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The Narrator…Chris Parnell The Director…Steve Carell The Actress…Amy Poehler The Delivery Boy…Fred Armisen (Fade in) (A dark dressed man, The Narrator, stands in the spotlight in the middle of the stage) The Narrator: Good evening! In the beginning, there was the caveman. He eventually evolved into the star of “Home Improvement”, Tim Allen. (Mimics Tim Allen’s grunt) But, there was also the cavewoman. She, too, eventually evolved into a TV star, known as “domestic goddess”. Roseanne Barr, Roseanne Arnold, or whatever the hell she wants to be called this week. (Mimics Roseanne – nasally and annoying) Oh! Knock it off! The point I’m trying to make is that television stars come and go…but they must come from somewhere! Where do they come from? My theory: They come from Norman Lear’s stool! Norman Lear. Tonight, we follow a television actress, who is now off TV, and is breaking into films. Tonight’s presentation will follow her, as she is about to read for a role where she plays a television actress breaking into film. It’s a play within a play! We open on in the apartment of the writer/director of the upcoming film “The Actress”. And away…we go. (The Narrator leaves the stage; The Director sits at his laptop computer, entering a blog journal entry to his fans) The Director: (Reading out loud as he’s typing) Well, ladies and gentlemen, she’s coming to read for the lead role in my upcoming feature film, “The Actress”. I am so very excited and happy! I hope she’s over her now famous breakup! Gotta go! Write soon! (As The Director is closing his laptop, The Actress enters) The Actress: Hello? Hi! The Director: Oh hello! Come on in! Have a seat! (The Director & The Actress shake hands and sit at the table at mid-stage) The Actress: Let me just say, I’m honored to know you wanted me to read for this film! I loved your last film with Scarlett Johansson and Kevin Costner! Wonderful film! The Director: Well, thank you. Tell me, do you think it’s hard for an actress of your caliber to go from television to film? The Actress: No. I don’t think so. I mean, I have done films before. Heck, I’ve done “SEX” on the big screen. The Director: (devilishly) Yeah, I know! Boy, do I know! (Attempts to stay on track) Umm, before you read for me, I want to ask you a few more questions. Tell me if you believe in what I’m about to say…(Stands up and sings the theme song from “Cheers” in a Broadway style) Making your way in the world today takes everything you got! Takin’ a break from all your worries sure would help a lot! Wouldn’t you like to get away? (Iminates the piano pause with crazy noises) Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name, and there always glad you came! You wanna go where people know troubles are all the same…you wanna go where everybody knows your name! (As The Director ends his Broadway style version of the “Cheers” theme, he returns to his seat) The Actress: I get it! That’s the “Cheers” song. That wasn’t my show. My show’s song went… (The Actress is cut off by the entry of The Delivery Boy; The Delivery Boy is much like Tony Danza, loud, annoying, greasy Italian) The Delivery Boy: Hey! Hey! Hey! How you doin’? I got delivery for you! Your Chinese food! The Director: (To The Delivery Boy) Hey, come on in! (To Actress) Are you hungry? (The Director rummages thru the delivery bag) The Delivery Boy: Yeah! How you doin’? That’ll be $13.50! Hey! How you doin’? Hey, I know you! I was just “Mad About” your show! The Actress: That wasn’t my show. You’re thinking of “Mad About You”. The Delivery Boy: What? Mad about you? Ahh, forget a ‘bout it! Hey, let me ask you a question… The Actress: (In a bitchy tone) No! We weren’t really friends! We were just acting! The Delivery: Ahh, forget a ‘bout it! I just want to say I loved you on “Sex & The City”! Tell me, is it true you girls “did” every guy in New York City? You know what I’m sayin’? The Actress: (Pissed off) GET THIS GUY OUT OF HERE! (The Director forcibly removes the Delivery Boy from the stage) The Director: Sorry about that! Where were we? The Actress: You were struggling to name the show I was on. I was on the NBC Thursday Night hit… The Director: SEINFELD! God, I loved “Kramer”! The Actress: No, dummy! I was on “Friends”! The Director: (confused) “Friends”? I don’t remember that show. The Actress: Are you serious?! (She gets up and starts singing the “Friends” theme song, dancing around the stage and mimicking parts of the opening credits) I’ll be there for you…when the rain starts to pour…I’ll be there for you…like you’ve been there before…I’ll be there for you…like your there for me, too! (Ends her song and dance, and sits down) The Director: (confused) Sorry. The Actress: Oh come on! Joey, Chandler, (pause) Ross and his gay monkey! Monica, Phoebe… The Director: And which one were you? The Actress: Rachel! In 1995, millions of 20-something girls got there hair cut just like my character on the show! The Director: I guess I must of missed that one. The Actress: Fine! (Gets up and starts walking away) Fine! If you are not furmilure with my work, then I don’t want to be in your film. (Turns away from The Director; starts crying) The Director: (Slowly starts clapping) Let me just say, that is some of the best acting I’ve ever seen! You’ve got the part!! (The Actress & The Director stand up and hug; The Actress is overwhelmed with excitement) Now, since you have the part, (very sleazy) what would you say to rehearsing the sex scene? (The Actress smacks the Director’s face; The Actress exits) Well, (devilishly) I know, at least, I have a “friend” in good ole INTERNET PORN! (The Director proceeds to unzips his pants and walk over to the computer like he is about to masturbate to “internet porn”) (The Narrator walks on back on stage and closes the play) The Narrator: (laughs) Wonderful! For those of you following along at home, if you’ve been living under a rock for the last, say, decade, The Actress' true identity was none other than the beautiful, wonderful and talented Ms. Jennifer Aniston. And Jennifer, if you’re watching this, call me! Serious! Thank you for watching, and remember, just because you get along with your “FRIENDS” co-stars, it doesn’t necessarly mean they are actually your friend in real life! Thank you and good night! (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
