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Jon Heder.....Seth Meyers Ari Gold.....Jeremy Piven (special guest) Goldman Mitchell.....Finesse Mitchell (Jon Heder sits in an empty conference room, talking on his cell phone) Jon Heder: Yeah, I’m about to meet with my new agent. I heard he did wonders for Dustin Diamond’s career! Yeah, he got him in David Spade’s Dickie Roberts film. I gotta go. He’s coming in! I’ll talk to you soon! (Enter Ari Gold) Ari Gold: NAPOLEAN FUCKIN’ DYNAMITE! How are you! You feeling good! I would! You’ve got millions of teenage girls screaming your name! What R. Kelly wouldn’t do for that kind of attention! Hell, any celebrity would want it! I mean DVD sales are higher than a roadie at a PHISH concert! Seriously, Napoleon, we need to capitalize on this fame while we still can! So you know what I’m gonna say… Jon Heder: (to himself) Please don’t say sequel. Ari Gold: SEQUEL! SEQUEL, BITCH! We’ve got a lot of offers on the floor for sequels! We’ve got "Napoleon Dynamite II: Still Explosive"! Great script! Great cast! They already signed that "Pedro" dude down to reprise his role. We just need your go ahead! Jon Heder: Ari, I respect your hard work and your enthusiasm towards me doing a sequel, but I just think it’s the right time to do something much more broader. Ari Gold: Hey, NAPOLEON! I’m the one who does the thinking around here! You do the acting. You do your job, I’ll do mine! If you can’t understand that, that’s fine! I could be at Spa-Go right now, getting a hand job from Rachel McAdams, but I’m not! I’m right here! Because I care about your career! But fine, if you don’t like the "Napoleon Dynamite II" idea, then fine! Listen up! Here’s what else we’ve got on the table! We have a RED BULL commercial! Napoleon, you’re about to do that scene where you dance like a freak on the stage, in front of the school assembly. You drink a RED BULL, the crowd goes nuts! They’re offering you a 7-figure salary to become in the national spokesmen for RED BULL! Everyone drinks RED BULL! Fuck, even my grandmother drinks RED BULL and she’s 90 fuckin’ years old! Jon Heder: Do you have to say fuck so much? I’m a Mormon, Napoleon Dynamite was a Mormon, the director was Mormon! They say Napoleon Dynamite is the best thing about Mormons since the Utah Jazz! So could you cut it out with the “F” bombs! Ari Gold: You know what, you talk way too much! You need to come off as the “geeky nobody” that is Napoleon Fuckin’ Dynamite! As far as this Mormon thing goes, let’s keep it under wraps! Let’s say you’re Lutheran for the time being! Jon Heder: Ari, I just don’t see that working for me. And why do I have to keep doing Napoleon Dynamite! I’d like to move away from this character! I have many independent films I’m working on! Ari Gold: I’m only going to say this once. Hollywood was not built on great acting or great films or great scripts…Hollywood was built on one thing – Commercialization! How do you feel about merchandizing? Jon Heder: Why am I still listening to you? (Ari Gold pulls out a pair of underwear with Napoleon’s image on it) Ari Gold: Just hear me out on this! "Napoleon Dynamite" brand underwear! Jon Heder: Ari, I’m leaving now! (Ari Gold pulls out a fist full of random merchandise) Ari Gold: I’m talking about toys, condoms and bong pipes! We can have Tater-tot shaped Bong pipes! Jon Heder: I’m really not comfortable with marketing my own line of bong pipes. Ari Gold: Ok, but how do you feel about having your very own cereal?! Every major character got their own cereal! I mean if it was good enough for Mr. T, it’s good enough for you! C’mon Napoleon, this can really work! Don’t you wanna be the next Steve Urkel! (Jon Heder gets a look of horror on his face) Jon Heder: No, no, I’m not! I’m not going to become Urkel! I can’t be! I just can’t! Ari Gold: Oh, the facts are pointing right at it! And here to explain this is Mr. Goldman Mitchell! (Goldman Mitchell walks through the door and sits with Jon) Goldman Mitchell: I’m Goldman Mitchell, leading specialist on Steve Urkel! Jon Heder: So you go around and talk about that has-been nerd from the 90's! You don’t seem to be the TV nerd type! You look more like someone that would kick my ass! Goldman Mitchell: I dabble in other African American stars like Eddie Griffin, Malcolm-Jamal Warner and that guy from the 7 Up Commercials. Ari Gold: Know anything about Morgan Freeman? I’m trying to get him as my client. Goldman Mitchell: That man couldn’t do anything the least bit helpful to the black community! All he plays is just a janitor or the advice giver to the white man! He needs to put himself out in the open! Jon Heder: (in a sarcastic tone) That’s great to know! Goldman Mitchell: Now, the facts are clear Ari, Napoleon Dynamite is clearly related to Mr. Steve Urkel! He’s got a catch phrase, he’s the lovable geek, he’s got the dance and he’s urban! I mean I don’t know any other white man that could pull off an Afro like that! I mean he’s a hot commodity! Ari Gold: Exactly, you can become him. I mean everybody would want to be that kind of man, to be loved and hated by 1 billion people! Jon Heder: I know money can be made, but I don’t want to become the next Steve Urkel! Goldman Mitchell: Mr. Heder, I don’t think you have a choice here, with a large fan-base, you’ve already become the next Steve Urkel. The last step is missing, the crossover appearances! I’m talking about eating, sleeping, breathing in that Napoleon Dynamite costume! I mean Paul Reubens gave up his identity and became Pee Wee! We need to erase Jon Heder completely. I’m thinking a nice rumor about him being dead will clear the problem. Ari Gold: I’d skip the rumor about him being dead... Jon Heder: Look you guys, I’m flattered, and I didn’t realize the fan-base is so freakin' awesome for Napoleon Dynamite! Ari Gold: Oh yeah, college campuses across the country are embracing this guy! Look-alike and dance contests, their own sequels. Flash-in-the-pan! Selling out! You’re Napoleon Fuckin’ Dynamite, for crying out loud! Goldman Mitchell: Mr. Gold, please. No “F” bombs! I’m a Mormon. Jon Heder: Really! Goldman Mitchell: Yes, really! Jon Heder: Well! I’ve found an all-new respect for Steve Urkel and Urkel enthusiasts! But Ari, Mr. Goldman, this all seems well and good. But I really don’t want to capitalize all on all of this. Called me old fashioned but I... Ari Gold: I won’t call you old fashioned, I’ll call you a narrow-minded lunatic. A Grade-A 100% Mormon skid mark! Jon Heder: Hey man, don’t bring the Mormon religion into this! Ari Gold: Oh, but I must! The church of Mormon is always used as a scapegoat! It’s a known rule. Goldman Mitchell: I blame the Mormon Church for all my problems like my low income, my minuscule social life! Jon Heder: But I thought you said you were Mormon, like me! Goldman Mitchell: I did. The Mormon Church isn’t perfect. It has its advantages…it has its disadvantages, too. But come on, have you ever heard of a Mormon who likes Steve Urkel? Jon Heder: Yes…me! (Mimics Steve Urkel) Did I do that? Goldman Mitchell: Ari, Napoleon, are we done here? I want to hit the strip clubs and go look for my next 16 wives. Jon Heder: Goldman, you really are a Mormon! I’m with you, Goldman! Ari, call me when you have pulled your head out of your ass! Ari Gold: Napoleon wait... (Jon stops) At least let us sell the official Napoleon Dynamite action figure, with quote spewing action! (Jon Heder and Goldman Mitchell leave the office. Ari, in silence, begins to play with the "Napoleon Dynamite" action figure, pulls the string, which activates the voiced messages) ND Action Figure: Ouch! Why did you pull my flippin' string? That hurt! Gosh! Tater tots rule!! (Ari pulls out an old “Urkel” action figure and grabs the Napoleon Dynamite doll. Camera cuts to a close-up of the 2 dolls as he makes them make out) (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
