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Anchor...Seth Meyers Officer Richard Crest...Steve Carell Attorney...Chris Parnell Judge...Maya Rudolph (anchor standing in front of normal CourtTV background) Anchor: Welcome back to CourtTV. We continue with our live coverage of police officer Richard Crest, standing trial for several shootings that took place March 2, 2005. We go there right now to the prosecutor’s cross-examination of Crest. (cut to scene of average CourtTV proceedings, with close-up of suspect Crest and only the voice of cross-examining prosecutor (whenever not a voice-over it will be mentioned)) Attorney: Please state your name for the jury. Richard Crest: Lieutenant Richard Crest of the N.Y.P.D. Attorney: Can you state for the jury what N.Y.P.D. means? Richard Crest: New York Police Department. Attorney: Do you know why you’re here, Mr. Crest? Richard Crest: Well, I believe it may be for my habits of taking physical violence on all comers, if you will. I feel that my performance as a cop is to protect the people. Attorney: Yes, let’s start with Mr. Harold T. Meyer of Queens. You stopped him for speeding. Richard Crest: That’s correct. He was going about 35 in a 20 mph zone. Attorney: Yes. But before you approached the car, you shot him. Why? Richard Crest: It appeared that the assailant was reaching for a gun. I may have been too quick with shooting him, but I felt it was the right decision. Attorney: First of all, Officer Crest, this man was no assailant of any kind. He was driving to the hospital in order to meet with his wife, who was giving birth. Second, the man was shifting from drive to park. What you actually thought was a firearm was just the gearshift. Richard Crest: Again, it was just a mistake. However, at the time, it seemed appropriate. Attorney: It should also be mentioned that you did this in front of an elementary school. Richard Crest: Once again, I had to protect the children from a gun-wielding perp. If that’s wrong, than I don’t want to be right. Attorney: The man is resting comfortably in the very hospital in which his wife gave birth, which he missed. Richard Crest: Well, I definitely apologize for that. People should be more careful in the way they... Attorney: In the way they park, or turn off their engine? Richard Crest: Yes, sure. Attorney: Let’s talk about Gregory Downey. Do you remember this fellow? Richard Crest: It sounds familiar. I tend to hear a lot about the word Downey. I’m a cop. Attorney: Mr. Gregory Downey was shot by you, Mr. Crest, after you watched him take something out of his pocket. Richard Crest: Yes, I shot him twice. Once in the hand, and another time in the leg. Good shooting if I do say so myself. Attorney: Well, we are all very impressed. However, as you later found out, the man was only taking out his wallet. Richard Crest: Let me explain something; when you are near a cop, you can not be jumping around grabbing for things in your pockets. As he found out later on, you can’t do that in front of a cop. Attorney: I would like to mention to the jury that Mr. Downey was ordering a coffee and taking out his wallet to pay for it. In fact, Officer Crest, you were behind him in line, and had absolutely no reason to shoot him. Richard Crest: Black wallet, black guns. Can I say anymore? Attorney: After the incident, the clerk at the coffee shop told police that you almost shot her when she gave you your coffee. Richard Crest: I thought it was a gun. Attorney: Does George Aubuchon ring a bell to you? Richard Crest: Not really, no. Did I shoot him? Attorney: Oh, you certainly did. He is a city worker who happened to be fixing a road near that very same elemantary school you shot Mr. Meyer. Richard Crest: Ah, Mr. Meyer. Yes, I remember George, he was wearing a hard hat. Attorney: Yes. Well, you shot him multiple times. Why did you do that? Richard Crest: Mr. District Attorney, I only shoot those who appear to have guns. You know that. Attorney: At the time you shot him, he was placing orange cones around the pothole in the road. You mean to tell me that you thought the man was placing guns all around the pothole. Richard Crest: Don’t be ridiculous. I said I only shoot people with guns in the sense that I only shoot people with weapons and such. Attorney: Aaahh.... Richard Crest: I thought they were explosives. Attorney: I see. Many of the children that were walking home from school that day were so traumatized that they had to miss school for weeks. What do you have to say for that? Richard Crest: Crisis averted. Attorney: You are one lucky man to have never killed anybody. Richard Crest: Looks like luck is on my side. Attorney: Unless you’re found guilty, which you will be. Richard Crest: I don’t see what negligence I have done. Attorney: Oh really? Let me show you something. (show attorney going to his papers and taking out a folder; officer stands up and points his gun at him) Richard Crest: Drop it. Attorney: Stop. Your Honor. Judge: Bailiff, take that gun away from this idiot. (bailiff takes gun and leaves) Attorney: I will continue. Here is a list, of many other happenings caused by Crest’s thoughtlessness: Mr. Richard Bennett was putting on his tie in a second-store window when a bullet grazed his ear. Mrs. Shirley Granger was watering her flowers when was shot in the foot. Mr. Curtis Danforth was scooping his dog’s waste on a jog when he was suddenly shot in the arm; his dog was also shot for looking like he had rabies. Father Timothy Young was taking his golf bag out of the rectory when....I really don’t have to go on. Richard Crest: I really don’t think I’ve had a chance to speak. Attorney: Go ahead. Richard Crest: (embarrassed, and thinking of something and points to attorney) That suit looks gay. Judge: We will have a five minute recess... (continues talking in background video behind the anchor) Anchor: We will return after this commercial break. (judge bangs gavel and Crest pulls out another gun and starts shooting into the courtroom; anchor is shocked) (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
