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Guard...Finesse Mitchell Joshua...Ewan McGregor Emily...Amy Poehler Nunzio...Seth Meyers Scarface...Horatio Sanz Q-Ball...Kenan Thompson Warden...Chris Parnell Jada Jones...Maya Rudolph Parole Officer...Fred Armisen (Guard lets convict Joshua into the room, where the phones are in jail and plate-glass window to talk to relatives) Guard: Come on now, here’s your pretty little girl. You got 5 minutes. (Joshua sits down and smiles at his wife on the other side of the glass) Joshua: Oh, honey, it’s so great to see you. I miss you so much. Emily: Oh, me too. I love you so much. I’ve been waiting to talk to you for so long. This place is so scary, and the walls smell like urine. Joshua: Ah, it’s not so bad. I truly thought it would be a lot worse. Emily: When are you getting out, babe, I really miss you. I really, really miss you. Joshua: Emily, you know that I’m going to be here for a long, long time. I have to meet with the parole board in a couple of weeks, and if I don’t pass, it will likely be five more years. Emily: Oh, I couldn’t stand something like that. Joshua: Please, this place is a resort. They let us exercise, read, watch TV…it’s practically a five-star hotel. (Sees prisoner (extra) drooling in the corner on the other side of the window) Emily: I seriously doubt that. Josh, I don’t think I can handle five more years without you. Joshua: Don’t worry about it. I’ve been very helpful around here. (Joshua winks) Emily: Huh? (Convicts come in and catcall and hoot and howl) Joshua: Hey, what’s up, guys? Emily: Josh, this is uncomfortable for me. Joshua: Actually, I don’t think they’re hollering at you. Nunzio: Hey, hey, hey! Look at who we have here. The one and only...the champion! Right here! Scarface: The king of it all. Joshua: Nunzio, Scarface, Q-Ball. This is my wife, Emily. Q-Ball: Wife? You have a wife? Funny, you wouldn’t think that…maybe something (shifts his shirt collar) a little different. Emily: What do you mean by that? Scarface: Oh...nothing. (All inmates laugh, including Joshua) Joshua: Oh, these guys are cut-ups, aren’t they? Nunzio: Josh, you remember that you have to work on me tonight, right? Joshua: Oh, I remember. Nunzio: And could you brush your teeth this time? It just feels like an oven, that’s all. Emily: Brush your teeth? Scarface: Mrs. Joshua, this guy is the pro of pros. He can make you squirm and smile in a matter of minutes. Joshua: These guys, huh? All right, I’ll brush my teeth. Anything else? Q-Ball: Well... Joshua: Well, what? Q-Ball: Could you not use your teeth so much? I mean, if it’s just as easy not using them, it would really be more comfortable. (Cut to Emily seriously confused and not knowing what’s going on) Joshua: You got it, guys. (Inmates leave and high-five each other) Emily: What the hell was that? Joshua: It’s kind of an in-prison type of thing. I don’t think you would understand. Emily: What was all that talk about using the mouth and everything? I mean, I’m just worried. What exactly are they referring to? Joshua: Let’s not talk about it. Let’s talk about ourselves. How have you been doing for money? Emily: Oh, it’s been rough. I can barely pay for the loans on the house and car. (Starts to cry) Joshua: Oh, honey, don’t worry. Guard! (Guard comes over) Guard: Yes? Joshua: Can I get a down payment on the next servicing? Guard: Well, I...um...uh.... Joshua: I don’t have to do it, you know. Guard: (thinks it over and gradually accepts) Okay, okay. But I better be getting the true stuff. And no holding back! None whatsoever! Joshua: You got it. (Guard leaves and Joshua slides 5 grand into the drop box) Here’s 5 thousand bucks. That should cover some loose ends. Emily: My goodness. You’re selling drugs. I knew it, I knew it. You’re going to get in more trouble... Joshua: No, no drugs. It’s much more complicated than that! Emily: Oh.... Joshua: Actually, it’s not very complicated. I’m very surprised you haven’t found out yet. Emily: Oh.... Joshua: Are you all right, Em? Emily: Yes, I’m just so tired. (Warden enters room and confronts Joshua) Warden: (elated) Joshua, how are you? Joshua: Doin' fine, warden? How are things? Warden: Can’t complain. As long as you’re around, huh? Emily: Anyway, Joshua, the kids want to know where you are. Soon enough, they’ll be old enough to understand and I don’t know what I’m going to do. Warden: Speaking of kids, I disciplined the life out of this guy a couple of weeks ago. Wow, I apologize for any emasculating comments I made that would have hurt your feelings. It just comes out in the heat of.... Emily: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you talking about? Josh, what is he saying? Warden: Look, I’ll get back to you later. I also apologize for giving your knees such severe rug burns. My bad. Joshua: Don’t worry about it. (Warden leaves) Emily: This is all very confusing. Guard: Hey Joshua, you got a phone call from the women’s prison! Joshua: Thanks. Patch it through the phone line here. (Split Screen) Jada Jones: Hey Joshua! When you coming back over to the ladies prison! These prisoners might be dykes, but they can’t go down for nothing! Joshua: Hi Jada! I’ll be over there this weekend. Tell the girls to brush their teeth real good, too! Jada Jones: I’ll do dat! You stay sweet, Joshua! (End Split Screen) Emily: Who was that? Joshua: That was no one. Just a friend from the women’s prison. Emily: This is all very confusing. Joshua: (dumbfounded) Really?! I thought you would have caught on by now. In a way, I’m sort of relieved that you don’t know. I have to take off now, I have to go meet the parole officer. Emily: I thought you said you were meeting him in a couple of weeks. Joshua: Yes, for my parole hearing. (Parole officer puts his head through the door) Parole Officer: Sorry to bother you but I really need ya, man. I’m getting withdrawals over here like I’m on DTs. Joshua: I’m coming! I’m coming! Parole Officer: I got those kneepads for you that you asked for. Joshua: (frustrated) Yeah, yeah. (Parole officer exits) Emily: I.... Joshua: Let’s just say that the parole board may agree to cut me loose from this joint. I got to go, honey, tell the kids I love them. Emily: I will, I love you. I love you so much, Josh. (Both touch the glass and are about to exit; suddenly the three inmates come in) Q-Ball: Hey Josh, are you ready? Joshua: Hey, I don’t have to go near you till later tonight. Scarface: Oh, no, not that. It’s time for your daily anal gang rape. Joshua: Oh, God, no. Not that. Anything but that. Emily, go contact the guards. Emily: Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. (Inmates start pushing Joshua around, and Emily exits) Joshua: Guys! Guys! Come on! I can only “filate” so much. Even Jenna Jameson has her limits! (Inmates laugh; fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
