|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Jared...Will Forte Norman...Steve Carell Customer 1...Fred Armisen Customer 2...Amy Poehler Customer 3...Chris Parnell Customer 4...Kenan Thompson Worthington Quincy Papelbon...Horatio Sanz (first customer enters joke shop to see two identically dressed and creepy owners; brothers) Jared: Hello, what can I do for you? Norman: Yes, what can we do for you? Customer 1: Hi, just browsing. Jared: Anything in particular? Norman: Anything in mind? Customer 1: Well, I was wanting to get back at my friend for putting vaseline in my shoes. (Jared and Norman laugh maniacally for about a minute) Customer 1: Yeah, he thought it was funny, too. Norman: That what was funny? Customer 1: The shoes. Jared: Pardon? Customer 1: Him putting the vaseline in the shoes. (Jared and Norman look at each other as if just remembering and begin laughing again for about thirty seconds) Jared: Now I remember. Norman: Of course. I have just the thing. (goes over to section of scary batch of “fake” insects and critters) Norman: Here is a vicious, hairy tarantula that you could put in his shoes. But, I’m afraid it won’t be as funny as the vaseline. Customer 1: That could do the trick. Once when he was little he got bitten by a spider. Fortunately, it wasn’t poisonous, but he passed out from the fear. Norman: Well, this would be a bit of a change for him. Customer 1: How so? Norman: Because of the real venom. Customer 1: Real venom, huh? You mean, it’s a real spider? Norman: No, but we filled it with a ton of spider venom and when he steps on it the sharp tooth-like peg on the spider will inject into his foot. He may not even feel it. Real tarantulas are too expensive. Customer 1: I don’t understand the joke. Norman: (laughs) Don’t understand? That’s the joke. But, you probably want to be there when it happens, to witness his horribly funny demise. Customer 1: Demise? Whoa, this is too, too weird. This will kill him? Norman: Do you watch TV? Anybody bitten by venomous spiders or snakes usually die. Though, the actual symptoms are what makes it so funny. Customer 1: How’s that? Norman: The quivering, the hallucinations; the frothing at the mouth and of course, the death part....am I missing something or is this not funny? Customer 1: I’m outta here. (customer leaves) Norman: I could feel that sale. Jared: Don’t worry about it, we get people like that all of the time. (two different customers enter and branch off into different directions of the store) Norman/Jared: Go time!!!!! (Norman and Jared split up) Norman: Can I help you? Customer 2: Sure. I was looking for a funny gag for my friend. She’s a hell of a lady, and I just want to prank her for her birthday. Norman: Does she drink coffee? Customer 2: Oh, yes. She’s a caffeine fiend. Do you have something? Norman: Of course, here it is. (shows her a coffee mug) Customer 2: What does it do? Norman: Look at the bottom. Customer 2: Oh. (bottom retracts when taken off of the table) Norman: When your good friend lifts up the coffee mug to drink it, the bottom comes out and.....VOILA!!!!!! Hot, scalding coffee all over her. Customer 2: Geez. Isn’t that a bit rough? Norman: How so? (cut to Jared talking to customer 3) Jared: And this is a barometer. Customer 3: Isn’t that a bit dangerous, what with all the mercury? Jared: Also known as quicksilver. Oh, definitely. In fact, make sure your brother puts it on a rickety table or stool or something like that. Customer 3: Actually, I really wanted to punk out my coworkers. Ever since they dyed my hair bleach-blonde, I have been waiting to get back at them. I had to go to a funeral afterwards, for God’s sakes. Jared: Here are some cups for the water cooler. Ordinary paper cups, right? Nope, contain toxic glue that may or may NOT kill them. It’s a bit of a gamble. 50/50 shot. Customer 3: I certainly don’t want to kill them but, how much? Jared: Five bucks for a package of twenty. Customer 3: What is this, Aberclomy & Fizitch? (customer exits) Jared: Dammit! (back to Norman) Customer 2: Don’t you see how wrong that is? Norman: But the computer disk will eat up all of your friend’s memory. It will be hysterical, I assure you. Customer 2: It’s just not right. Computers are expensive, and taking all of her personal information and... Norman: Look, I don’t see why you don’t want the mug that I first showed you. Customer 2: It’s inhuman. Norman: Did I mention that the ceramic is quite poisonous, containing sulfur... (customer leaves) Norman: (screaming to customer) No, no...wait!!!! I have a candle for the birthday cake! It has the word “Roman” crossed out!!!! She wouldn’t even see it!!! Jared: No luck, Norman? Norman: Nope, Jared. Sometimes I feel that we should just sell the store and get on with better lives. Some of these customers are truly offended by our products. Jared: You can’t give up, Norman. Now, I have to go out back and come up with some more stuff. Mind the store, will ya? Norman: Sure. (customer enters) Customer 4: Hi, I was looking for something to gross out my friends. Norman: I’m not sure you’ll like it, but we have this old women porn. Customer 4: Omigod! This is disgusting, deplorable, reprehensible. I’m sure my buds will love it. I’ll take it. Norman: Wow, really. Customer 4: Yeah. And where did you get the grannies, anyway? Norman: We have a big family. Customer 4: Uh-huh. (screeching from an animal or human from the back; sound of motor running as well) Customer 4: What the hell was that? Norman: Oh, nothing. Will that be cash or check? (Jared comes from behind the curtain, covered in blood all over apron and hair puffed up by wind perhaps) Jared: The enormous window fan is good to go. Who needs three speeds when you can twelve? Customer 4: Holy lord. What the....my God. What the hell is this? Jared: Oh, nothing. Just a bit of paint. Customer 4: Red paint? Jared: No, that’s blood. The blue paint on the apron is from... Customer 4: You’re insane. Both of you. (customer runs out the door) Norman: (screaming out to him) Hey, I’ll take half off on the grammy-porn magazines!!!!! This is just great. Jared: I’m sure we’ll make a sale at the end of the year. (wealthy gentleman enters) Worthington Quincy Papelbon: Hello, I am Worthington Quincy Papelbon, famous rich guy. Jared: Hey, you’re that famous rich guy. Worthington Quincy Papelbon: One in the very same. I have taken a liking to your store of business and wish to buy five of everything. Make that ten. Norman: Wow. We’ll be rich. Jared: Amazing. Can I interest you in a neverlasting gobstopper, on the house? Worthington Quincy Papelbon: Oh, I’m sorry. Is this 26 Hollowbee Road? Norman: No, this is 759 Wilmington Avenue. That’s a few miles away. Worthington Quincy Papelbon: What kind of store is this? Norman: This is a joke shop. The Laugh Shack. Worthington Quincy Papelbon: I’m sorry. I thought this was Victoria’s Secret. I’m not a transvestite if that’s what you think. Let’s just say I have a nose for the women’s....I like to sniff bras. Farewell. (millionaire leaves) Jared: We’re never going to catch a break. (millionaire enters again) Worthington Quincy Papelbon: I’ve changed my mind and would love to purchase your store. I am one who loves the shenanigans and levity of trickery and deceit. Salud! (Norman, Jared and Worthington jump up and down and celebrate) (cut to outside of picture of store saying, “Norman, Jared and Worthington Quincy Papelbon’s Jokes, Gags, and Very Sexy Lingerie Shop”) Norman/Jared/Worthington Quincy Papelbon: THE END!!!!!!!!! (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
