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Dak.....Darrell Hammond Andrew.....Steve Carell Skag.....Rachel Dratch Mince.....Chris Parnell Gravel.....Finesse Mitchell Groupie.....Amy Poehler [Scene: External still shot of a stadium with a banner reading: 'TONIGHT: Nasty Razor Addiction.' and underneath that 'The other NRA'. Cut to internal, a hallway in an arena. Andrew, sporting a smart haircut and a three piece suit, is getting roughed up by some security guards as shady characters walk past without incident. Dak, an aging heavy metal/punk rock dude enters.] Dak: Hey, leave him alone, he's with the band! [Security exits while eyeing Andrew.] Dak: Andrew! How's it going man? [The two embrace] Andrew: Great Dakota...I mean Dak. Heh. Wow, it's been so long. I heard you guys were coming to town but I was stunned that you invited me to come to the concert. Dak: Man, to be honest...when we lost our lead guitar I thought, 'Hey, I seem to remember my good friend Andrew being pretty handy with the old six string.'. Am I right? Andrew: Well, I... Dak: Man, you haven't change a bit, still modest...and you still have that same haircut. [Skag, Rachel dressed like a man with a mustache, Mince, and Gravel enter.] Skag: NARC! GET THE NARC! [Andrew gets roughed up by Skag, Mince and Gravel.] Dak: Leave him alone, he's with the band! Mince: Is not. We're the band. Dak: Shuttup. Andrew, this is Skag, Gravel and Mince. Fellows, he's the new guitarist I was telling you about. Gravel: What bands you've played in? Andrew: Well, actually, none. I'm actually an accountant. Dak: And the best damn accountant\guitarist I've ever seen! Andrew: Wait, you're not serious about wanting me to play in the band are you? Dak: Oh yeah, totally. Our last guitarist got arrested and we haven't seen him since. Gravel: I thought he quit and left town. Mince: I thought he was abducted by aliens and then repeatedly probbed. Gravel: That was the movie we saw on the bus. Mince: I like the bus. Dak: Point is we need a guitarist. And besides it'd be good to have an old friend in the band. Might help bring us back together creatively. Truth be told...Nasty Razor Addiction is going through some tough times. Skag: Are you referring to the incident where I slept with your wife? Dak: Not specifically, but that definitely did not help! Why do you always have to bring that up? I told you I forgave you but you keep bringing it up man. Skag: What, I only slept with your wife. Dak: Shuttup! Andrew: Come on you guys. It's cool. Dak: (smiling at Andrew)See, you know just what to say. I feel better already. Mince: I think we need a group meeting. [The group get together and talk. Closeup on Andrew's upper torso as he waits by himself nervously. Skag enters scene extremely slowly.] Skag: Don't tell Dak but...I also slept with his twenty-one year old supermodel daughter from a previous marriage. [Skag looks at Andrew who gets an uncomfortable look on his face. Skag slowly exits scene. Band approaches Andrew.] Dak: (throwing a guitar at Andrew)Here man, they want to hear you play. Andrew: No really...I haven't played since sixth grade! Dak: C'mon man. Oh...(whispers something into Andrew's ear)..do it. [Andrew smiles sheepishly then prepares to play.] Andrew: Alright, now I'd like to play some 'Classical Gas' for you. [Andrew farts. Dak bursts out laughing.] Dak: Oh that's a howler. Ha ha ha ha ha. He did that in sixth grade and it slayed. Didn't you have to go to the principal's office after that one? Andrew: Well....yeah. Dak: And didn't he expel you? Andrew: No...but he did mention that expulsion was a possibility if I kept up that sort of behavior. Dak: What did I tell ya boys, he's a bada**. Mince: I wanna hear him play, Dak. Dak: Play whatever you're best at dude. No pressure. [Andrew begins slowly playing 'Jingle bells' pausing at the 'Jingle all the way' part as he stumbles with the fingering. A beat after he finishes] Gravel: Granted, he's better than the last guy... Mince: Group meeting! [Group meets and we cut again to closeup of Andrew. Skag slowly enters.] Skag: Don't tell Dak, but I slept with his wife at the same time. Andrew: What? Skag: I slept with his wife and daughter, by a previous marriage, at the same time. Like together. The three of us. (a beat)A bit dysfunctional that family, wouldn't you say? [Cut to wide shot. Skag puts his finger over his mouth as if to shush Andrew lest he say anything about what he just told him.] Dak: Well, here's to the newest member of Nasty Razor Addiction...Andrew Johnson. [Dak throws a guitar with a base shaped like a razor to Andrew.] Andrew: I don't know guys...I mean...I Dak: Dude, just think about it. We go on in ten. [Band exit, with Skag bringing up the rear, making shushing motion with his finger as he exits. Andrew contemplates the situation as Groupie, dressed goth/punk, enters.] Groupie: Hey mister, do you know where the band is? I'm such a huge fan. Their music just makes me so hot, u know? Hey...is that your guitar? Andrew: Huh? Oh this...yeah...I'm with the band! [Groupie's face lights up and the shot goes still. End off with a montage. First shot shows Andrew on stage with the others. He looks conservative as the other guys look punk. Next shot shows a frightened Andrew surrounded by punk groupies. Next shot, Andrew gives punk groupies his guitar in an attempt to get rid of them. Next shot, Groupie returns his guitar. Next a wedding shot of Andrew and Groupie with Andrew looking angry as Skag and Groupie kiss. Cut to shot of the group on the cover of Rolling Stone. Band is making angry faces and 'rock and roll' gestures with their hands while Andrew stands a bit off from the group and is giving the thumbs up sign. End wtih a shot of Dak and Andrew walking together, Dak with his arms around two punk groupies, while Andrew has his arms around two groupies that are dressed conservatively.] [Fade out to Kasabian's 'Club Foot'] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
