iraq. Bush said, “The United States will continue to stay the course.” George, we didn’t believe it when your father said it, and we don’t believe it when you just said it. Figure it out, short bus! Tina Fey: A recent poll by the Washington Post shows that less Americans think President Bush is honest when it comes to Iraq. Asked to answer the claim, President Bush said, “If I’m lying than why isn’t my nose getting bigger like in “Pinocchio”. Hey! What’s happening to my nose? Daddy!” Katherine Harris said this week that even if the Republican Party tries to block her from running for the Senate, she would run anyhow. Katherine, this is just like high school, isn’t it? Remember when Johnny Hugar asked you out to the Senior Prom, and then he stood you up? And you walked to the prom and everyone was laughing at you? Yeah, this is your life, Katherine! Amy Poehler: Mark Wahlberg said this week that he plans to quit the movie business by his 40th birthday. He wants to spend the next 6 years saving his money so he will never have to work again, after his 40th birthday. Hey Marky Mark, remember when you use to drop your pants all the time! Yeah! Those were some good times. Hey, I got an idea. Write a biography about your third nipple! Your fans will love that! (To herself) So much for me doing a cameo on “Entourage”. And now here with a commentary about Major League Baseball and steroids, is host of “The O’Reilly Factor” on FOX NEWS, Bill O’Reilly! Bill O’Reilly: Thank you, Amy! It’s time for the no spin zone! Baltimore Orioles’ first baseman Rafeal Palmeiro got himself into a world of hot water, when he failed a test for steroids. As everyone knows, steroids are an illegal performance-enhancing drug in several sports these days. But my question is, WHY IS EVERYONE OVERREACTING? Simply, anyone could have seen this coming! How else can you explain Palmeiro hitting his 3000th hit this season? The record is 262 hits, by some Japanese guy last season. That’s a huge difference if you ask me. Amy Poehler: Bill, you do realize Palmeiro’s 3000 hit are a career total! Bill O’Reilly: Amy, I’ll ask for your opinion when I want it! Folks, I’ve used performance-enhancing drugs before, and I’ll tell you first hand, they would make anyone look the way Palmeiro looks. He looks haggard. Amy Poehler: The guy is 40 years old! Of course he looks haggard! Bill O’Reilly: Ms. Poehler, did you not hear me the first time? Shut your mouth! Tina Fey: Mr. O’Reilly, I’m going to have to ask you to leave! You are being moronic, and you are making no valid points. Please leave! Bill O’Reilly: Well, ladies and gentlemen, it seems the liberal media is sticking the foot in my mouth, without my consent. I’ll be finishing this wonderfully written commentary on my show “The O’Reilly Factor” on FOX NEWS at 3am. I’m Bill O’Reilly and this has been the factor! Amy Poehler: An unbelievable douche bag, everybody! That’s the last time we have him here! Tina Fey: I agree. Eddie Murphy and his wife of 12 years, Nicole, are in the process of getting a divorce. In other news, Hollywood is filing a divorce from Eddie Murphy, because he hasn’t had a good film since…since…has Eddie Murphy ever have any good films? Amy Poehler: It was announced this week that Las Vegas would be the location of the 2007 NBA All-Star game. That really sucks for gamblers, because Atlanta was the odds on favorite for 2007. Live and learn I guess! (The Weekend Update phone rings) Tina Fey: Amy, the Weekend Update phone is ringing! (Picks up the receiver) Hello? Rafeal Palmeiro: Hello. Tina Fey? This is Rafeal Palmeiro. I saw Bill O’Reilly’s rant. I’d like to tell the American people my side of the story. Tina Fey: By all means! Rafeal Palmeiro: I have never taken steroids! Never! Why would I? I am a legend…and legends are known for their grace and their sportsmanship. I have never taken steroids! Tina Fey: That’s not what Jose Canseco said! Rafeal Palmeiro: Jose Canseco? You can never rely on the integrity of a man who let a ball bounce off his head and went over the fence. He is a joke! Believe me! I am a legend of the game! I do not need performance-enhancing drugs! Amy Poehler: That’s not what your wife said! Rafeal Palmeiro: My wife? You are only saying that because I’m a spokesman for Viagra! (A beep is head over the speakerphone) Tina Fey: Rafeal, we have an incoming call. Can you hold on the line? Rafeal Palmeiro: Yeah. (Tina clicks over to the next line) Tina Fey: Hello? Paul McCartney: Hello. Tina Fey? This is your favorite Beatle! Love, love me do! You know I love you! Tina Fey: Oh! Hello, Paul! You caught us by surprise! Paul McCartney: Well, I just wanted to call and let you know that Ringo and I have solved our little feud. Yeah! Ringo and I have agreed to tour together. Yeah! I’m performing and he’s going to drive the bus! Apparently, Ringo needs the work! He got fired from the car wash he was working at! That’s kind of funny if you ask me! A flippy do! I have to go! “Cheaters” is coming. Oh, by the way, I think Rafeal Palmeiro does use steroids! And that’s coming from a BEATLE! Good night! (Paul McCartney hangs up) Tina Fey: Well, you heard it first folks, Paul McCartney thinks Rafeal Palmeiro uses steroids. (Clicks over the first line) Rafeal? Are you there? Rafeal Palmeiro: I’m here. Let me restate, I do not use steroids! Tina Fey: That’s not what Paul McCartney said! Rafeal Palmeiro: That’s it! I give up! This interview is over! (Rafeal Palmeiro hangs up) Tina Fey: Steroid user Rafeal Palmeiro, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Together: Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
