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.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler Yahoo Serious.....Ewan McGregor Roger Ebert.....Fred Armisen .....Ewan McGregor Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. Iraqi lawmakers are racing to finalize a draft for the country's first constitution after missing their original deadline this week. In an effort to help, the U.S. Government has offered to give Iraq amendments from our own constitution, such as those that promise freedom of speech, protection from illegal search and seizure, and fair legal process for all people, since they are now useless here in America following the renewal of the Patriot Act. Israel launched its removal of settlements from the Gaza Strip, a move that many hope will serve as the foundation for the development of a Palestinian state. Following the withdrawal, Palestinian groups said that they would show their appreciation by killing one less Israeli this week than they had originally planned to. Some Israelis living in Gaza protested the withdrawl by setting their houses on fire in a show of defiance. And, not missing a beat, realtors in the region immediately tried to sell the new Palestinian settlers on how the blazes would drastically cut down on heating bills in their new homes. Amy Poehler: Dennis Rader, the BTK killer, arrived at Wichita maximum security prison yesterday to begin his life sentence. Before entering, Rader was quoted as saying, "You wouldn't rape a man with glasses, would ya?" An investigation into the practices of a New Jersey restaurant is under way after it was revealed that a couple dining there was referred to as a "Jew Couple" on their check. In his defense, the owner of the restaurant stated that it was intended as a method of identifying diners, and that it was most likely an error in judgement on the part of the spic bartender. Tina Fey: In Washington, the Federal Motor Carrier Society Administration ruled that truckers could drive a total of 11 hours straight without any rest. This dismayed safety advocates as well as truckers, for the simple idea that it is unsafe and could be deadly, blaming it on the Bush administration. A Bush spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We've made so many mistakes in this administration, what's one more little, tiny one, huh? Come on." The New York Health Department announced Thursday that more than 700 people have been stricken with gastrointestinal illness after visiting Seneca Lake Park's Sprayground, where water jets shoot up from a hardtop surface. Park officials first suspected the water might be contaminated when the water jets complained of a burning sensation whenever they sprayed. Recent studies on violence and video games have supported the conclusion that violent video games can increase aggressive behavior in children and adolescents, especially boys. To further support their theory, researchers swapped the violent games for more family-friendly fare, and were immediately killed by gamers. Amy Poehler: In Paris, a low-cost publishing company has set up vending machines around the city as a means of selling 25 of its best-selling titles, any time day or night. It's an intriguing idea, but you know it won't be long before someone's book gets stuck and they start rocking the machine back and forth to free their book loose. After making numerous complaints to her cable company for poor service, a Chicago woman received a bill in the mail addressed to "Bitch Dog." In a similar incident, a Peoples Energy customer received his mail addressed to "Jeffery 'Scrotum Bag' Barnes." Still, it beats being nicknamed "Pinto" just because you've got a spotted dick. Tina Fey: Scientists in Switzerland have succeeded in breaking the cosmic speed limit by getting light to travel faster than light. Other fancy tricks they've perfected include slowing light down, and stopping it all together. When questioned about their research, the scientists admitted they were just looking for a way to keep busy ever since masturbation began to feel old-hat. Congressman Walter Jones, said Thursday, he has about 50 co-sponsors on a joint resolution that calls on President Bush to announce by year's end a plan for withdrawal from Iraq. That’s great Walter, but I’m getting this funny feeling when you start your car tonight, it’s going to blow up. It’s just a feeling. Amy Poehler: Officials in Washington said this week, that even after a summer of soaring gasoline costs; people should not expect cooler weather in autumn to end their energy woes. Prices at the gas pump probably will stay high and record heating bills in the winter are almost certain to follow. Read more in this month’s issue of “No Shit, Sherlock!” magazine. A Texas jury found pharmaceutical company Merck liable for the death of amn who took the painkiller Vioxx. His widow was awarded $253.4 million in damages. Let's hope I get the same amount in my case against Viagra, because honey, I'm a damaged woman. Tina Fey: Wow, Merck & Co.! That’s a lot of money you have to pay that widow. I bet it hurt when you heard the verdict. Well, we here at “Weekend Update” are here to help. To get rid of that pain, we suggest Vioxx. Vioxx is maybe the best painkiller, now off the market. And hey, look at it this way: You’ve got a lot of Vioxx that no one is using. Take a fistful and don’t wake up. We are "Weekend Update" and we are trying to help. And now here with a personal commentary is Australian writer, director, actor and full-case nut job, Yahoo Serious! Yahoo Serious: Thank you. I’m here to talk about one thing. (Long pause) Tina Fey: What are you here to talk about, Yahoo? Yahoo Serious: (very serious) Ms. Fey, please…I’m adding dramatic pause…for affect. Please. (Long pause) I’m here to talk about my name. I am officially trademarking my name. So next time, you make a joke about me, you will have to pay me $1 million to say my name just once in the joke. Tina Fey: Are you serious? People haven’t made fun of you in years. Yahoo Serious: Ms. Fey, that is a lie! You are making fun of me by me being here. Tina Fey: Hey, dude, you were the one asked to come on the show. (Yahoo Serious does a long pause) Tina Fey: Are you serious? Yahoo Serious: Yes, Ms. Fey. Had you said Yahoo before Serious, and then you would owe me $1 Million. I am Yahoo Serious. Tina Fey: You’re a yahoo…I’ll give you that! Why are you trademarking your name now? Yahoo Serious: I tried to sue the people behind the Internet search engine “YAHOO”, back in 2000, but I was unsuccessful in my attempt. I need to trademark it now, while I am still thinking about it. (Long pause) Tina Fey: Yahoo, you do realize there is a lot that goes into trademarking a name? Yahoo Serious: Oh! Like what? Tina Fey: Well, a lot of things. Amy, pull up that form for trademarking a name. (Amy pulls a book that looks to be 3 phone books thick, from under the desk) Yahoo Serious: I thought trademarking would be much easier than this. Actually, to be honest, when I heard Paris Hilton was going to trademark “THAT’S HOT”, I thought that was a great idea. I think I’m going to go back to Australia and get fucked in the ass by a kangaroo. Good night. (Yahoo Serious leaves the Update stage) (Amy & Tina give each other a high 5) Amy Poehler: Sweet! I guess that means we can do “Yahoo Serious” jokes until the cows come home! Tina? Tina Fey: Australian nut job Yahoo Serious announced this week that he is leaving his wife of 16 years and is planning on getting fucked in the ass by a kangaroo for the rest of his pathetic life! (Amy & Tina give each other a high 5) Tina Fey: An explosion from a utility chamber set a clothing store on fire yesterday in San Francisco's shopping center. Male witnesses stated that the fire did the clothes a favor. Also, the owner found it horribly ironic that an injured customer was flaming. In Eugene, Oregon, the Ferret Olympics is now called the Ferret Agility Trials because the U.S. Olympic Committee has threatened to bring them to trial. On an interesting note, this country has gone insane. Amy Poehler: In Scotland Tuesday, hundreds of surprised tourists were fooled into thinking they saw the legendary Loch Ness monster. It turned out to be a TV prank that duped every one of them. I bet I know what they did after their prank: drink! A Siberian tiger in Mound Valley, Kansas attacked and killed a girl who was posing for a picture at an animal sanctuary. During this horrific accident, signs will now read: "DO NOT FEED ANIMALS. ALSO, DO NOT TOUCH, AGGRAVATE, OR STICK ANY TYPE OF BODY PART INTO THE MOUTH OF THESE ANIMALS." Tina Fey: On Demand Network has obtained rights to air the video version of the Howard Stern show in January. As you know, On Demand is a network that provides programming for a monthly fee. Only in America is the free gift of seeing a hairy midget bounce a ham off a woman’s "ba-donka-donk" taken away from us! According to the Center for Disease Control, there are 9 million kids ages 9-16 that are overweight in the US. And 5 million of those children have mothers who still tell them they’re big-boned and it’s nothing to worry about. Amy Poehler: Courtney Love admitted to courts on Friday that she has been using drugs, thus violating her parole. Courtney stated for the courts: "I knew I hit rock bottom when DENNIS RODMAN told me I had problems!" Tina Fey: The Disney Factories in China have been deemed too dangerous for employees. There have been numerous machine accidents that left people with maimed limbs. Hmm... at least these people are paid to get hurt. While we have to pay money to get hurt (cut to picture of tourists at Space Mountain) Ben Affleck announced this week that he is leaving his wife Jennifer Garner, after he admitted to having an accidental affair with similar looking actress Rachel McAdams. Amy Poehler: Rapper Eminem cancelled the European leg of his “Anger Management 3” tour, because of exhaustion. Soon after this story was reported, Eminem reportedly checked into rehab for an addiction to sleeping pills. Exhaustion? Sleeping pills? Eminem, it’s not hard being you! All you do is gay bash and grab your crotch! You just dropped like 4 notches in my “do-able” book! In other music news, hip-hop star Kanye West called for an end to gay bashing by hip-hop and rap stars. Kanye said the reason for this is because he has fallen in love with a “magical man”. Kanye West and “The Cop from The Village People” will be celebrating their courtship this fall in San Francisco. Gay lovers, get a room! Tina Fey: The soap opera "Guiding Light" was cleared to resume taping Friday after the cleanup of a mercury-contaminated set, said officials. And in an ironic plot twist, Michelle is pregnant with the mercury’s baby! (Cue cheesy soap opera “startling moment” music) Amy Poehler: And now here with his review of “The Island” starring Scarlett Johansson and tonight’s host Ewan McGregor, movie reviewer from The Chicago Sun-Times, Roger Ebert! Roger Ebert: Thank you, Amy. You know, when I went to see this film, I had really bad gas from this meatloaf concoction my wife came up with. So maybe I wasn’t the right audience for this film, but I enjoyed the film, nonetheless. Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson are wonderful in this well-written, well-directed futuristic adventure! Despite the lack of promotion, this is a film that should not be missed by any summer moviegoer! This is Roger Ebert saying “thumbs up”! (Ewan McGregor walks up and hands Ebert a check for $50,000) Good doing business with you, Mr. McGregor. Good luck with the rest of the show! (Roger Ebert & Ewan McGregor exit the Update stage) Amy Poehler: A paid-off review of “The Island” by Roger Ebert! Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Together: Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
