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Announcer…Darrell Hammond Jay – C…Chris Parnell P-do…Jason Sudeikis …Hilary Duff (special guest) (Fade in) Announcer: Coming up next here on SPIKE TV, it’s the farewell episode of “The Jay – C Show”. (SPIKE TV bumper) Announcer: And now it’s time for The Jay – C Show! Greasy Guy from “Pedophile Weekly” got his own show on SPIKE TV. And now, here is the poor man’s Carson Daly, Jay – C! (Enter Jay – C) Jay – C: Hey! What’s going on? Okay! I am Jay – C and this is “The Jay – C Show”. As some of you may or may not know, this is the last “Jay – C Show”. Well, this is our last show on SPIKE TV. We will be moving to The Showtime Network! We got a pretty great spot! We aren’t on the queer night! Thank god! It’s that right, P-do? P-do: That’s right, Jay – C! Jay – C: Ladies and gentlemen, my right hand man…well, maybe not my right hand man, maybe just “my sidekick”, P-do! P-do, you're coming with me to the Showtime Network? P-do: You bet your Olson Twin stalking ass! Jay – C: That’s what I’m talking about! P-do, tell the audience at home when they can catch us on Showtime! P-do: You got it! You can catch us on Saturday nights, in between “Penn & Teller: Bulls*it” and “Family Business”. Jay – C: Yeah! All right! I’m just glad we aren’t plugged between “Queer As Folk” and “The L Word”. I mean, I love lesbians just as much as the next guy, but trying to share a Sunday night with some “wild wild gay boys” and some “rug-munchers”. You know what I’m saying? P-do, why don’t you tell the audience about our guest for tonight’s show? P-do: You got it! Our guest is a beautiful and talent young actress, who is still a minor, Jay – C and I just absolutely LOVE staring at her beautiful cleavage, star of “The Perfect Man”, now out on DVD, Ms. Hilary Duff! (Enter Hilary Duff) (Jay – C greets Hilary mid-stage; hugs her, doesn’t let go of her) Jay – C: Oh Hilary! Hilary Duff: Get off me, creep! (Jay – C finally lets go of Hilary) Jay – C: Sorry. Hilary, thank you for being here! I love your breasts! Hilary Duff: Well, despite your short-comings… Jay – C: Short-comings? (Cut to a close up of Jay – C’s pants; with a possible semen stain) Oh…I see. Hilary Duff: Look, I’m here to do one thing, plug my movie “The Perfect Man”, which is out on DVD, this week. P-do: Hey Hilary, I watched an episode of “Lizzie McGuire” last night, with my pants around my ankles! I’m not kidding, either! I did! Hilary Duff: Eww! Jay – C: Nice, P-do! Hilary, would you like to show a clip from your movie? Hilary Duff: Yes, I would! In this scene, my character has just realized her mother has only loved one man in her life. So can you roll the clip? (Studio turns to dark) Jay – C: I love this scene! Oh god yes! P-do: Yes! Oh god! (As lights come up, we see Jay – C & P-do feeling each other up) Jay – C & P-do: NOO! Hilary Duff: Looks like I outsmarted you! I saw what you did to The Olson Twins last year. Lesson learned. I’m outta here! (Hilary Duff exits) P-do: Sorry… Jay – C: It’s okay. Any love is good love… P-do: So I took what I could get. Jay – C: Well, this was our last episode for a little while. We will be starting our new run of episodes on Showtime. Starting in October! P-do: Jay – C, do you want to leave them with a joke? Jay – C: Sure. You want me to tell the retainer one? You know a chick is too young, if she has to take her retainer out, so she can suck your cock. Good joke! That’s it for “The Jay – C Show” here on SPIKE TV. For P-do, Pedophile, good night! Announcer: This has been the final “Jay – C Show”. Coming up next, “The Andrew Dice Clay Show”, followed by a 3-hour marathon of “Real Police Chases”, here on SPIKE TV. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
