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Homeless Man... Steve Buscemi (special guest) Passenger 1... Rachel Dratch Passenger 2... Fred Armisen Passenger 3... Seth Meyers Passenger 4... Chris Parnell Passenger 5... Ewan McGregor (Open to a crazy, blabbering homeless man is sitting in station of subway with shopping cart and number of items under rags and smelly towels; when homeless man speaks several passengers walk by him ignoring him) Homeless Man: Help a guy out, huh? We can do business. We can make a deal. I just need some food here. Hey, what did you have today, filet mignon (says it phonetically). Yeah, I bet you did. Delicious, huh? Well, my filet mignon (again phonetically) today was a half-eaten grilled cheese that I found behind the old folk’s home two weeks ago. At least... I keep telling myself that it’s a grilled cheese sandwich. (A passenger bends over to tie his shoes; ignores homeless man) Homeless Man: Oh, yeah, look at this guy. With his two hundred dollar shoes. Oh, no; my shoes have come untied, they touched the subway station floor. Better go get some new ones, huh? (man leaves) Yeah, you go. And don’t come back. Can’t give a hobo a break, huh? What’s the deal with you, people. Make me an offer, and I’ll do it. (passenger approaches) Passenger 1: You poor, poor man. Here, here is some change. Homeless Man: Oh, thanks. Really, thank you. But, I delve merely in the process of sales. I shall give you something in return for your 12 cents. Passenger 1: No, that’s quite alright. Homeless Man: Now, now, I really can help you. (goes through and pulls out a pot) How about this? You can cook things in this, like soup and stuff. Passenger 1: I really just want you to have the money. Homeless Man: No way, man. I’m a salesman. Here, what about this? Passenger 1: This is the same pot. Homeless Man: Yes. But this pot has been with me since the beginning of TIME!! Passenger 1: Right... Homeless Man: What... do you think I’m lying? Why wouldn’t I have a pot that’s been around since the beginning time... magazine. Passenger 1: Look, I’ll just take the money back if it means so much to you. I’m sure there will be another homeless man who will be more gratified by my actions. (passenger leaves, and homeless man throws the 12 cents at her) Homeless Man: Get out, go on. Who needs you? This isn’t some Paris Hilton carnival, this is an upstanding business! (passenger approaches) Passenger 2: Hello, greasy. What do you need? Some money, huh? Well, I’ll give you some money, but you have to dance for it. Homeless Man: Good, money for something in return. Now, how much money are we talking? Thirty cents? Forty cents? Passenger 2: I'll give you a whole buck. This is gonna be so funny. Homeless Man: A buck? I’m not Fred Astaire here. Give me a price that will match up to my quality and expertise of dancing. Ya know, I'm not in ballet, I’m in sales. What about twenty-five cents, a quarter? Come on. Passenger 2: I really think a buck would be enough for what I have to witness. Homeless Man: A dollar, this is a joke. Stop pulling my leg, kid, because if anybody should be screwing you it’s me. I’m in business, and I lie through my teeth to get what I want. A dime is my final offer. Passenger 2: Forget it. (leaves) Homeless Man: What do you have to do to haggle in a subway station like this? (passenger approaches) Passenger 3: I couldn’t help but overhear your debacle over there. I’ll gladly pay you for something in return. What do you have underneath that fecal-ridden towel? Homeless Man: Ah, finally a man who has seen my light. We can finally talk business among this cavalcade of uncaring subway spectators and dive into what is commonly known as fair exchange. Passenger 3: Shut up, crack whore. Now, what do you have? Homeless Man: This is a painting of George Washington, it’s in this nice golden frame. Notice the use of watercolors for the eyes, simply amazing. Passenger 3: Wow, a copy of our first president’s portrait. This is something. Homeless Man: Well, I don’t know how much of a copy it is since it has Washington’s signature on the back. Passenger 3: You forged that. Homeless Man: (shows his disfigured hands) I understand you thinking that I’m a liar. But I’m a businessman first. Now, come on, what will you give me for it? Let’s start at five bucks. Passenger 3: Hey guy, I said I would help you out. Isn’t five bucks a little steep? Homeless Man: Come on, now, we can haggle a bit. What’s your price? Passenger 3: I don’t know, like 80 cents. Homeless Man: 80 cents? 80 cents. You want an original George Washington painting for 80 cents? Get the hell out of here!!!!!! Get out!!!!! Passenger 3: But, look at it. It’s torn at the bottom of the picture, it’s ruined. Homeless Man: Look, I bent over backwards not to get any dog crap on this thing. I vomit at least twice a day, and none of that bile ever touched a morsel of this image in any way. I expect a little gratitude. I took a businessman ethics oath! Passenger 3: How about a buck, Mr. Business Saavy. Homeless Man: Sold. Please come again. Man, do I know how to make a man squirm. (Passenger 3 leaves with original artwork. And Passenger 4 approaches) Homeless Man: Well, what can I do for you, young man? Got a lot of stuff in my heap over here. Passenger 4: I was wondering if you could tell me what time the Marriott restaurant closes on Main and Fifth? I’m really hungry. Homeless Man: You’re hungry? Heh, the last time I ate a square meal was two months ago. This guy was kicking me in the face, and there was this bird seed all over his shoe. With the taste of my own blood and swallowing some teeth, it was practically a seven course meal for me. Passenger 4: Yes, how quaint. I really must be getting on the subway. Filthy things, aren’t they? I own a number of sports cars, yet I can’t find a parking space for any one of them in this damn city. Homeless Man: What you need is some art. Passenger 4: I really don’t have any time. My wife, a model, is waiting for me, and I really should be going. Homeless Man: I’ll cut you. By god I’ll cut you good. (He grabs a sharp edge of a thick piece of paper. Camera pans to the paper and it’s the bum’s businessman’s ethics oath paper) Homeless Man: It’s an extreme PAPER-CUT, old school ghetto style! Okay... I haven’t actually gone to the ghetto, it’s too stabby over there. And they call me an Oreo over there. Which is funny because I like Pecan Cookies and not Oreos. Passenger 4: You’re going to give me a paper cut with your business ethics oath? Isn’t that a bit odd? Homeless Man: This is the subway, nothing is normal! (he growls) Passenger 4: Well, I am a bit of an art connoisseur. But, I can pick out a fake from a mile away. (homeless man digs into heap of garbage and junk) Homeless Man: Here is some of Mozart’s priceless works, complete and uncut. Put those in a Pizza Hut delivery case that I stole. Look at the fine-print, how clean it is. Passenger 4: This is amazing, how wonderful. I’m not sure any museum holds this. Homeless Man: Pretty nice, huh? How about $3.25? Passenger 4: I don’t like to buy anything without my lawyers present. Homeless Man: Well, here’s some more stuff. I got Liberace’s burial gown, I got Picasso paintings, I got Richard Nixon’s Watergate tapes, I got.... Passenger 4: I am astounded. These are all genuine articles. I don’t believe it, these could be worth millions. Homeless Man: So, you’ll give me something for it, anything. Passenger 4: I really have to be running, though. I’ll catch you some other time, huh. Will you be here in a week or so? Homeless Man: I will be in... one of my many different establishments, including the Men’s room at Quiznos, a dark alley behind the mental hospital. And yeah the subway. I really have tried to localize my territory. Passenger 4: I hope to do business with you... (passenger goes to shake homeless man’s hand and leaves. Passenger Number 5 walks by he’s kind of preoccupied) Homeless Man: Hello sir... I’m guessing you’re very busy today, say are you from out of town? Passenger 5: (looks at the bum and hands him a dollar) I’m uh distracted can you leave me alone... here’s a dollar now shoo! Homeless: HELLO!!! Do you think I’m just another vagrant that accepts hand-outs from upper-class stuffed shirts. No... I am a businessman. I will sell you something for your buck. Passenger 5: Oh will you please get the hell away from me! I’ve had a rotten week. My fiancee called off the engagement, my mother decided sell my collections of Obi Wan Kenobi mouse-pads. And now I’m supposed to pick up my 15 year old step brother and take him to see this idiotic documentary called "A River of Testosterone-The Candice Bergan Story." Homeless Man: Let me tell you something about bad weeks. Have you ever had an entire herd of llamas trample over your supply of dirty condoms? Oh and here’s a good one... my best handkerchief was used in a game of Russian Roulette and my guy died!! Passenger 5: (isn’t paying attention to the bum’s sob story and has noticed something) Is that an original document of the Emancipation Proclamation? Homeless Man: You mean my lucky piss paper! No way... that thing isn’t for sale. Passenger 5: Piss Paper? That thing is uh... here’s 2 dollars. Homeless Man: Nope, you’re going to have to go higher up. (Passenger digs around and grabs a handkerchief from his pocket) Passenger 5: Here’s 2 dollars and my handkerchief. (Homeless Man takes the handkerchief and shrieks like a little girl) Homeless Man: Oh... and it’s used also. You’ve got yourself a deal!!! (Passenger 5 takes the document and runs) Homeless Man: Oh baby... I’ve got myself a genuine handkerchief with genuine ear wax stain. (Fade to a series of spinning newspaper headlines) HOMELESS MAN NEARLY ATTACKS ART HISTORIAN (Cut to the next paper) VINCENT VAN GOGH’S SEVERED EAR’S WAX FOUND ON HANDKERCHIEF (Cut to next paper with a picture of Homeless man in a suit) BUM BECOMES MEGA MILLIONAIRE (Cut to next paper with a picture of Homeless man naked and surrounded by children) FORMER HOMELESS MAN FOUND TO BE A PEDOPHILE. (Cut to final paper) RICH PEDOPHILE CLAIMS THE CHILDREN WERE STEALING HIS BUSINESS ETHICS OATH PAPER AND HE HAD TO CHASE THEM WHILE NAKED (End) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
