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Black Man #1.....Finesse Mitchell Black Man #2.....Kenan Thompson President George W. Bush.....Will Forte Karl Rove.....Fred Armisen Vice President Dick Cheney.....Darrell Hammond Michael Brown.....Steve Carell [ open on exterior, New Orleans shotgun house rooftop. Two black men sit on the roof as the waves of floodwaters knock against the eaves. ] [ SUPER: New Orleans ] Black Man #1: Man, how long we been sitting up here? When's FEMA gonna arrive and take us out of this mess? Black Man #2: I don't know, but I'm getting tired of waiting. We definitely could have gotten some sweet-ass looting under our belt all this time. Black Man #1: I know one thing. Katrina and Rita's all George Bush's fault. The man's a racist, leaving us black folks out here to die. Black Man #2: Uh, I hate to break it to you, but you're the only black dude up here. I used to be white, until I went splashing around all that filthy sewage water. Black Man #1: Oh, no you didn't! I should've known you smelled too good to be a brother. Black Man #2: Yeah, sorry about that. But I certainly do appreciate the hospitality you've endowed upon me all month. Black Man #1: Well, endow this, sucka! [ abruptly pushes Black Man #2 back into the filthy sewage water ] Black Man #2: Hey! [ dissolve to exterior, White House ] [ SUPER: Meanwhile, back at George W. Bush's Secret Evil Headquarters ] [ SUPER: Okay, so it only looks like the White House. But trust us, there's a secret hideaway in there that you didn't hear about from us! ] [ Bush, Karl Rove and Dick Cheney sit around at a table in a bunker-style room, much like a fall-out shelter ] President Bush: So, gentlemen, our latest mission is near completion. Is that correct? Dick Cheney: That’s correct, Mr. President. Just a few more things left on the checklist. (Looks over to a giant checklist) Here’s what we’ve accomplished so far: “Create a false sense of security among the American people”; “Position our weather satellites so they think that Hurricanes are coming”; “Make final payment on the Hurricane Master 3000”… Karl Rove: I still say we should have bought the “4000”, we could have taken out all of Florida! President Bush: Karl, shut up! Cheney’s talking! Dick Cheney: The "3000" was fine, and it didn't take too much money away from our Iraq war kitty. Kark Rove: So what went wrong? President Bush: Nothing! Our operation was perfect. I aimed that hurricane right at New Orleans, because.. I.. had.. a.. plan. Kark Rove: To kill black people? Dick Cheney: You sniveling little sycophant! [ slaps Karl across the mouth ] President Bush: My real objective was to kill the terrorists. Karl, don't you know that New Orleans is a haven for criminal activities? Why, even the politicians are breaking the laws left and right. Let me clarify that statement: the Democratic politicians. Kark Rove: There aren't terrorists in New Orleans! Tourists, maybe, and I can see how you'd get the two words canfused. President Bush: History will show that the hurricane we created killed many terrorist citizens of the United States. If we accidentally killed any Democratic voters, that was just a lucky break. Guess you could say we "won one for the Gipper!" [ giggles ] Kark Rove: You don't even know what that phrase means. And, anyway, you hired a buffoon to head up FEMA. Where did you find a joker like that? President Bush: Karl, don't you badmouth Mike Brown. He's a good man. A hard-working man. It's not our job to protect the lives of Democratic voters. Mike said it best, how did you put it to that.. [ gags ] woman in charge, Mike? [ ex-FEMA director Mike Brown steps out from behind a secret curtain ] Mike Brown: Yes, sir, Mr. President. I said, "I guess you want me to be this superhero that is going to step in there and suddenly take everybody out of New Orleans." Now, I ask you, gentlemen: Do I look like a Christopher Reeve Superman.. or do I look like a scrawny dick? President Bush: Scrawny dick. Kark Rove: Scrawny dick. Dick Cheney: Scrawny dick. Mike Brown: Exactly. I rest my case. Karl Rove: Is that why you resigned? Mike Brown: Karl, I resigned because I'm apathetic to the situation. By quitting right in the middle of the crisis, I left the citizens of New Orleans high and dry. Well, not really. That's just a figure of speech. [ lets out an evil laugh ] [ Bush and Cheney echo the evil laugh behind Brown ] President Bush: Mike, you are on fire! You got any other evil statements to add to this meeting? Mike Brown: Just one: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
