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Willy James... Kenan Thompson Ernest... Steve Carrell Bill... Seth Meyers Ticket Taker... Rachel Dratch Michael Jackson’s #1 Fan... Rob Riggle (Open to the Black Screen and the Words shoot out across the screen with narration by Don Pardo) THE FOLLOWING SKETCH FEATURES WILLY JAMES (Cut to Willy James standing in front of a black screen) Willy James: You need the W to the J America... (gets a look of disgust) Man, I’ve gotta get a new line! (Fade to a train station waiting room. Ernest and Bill sit on a bench) Ernest: (inner thoughts v/o) Well... your summer vacation sucked, maybe it’s because everybody laughs at you, and you can’t talk to save your life. You’ve got to get your head in the game and become a social beast. Now get your head in it! GET IT! (Ernest starts talking aloud) Ernest: I’m gonna GET IT! My head’s in the game BITCH! Bill: (gets startled) Excuse me? Ernest: Oh... (meekly) my name is Ernest what’s yours? Bill: Uh yeah... my name’s uh Summer... Jackson!(Bill’s cell-phone rings) excuse me. (Grabs his phone and runs to a corner of the waiting room.) Bill: Yeah Douglas, do you have the papers? I need those papers for Monday. When Bill O’Moran says he needs his papers, he needs his GOD MUNCHING PAPERS! (Camera pans to Ernest. He’s smacking himself) Ernest: He lied to me about his name! I freaked him out! I’m always freaking people out! I know...(talks nervously) I’ll find some common ground. (Ernest grabs Bill’s brief case and starts going through it. (Willy James enters the train station with muscular security guards played by extras throwing him onto the floor.) Willy: Hey come on guys! Why is momma doing this? Just because I rambled on about how much Bewitched sucked doesn’t mean she should kick me out of the house! (One guard gets ready to club him) Willy: Hey hey... do you really want another Rodney King on your hands? (The guards leave. Willy casually dusts himself off and goes to the ticket taker for his ticket. Camera pans to Ernest still rummaging through Bill’s brief-case. Some kids crowd around him.) Ernest: (nervous) Can’t talk now kids, must find a friend!!! (Bill notices Ernest) Bill: Hey what are you doing with my brief-case? Ernest: I don’t know what you mean by a brief-case. (he tosses Bill’s case to the kids. They start shouting and run out of the station with the brief-case.) Bill: Hey you future looters and murderers of America, come back here! (Bill runs out of the train station.) (Willy James calmly sits down near Ernest) Willy James: My never-before-seen-clips weren’t selling, so I thought I’ll rag on some bad movies, and now I’m stuck at this dismal train station. I don’t know what’s worse, my life or the fact that more people watched Penguins march than Ewan MacGregor on an Island! (Suddenly loud voices come from outside) Bill v/o: No! Don’t throw my briefcase onto the train tracks! Why you little ass-wipes! Ticket Taker: (yells) No yelling out there! Or I’ll box your ears! Willy James: Heh... box your ears? Nobody says that anymore! (Ernest laughs) Ernest: (thinks to himself) Wow look at this guy, not afraid to say anything. That’s how I’ll become outgoing... I’ll be the wise cracking humorist! Willy James: (looks at the supervisor) Hey lady, what’s with the slow train? How long am I gonna have to be here? And yes I asked that same question at a showing of “Rebound”! Ticket Taker: Hey, do I run the trains? Do I control the world? Nope! Ernest: Heh... you said Nope! Nobody says that anymore! (Awkward silence) Willy James: Wow... hasn’t been this quiet since someone decided to name a movie “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants!” Ernest: (Smacks himself as he talks aloud) I can’t say anything funny nothing works, and I’m not even being myself! People say be yourself, well hot damn I’m going to do that! Willy: Why are you talking to yourself? Ernest: I’m not going to answer you until I’ve eaten my expired potato salad! (Grabs potato salad from his back-pack and anxiously starts eating) Willy James: Have you forgotten to take your meds or something? Ernest: Got them right here! (Opens his backpack to reveal a tranquilizer gun) Willy: (talks to himself) Well folks, we got a nut job and a dull ticket taker! The perfect audience for my shredding of the summer films! (Talks aloud) I love movies, but man... this summer was the crap-fest of movies! It’s like I called 1-800-DUDFILM, and they sent me a complete set of Sleeping Pill flicks! Ticket Taker: The only movie I saw this summer was the Dukes of Hazzard, the one-liners were quite good actually! Willy James: One-liners... right! It’s like you took an ugly tie and threw it into a pile of turds. The tie looks pretty good compared to turds but outside of the pile, it’s ugly. The ugly tie... is Dukes of Hazzard! Ticket Taker: I don’t know much about what you’re saying, but thing’s clear, you have no life! Willy James: (ignoring the supervisor) And then there’s 4 Brothers starring Marky Mark Walhberg, they should have just cloned his ass, for the other brothers. Those actors were useless. Andre Benjamin? You’re an Ice Cold Outkast in this movie, so just stick to singing! Tyrese... 2 Fast and 2 Furious was too much, please go back to whatever the hell else you do. Oh wait... you don’t do anything else! To top off all the summer movies was the biggest remake... Charlie and Chocolate factory. What a cess-pool of ethnic midgets candy-coated corniness! I don’t what was worse for Johnny Depp... this role or Fear of Loathing in Las Vegas. I swear this movie was cornier than a bag of mixed corn nuts! Ernest: (Stops eating) Hey... I wanna tell you something. I have a passion for lighting my farts? Willy James: Yeah dude whatever. Man... you have got some problems. Do you have social anxiety or something? Ernest: I’m being myself! Willy James: Take some tranquilizer or a sedative. Hell, might as well watch Longest Yard, it was the longest sedative I’ve ever watched. (The supervisor looks annoyed and starts reading a magazine) Willy James: The message of the movie was weak, Chris Rock’s role was useless. Adam Sandler basically took a dump on Burt’s original movie and then asked him to make an appearance. I’ve lost respect for all of them, and I found this movie more predictable than Passion of the Christ! Man did that Passion movie drag on. Was Mel Gibson trying to torture us as well? (Completely awkward silence) Ernest: Wow... that’s even freakier than the stuff I say. I never cause this much awkwardness! Ticket Taker: I’m a former nun! I had some problems with the gargoyle statues, apparently they should make the surfaces non-stick. But that still was not appropriate! May I strike you down with god’s might fist! (The ticket taker grabs a ruler and thwacks Willy James. She angrily walks back to her booth and starts to grab her stuff) Ernest: (To Willy) Hey... I also have had nuns come after me! I was eating some Burger King Chicken Fries and I had to empty out my Fannie pack and well that just started the whole thing! But I finally have something in common with you! Wanna be my friend? Willy James: Your friend? Man I’m too cool for ya! I don’t need wimps cramping my style! (Ticket taker starts snickering) Ernest: Don’t have any guts? I’ll have you know I’m pretty tough! And I like movies also... I saw Herbie-Fully Loaded 3 times! And I didn’t vomit once! Willy: (Looks shocked) You saw that vile movie more than once without hurling! I vomited my corn nuts after watching the first 10 minutes of the film! I have to say Ernest, that takes some real guts! (Train whistle blows and sounds of the train arriving pop up) Train Supervisor: Hey... you 40 year old Virgins! Get your acts together! The train’s here! (She gets out of her booth and leaves the waiting room. Sounds of people emptying the train are heard. Random extras walk into the station. Including Michael Jackson’s #1 fan in a tight white tank-top and purple parachute pants) MJ’s #1 Fan: Oh yeah! I’m a bad-ass! I’m badder than that guy from Bad News Bears! Boo-Yah! Willy James: (shakes his head in disgust) Hey Ernest give me that tranquilizer gun! (Willy grabs the gun and looks at MJ’s #1 fan. He’s shuffling his feet across the floor) Michael Jackson’s #1 Fan: Oooh Yeah! I’m moon-walking! (Willy shoots MJ’s #1 fan in the leg, and he collapses onto the ground) Willy James: That definitely ain’t moon-walking! C’mon Ernest! Let’s catch our train! You know... I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship! Ernest: Heh... that’s an old line. Nobody says that anymore! (Willy laughs as he and Ernest walk out of the station. The scene fades to black) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
