|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mr. Bundy...Fred Armisen Mr. Harper...Chris Parnell Mrs. Harper...Maya Rudolph Stanley...Rob Riggle Karen...Amy Poehler Willis...Will Forte Stephen...Horatio Sanz Julia...Rachel Dratch Peter...Seth Meyers Greg...Jason Sudeikis (takes place after a eulogy and family and friends are up from chairs hugging and talking before they go to see the matriarch of the Harper Family) Mr. Bundy: Well, Mr. & Mrs. Harper, I hope everything went well. The toughest part is pretty much over. Now, you can greet your dear departed mother. Mr. Harper: Mr. Bundy, thank you. It was a simply wonderful eulogy. We can’t thank you enough. Mrs. Harper: I was wondering who that man is over there. (cut to large man standing next to casket as if a bouncer of some sort) Mr. Bundy: Oh, that’s my brother Stanley. He runs the funeral home with me. Mr. Harper: What’s he doing standing over there? Mr. Bundy: You’ll see. (family members line up to say last goodbyes to matriarch) Karen: Momma, I can’t believe you’re gone. It’s me, Karen. I just can’t believe it. It’s not possible. Stanley: It’s okay. Let it out. Let it all out. Breathe. Karen: I know. I know. It’s just....I loved her so much (sobs) Stanley: Come on, come on. There, it’s alright. Just let it all out. I’m here for you. Karen: You are a wonderful man. Stanley: It’s my job. It’s alright. Nothing wrong with crying at a funeral. (exits, next approaches) Willis: Mom, oh mom, it’s Willis. Why did you die? It’s just, you were so healthy. Stanley: It’s okay to cry, you know. Willis: Back off. I’m trying to talk to my mother here. Stanley: Just cry and you’ll feel better. It’s okay to cry. Willis: Just shut up. Shut up. Stanley: It’s okay to be angry; just let it out. Come on. Willis: Shut up. (shoves Stanley and then punches him in the face; Stanley shows no pain or reaction) Stanley: It’s okay. Willis: Oh my God. I’m so sorry. I just....I mean...I.... Stanley: I’m here to take all of your pain. Grief is necessary at our funeral. Now, just cry on my shoulder. Willis: I....I...(sobs heavily)....Oh God, why did she die? (falls into Stanley’s arms) Why? Why? Why? Stanley: There, there. It’s fine. You’re doing fine. Cry on my shirt. Willis: You are a loving and caring man. Thank you so much. Stanley: That’s what I’m here for. (leaves, family of five enters) Stephen: Hello, there. Stanley: Hello. How are you holding up? Stephen: Okay. It was my wife’s mother. Julia: Mom, it’s me Julia. I’m here with Stephen and the kids. Oh, mom, I love you so much. I love you. Stanley: Uh-huh. Let it out. Come on now. Tears are what we like to see here. (kids start bawling and leap on top of Stanley, one on his back one on his side, and the third one on his leg) Stephen: Hey, kids get off. Stanley: Lots of people are angry at funerals. They need to let any and every emotion they can. Stephen: But, they’re biting you. Stanley: It’s part of the job. I’m here for you. Julia: Oh, Mom. (bawls and kicks Stanley in the ground, no reaction) Stanley: Uh-huh. Give me what you’ve got. Julia: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! (Julia grabs a chair and breaks it over his face, while the kids continue to pounce on him) Stanley: Nothing wrong with anger. Let it just ooze out of your body. Julia: Oh my God. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Stephen: You are truly a wonderful man. I salute you. (family exits, and still Stanley shows no emotion or physical pain; next person approaches) Peter: Peter, here. Mom, I know we got in an argument before I left to go to California. I know you hated me boxing, but it was the only thing I could do very well. I’ll never forgive myself for yelling at you. Never. Stanley: Now, everything’s alright. She loved you. Peter: Oh, no. I killed her!!!! I killed her!!! (begins crying) Stanley: No, you didn’t. She loved you and she didn’t want to see you get hurt. Peter: No! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! (Peter punches Stanley right in the face) Peter: Oh, geez. Oh, no. What have I done? Stanley: It’s quite alright. It comes with the territory. Peter: It felt good. Oh, Mom. I failed you. I’m a nobody. Stanley: That’s not true and you know it. Peter: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! (Peter punches Stanley approximately twenty times in the face, still no reaction from the big man) Stanley: Now, do you feel better? Peter: Oh, yes. Very much. I can never repay you. Thanks so much. (exits, next family member enters in baseball uniform and with mitt and bat) Greg: Mom, it’s me, Greg. I’m wearing that baseball uniform that I wore the day you died. It won’t be the same without you. (begins to leave) Stanley: Wait, what are you doing? Greg: I’m going to talk to my family, what.... Stanley: You have to let out your anger. Your mother is dead. Let it out. Greg: I did. I guess I’m just not the crying type. Stanley: Did she like you playing baseball? Greg: She loved baseball. Stanley: Did she yell at you before she died? Greg: Nope. I kissed her goodbye before I went to school and told her I loved her. (Stanley obviously frustrated) Stanley: Have you failed her in any way? Greg: Nope. Stanley: Bad grades? Greg: No, sir. Stanley: Never cleaned your room? Greg: Always spotless. (Stanley thinking of something) Stanley: Ah! What did you get her for her birthday? Greg: I didn’t get her anything. I....uh...I had my brother get it....um... Stanley: It’s alright. She didn’t know. Greg: I’m....I’m so ashamed. I....I.... (takes baseball bat and begins cracking him over the head with it, over and over) Stanley: Just let it out. Give me all your pain. (still no pain of any kind) (later that night, just Stanley and his brother) Mr. Bundy: Wooo. What a day. It’s sad to see that big of a family lose a precious member of the clan. (cut to Stanley who stills shows no pain, but face is covered in stitches, blood, cuts, scratches; ribs are taped up and leg has a cast on it; shirt and pants are torn) Stanley: Yeah, who knew that the woman had twelve siblings, ten kids, and three dozen grandchildren. Mr. Bundy: How are you holding up, bro? Stanley: Well, it got a little tough after meeting with the weightlifter brother, and then the kickboxer daughter, and then her adopted child from Japan who always carried his throwing stars; but all in all, a fine day. Mr. Bundy: I love ya, buddy. (two walk away and fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
