|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Narrator... Chris Parnell Leon... Finesse Mitchell David... Ewan McGregor Angie... Rachel Dratch Brian... Seth Meyers Veronica... Amy Poehler Joseph Stalin... Darrell Hammond White Convict... Rob Riggle Hispanic Convict... Horatio Sanz Black Convict... Kenan Thompson Pusher... Seth Meyers (A flickering screen appears, rapidly cutting into a screen of gray. The following words are displayed in white) CORONATION FILMS - Molding the youth of today into the obedient social zombies of tomorrow - Presents: [cut to another gray screen. A light, classical string piece begins playing in the background] WHAT'S EATING YOU? [Copyright 1956] (The screen then cuts to a black and white movie set in a high school hallway. A well-dressed African American teenager is seen getting books from his locker. He gets them all and closes his locker) Narrator: (always speaks in a cheery, instructional tone) This is Leon, a sophomore who attends a school much like yours. Did you pass that big chemistry test today, Leon? (Leon turns to the camera and nods in reply, holding up a test paper with an "A+" on it) Narrator: Well that's great to hear. Kids, Leon here is one of the finest students at his school. He's polite, studious and always attentive. Very rare traits to find in a Negro. (Leon looks offended and puts his arms to his hips in anger. Another student, David, walks into the scene. David's hair is messy, his shirt is stained, he slouches and he has a scowl on his face. Leon turns to look at his friend.) Narrator: Ah, here comes David, one of Leon's friends. I think it's safe to assume that you didn't fare too well on that exam, did you, David? (David shakes his head dejectedly) Narrator: I thought so. You see kids, David's performance in school has been steadily slipping. His grades have dropped, he's become moody and easily agitated, and he's all but shut his friends and family out of his life. Do you know why he's behaving so oddly? (the camera goes for a close-up on Leon, who raises his hands in an "I don't know" fashion and gives a similar facial expression. As he lowers his arms, a loud "CRUNCH" is heard. Leon silently howls in pain and lifts up his right hand, revealing that his index finger has been torn off. The camera pans over to David, who is sheepishly chewing on Leon's finger. He looks embarassed as the camera catches him in the act.) Narrator: That's right, boys and girls. David has been practicing cannibalism. (David hangs his head in shame as Leon silently tisk-tisks him. The scene then changes to a football field, where David is clad in full uniform.) Narrator: In today's society, along with the threat of an attack by the Reds, marajuana and rock and roll, the youth of America are at great risk due to the dangers cannibalism poses. Studies have proven that teenagers who feed off of their fellow man at least once a week suffer from diminished physical and mental capabilities, a sullen disposition, and low self-esteem. The dark impact of this epidemic is evident in everything these poor souls attempt in their daily lives. (As the Narrator speaks, David is seen rushing down the field, his hands outstretched to catch a ball coming towards him. As it gets close, he clumsily trips and falls face-down in the turf. The ball lands past him, and he lifts up his head to show a look of upset on his face.) Narrator: Oh, too bad, David. That fumble just cost your team the big game. You would have had that if you were more focused on pig skin than you were on "Pete's skin." (The scene shifts back to the inside of the school. Angie, a teenage girl in a poodle skirt and a backpack swung over her shoulder, stands by a locker with an anxious look on her face. She is clearly waiting for something, or more specifically, someone.) Narrator: But the effects aren't limited to young men alone. Take a look at poor Angie here, waiting in anticipation for that special guy she'll ask to the Sadie Hawkins' dance. Oh, here he comes now. (Brian, a well-dressed, handsome teen, walks into the scene. Angie stands in his path and coyly waves hello to him. They smile and talk for a little bit, then Angie puts her backpack down, opens it and pulls out a human foot. She begins to chew on the heel, which disgusts Brian. He groans and walks away, leaving Angie sadly gnawing on her "meal".) Narrator: Sorry Angie, boys don't make passes at girls who feed on human flesh. Your sick, sinful habit has just cost you the opportunity to have hot underage sex in the locker room. (Brian walks back past Angie with another teenage girl, Veronica, around his arm. They are both laughing, and they stop briefly as Brian pulls a pack of condoms out of his pocket. Veronica smiles wildly and they rush off. Angie looks deeply upset at her lost opportunity) Narrator: Looks like Brian prefers a fine girl like Veronica, who knows that if she wants to catch a fine man, eating the flesh and meat of others is a serious turn off. As for Angie, she is yet another tragic example of how cannibalism ruins young lives. (Angie looks at the camera with a "Debbie Downer" expression) Narrator: Not only is cannibalism detrimental to one's social status and academic prowess, it's unpatriotic. Remember, only Communists practice cannibalism! (Cut to a quick clip of a man dressed as former Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin, sitting at a dinner table with a severed human head on the plate before him. He holds a knife and fork in his hands, licks his lips hungrily and silently laughs an evil laugh.) (The movie then cuts to a prison cell setting, where three rough convicts are presented. The African American prisoner sits on his cot curling a weight bar, the white prisoner stands in the middle of the group smoking a cigarette, and the Hispanic prisoner is carving a shiv out of a toothbrush. They are all dressed in prison fatigues and have menacing looks on their faces.) Narrator: In addition, cannibalism is against the law in forty-five of these United States. If you don't happen to live in one of these god-forsaken regions, trying to take a bite out of the class valedictorian will land you in a place like this, where you'll be fresh meat for some of the sickest deviants to ever be isolated from society. And don't think that you'll be able to make a meal out of them. Criminal scum such as these knock the teeth out of newcomers so they can't bite down on anything, and you probably have a good idea what "anything" is. (The convicts grin with perverted smiles, acknowledging what they'll be putting in the mouths of the newcomers.) (The movie then returns to the high school setting. Brian and Veronica are walking down the hallway, their clothes messed up and their hair a mess. They both have wide grins on their faces, indicating that they've done the deed. They pass by a teenager in a thick coat with a sinister look on his face. He beckons to the two and they walk over to him. He opens up his coat and reveals that there are various limbs and organs hanging from the lining. The pusher smiles as he tries to make a "sale", much like he was attempting to sell drugs to the two.) Narrator: So remember, boys and girls: the next time you're approached by some uncouth youth trying to lure you into the world of consumption of human flesh, just say no. (Brian and Veronica look at the limbs, wave off the pusher defiantly and walk away. Brian pulls another pack of condoms out of his pocket and Veronica smiles wildly. The two run off-screen to go at it again, leaving a shocked pusher behind them.) Narrator: Your future is bound to be bright as long as you remember that cannibalism isn't cool. (The pusher closes his coat and begins to walk away. As he leaves, he is rushed by David and Angie, the cannibalistic teens from earlier in the movie, and knocked to the ground. The sounds of human screams, breaking bones and chewing growls can be heard. Blood splatters up onto the screen as the words "THE END" appear on the screen.) (fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
