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.....Ewan McGregor .....Ewan's Daughter .....Lorne Michaels .....Horatio Sanz .....Darrell Hammond .....Jason Sudeikis [ open on interior, child's bedroom. Ewan MacGregor's 9-year old daughter is asleep, as he tiptoes into the room. ] Daughter: Daddy? Is that you? Ewan McGregor: Yes, Clara. Daddy's home. Daughter: You've been gone all night. What time is it? Ewan McGregor: Oh, it's very late. But I only just got back into town. Daughter: Where were you, Daddy? Ewan McGregor: I was in New York, hosting "Saturday Night Live." Would you like me to tell you all about it. Daughter: [ excited ] Oh, yes! Ewan McGregor: I suppose I shouldn't, on account of your mom says that show is bad. [ looks toward the door ] This is only true when viewed in the proper perspective, of course. In the old days, if you booked Steve Martin on the show it would be the funniest thing you ever saw. On the other hand, if you book Paris Hilton you have no one to blame but yourself.. even if the experience turns out to be a different kind of funny. So you feel this tremendous pressure when you visit the studio, because it really is the scariest thing anyone in my profession can face. Daughter: Because the show goes on the air whether it's ready or not, and because of all the last-minute script revisions? Ewan McGregor: [ pats her head ] You're a brilliant little girl, you know that? Actually, it's scary because the studio is inhabited by a demonous two-faced ogre -- [ dissolve to an interior hall at Studio 8-H, staffers passing Lorne Michaels left and right as he stands amid the flurry ] Lorne Michaels: Has anyone seen our host? Heads are going to roll if our host doesn't show up? [ sips the last of his drink ] And why is my glass empty? Someone had better pour me another hit, or I'll put your heads back on your necks and make them roll again! Let's go! [ Ewan McGregor enters the hall ] Ewan McGregor: Sorry, I hope I'm not late. Lorne Michaels: [ his face lights up and the charm comes oozing out ] Ewan! So delighted to see you! We have lots to talk about, I absolutely adored your new film! Ewan McGregor: [ uneasy ] Thanks.. I think. Are they any last-minute revisions for me to look at? Lorne Michaels: You just do whatever you think is best, and I'll fire whoever wrote anything different for you to say. Ewan McGregor: That shouldn't be necessary, but I appreciate your support. Lorne Michaels: [ pats Ewan's back ] Have a good show. If it bombs, try not to leave any witnesses. [ exits down the hall ] Ewan McGregor: Right. Ewan McGregor V/O: Of course, that ol' ogre was nothing compared to the fright that was still to come. For as I walked further down those hollowed halls, I soon crossed paths with a nasty fire-breathing dragon -- [ Horatio Sanz barrells into the hall ] Horatio Sanz: Ewan! You should've came earlier, bro, it was spicy garlic cheesebread night! Take a whiff! [ blows his hot breath in Ewan's face ] Ewan McGregor: [ waving his hand ] Wow, you certainly give chutney pie a run for its money. Horatio Sanz: don't worry - there'll be more at the after party. Try to keep the vampires away. [ blows a harder whiff of hot breath in Ewan's face before exiting ] Ewan McGregor V/O: But, despite all the harrowing nightmares, there were pleasant moments, cross my heart. Like when I met the World's Oldest Living Man -- [ Ewan approaches a cross-armed Darrell Hammond in the hall; Darrell looks remorseful ] Ewan McGregor: Darrell, I just want to say that it's an honor to work with you tonight. I never would have gotten through my twenties if it weren't for you. Darrell Hammond: [ sighs heavily ] Yeah, whatever. Ewan McGregor: Hey, why so sad, Darrell? Your sketch wasn't cut, I hope. Darrell Hammond: No. My one sketch will be on the show tonight. Well.. on "Update", anyway, whatever that's worth. Ewan McGregor: Oh? what have they got you doing? Darrell Hammond: Clinton. Again. I get to comment on Bush's vacation - whoo-hoo! Ewan McGregor: Oh, well, I'm sure it'll be great. When you do that thumbs-up, lip-biting thing.. for me, it's like it's 1996 all over again. [ Darrell sulks away from the hall ] Ewan McGregor V/O: The World's Oldest Living Man always has an engaging story to tell, but I didn't have time to listen because I had to do my monologue. Daughter V/O: Did they let you do the opening line? [ in the hall, Ewan looks at the camera confidently and straightens his tie ] Ewan McGregor V/O: Oh, they sure did. And that was the most fun of all. Nothing tops that moment when they let you look out at America and say: [ suddenly, Jason Sudeikis pops into the frame, wraps his arms around Ewan and yells: ] Jason Sudeikis: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!" [ Jason quickly exits frame as Ewan appeared shocked, the realization hitting him as he rushes after Jason and we dissolve into the opening montage ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
