|
|
|
|
|
|
|
...Steve Carell ...Stephen Colbert DON PARDO: Ladies and Gentlemen, Steve Carell! (APPLAUSE) CARELL: Thank's a lot! Thank you very much! (APPLAUSE DIES DOWN) OK folks, I never thought it would last this long, but welcome to the 31st season of "Saturday Night Live!" (APPLAUSE) Now let's just keep our fingers crossed that it's going to be a good one, I say jokingly of course. Anyway, for the curious, I had quite an interesting past couple of months. Starting with a series right here on NBC called "The Office", (APPLAUSE) I'm glad to see at least 300 people have seen it. And of course this past summer I was in this little film called "The 40-Year Old Virgin". (MORE APPLAUSE, CARELL AGAIN POINTS HIS EAR AT THE AUDIENCE IN JEST) Anyway, In light of these two things that I have been fortunate enough to do, I came across an interesting note. Both "The Office" and "40 Year Old Virgin" and this show included are all a part of the vast corporate empire that's known as the NBC Universal Company. So I guess you can say that I've become sort of their celebrity spokesperson... (A MAN FROM THE AUDIENCE INTERUPTS CARELL) MAN IN THE AUDIENCE: (OFFSTAGE) Yeah, more like Corporate WHORE!!! (CARELL IS STARTLED BY THE HECKLER, BUT CONTINUES) CARELL: ...And I'm guessing that because they like my performances so much, that they're letting me do other things for them... MAN IN THE AUDIENCE: (O.S.) Yeah, like Selling out!! CARELL: ...Uh, for instance, I'm actually slated to appear in... (CARELL TRIES TO CONTINUE HIS MONOLOUGE INDISTINCTLY, BUT HE KEEPS BEING HECKLED BY THE MAN IN THE AUDIENCE BY CHANTING "CORPORATE WHORE!") CARELL: (LOSES HIS TEMPER) OK, That's Enough!!! Whoever's doing that, come up here! I want to talk to you NOW! In front of everybody, let's settle this now. Who are you to tell me that I'm a Whore?! MAN IN AUDIENCE: (O.S.) I Do. (MUSIC: "GOOD/BAD/UGLY-TYPE" MAN IN THE AUDIENCE APPROACHES STEVE WESTERN-MOVIE STYLE, CAMERA IS ON MAN'S SHOES. CAMERA SUPER-SLOWLY PANS UP.) MAN IN AUDIENCE: (O.S.) Hey, Director Lady! It's a 90-minute show, let's pick up the pace here. (CAMERA QUICKLY PANS UP TO THE AUDIENCE MEMBER'S FACE, WHICH TURNS OUT TO BE STEPHEN COLBERT'S. HE HAS A TOOTHPICK IN HIS MOUTH AND IS SQUINTING HIS EYES IN ANGER, AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.) CARELL: (DEADPAN) Hello, Stephen. COLBERT: Steve. CARELL: (SLIGHTLY CONFUSED) OK...Steve. COLBERT: No, You fool, I was acknowledging your name. CARELL: Whatever, why are you taunting me in the middle of my monolouge? COLBERT: Taunting you? Or helping you? CARELL: You're taunting me! COLBERT: Am I? CARELL: Yes, you are! COLBERT: Am I, Really? CARELL: Yes! COLBERT: Really, Am I? CARELL: Stop that! Look, Just because I've done a few successful movies does not mean that I've sold out, you're just jealous. COLBERT: (OVERCONFIDENT) Oh, Steve, steve, steve. Poor diluted-little-man child Steve. I see that your newfound fame has just reached the point where it has fused into your head the way that a sperm fuses into an egg. Only to create some sort of mutant child that will eventually take over your life to a point where it's going to start borrowing money from yourself. CARELL: What the hell does that mean? COLBERT: I don't know, I was never good with metaphors. But what I do know is that the Steve Carell that I know wouldn't crack a couple of jokes just to make a buck or two...Million. The Steve Carell I know would do jokes just because he wanted to; What happened to you, man? One day, you're doing scene stealing bit parts; the next day, you're driving around in a Mercedes because of the bit parts you stole. Don't think I don't know about your "Anchorman" residuals, Paco! CARELL: Stephen, you're crazy! I did not sell out for anybody, I'm an Actor! Actors usually do things that interest them if the price is right, and these things did! I'm just doing what I want to do. COLBERT: Ah, you see! That's how it always begins. Some suit comes up to you and gives you the 'ol "3 Picture Deal", and they promise you the world on a string. Next thing you know, you come full circle and you're back to where you started on some short lived sketch show on ABC. It's only gonna be a matter of time until they give "Dana Carvey" another chance, I can feel it. CARELL: That was a long time ago; Besides, no one wants to remember that show. It bombed the moment it came on with Dana's "Bill Clinton" breastfeeding puppies. COLBERT: (SUDDENLY DISGUSTED) Eww, thanks for reminding me about that...(SHAKES IMAGE OUT OF HEAD) But Regardless, Do you remember the promise that you--until recently--kept? The one that we made together at That show back in '96? You know, The Blood Oath? (CARELL MAKES AN INQUISITIVE EXPRESSION, HE'S THINKING BACK IN TIME. RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO AN OFFICE WHERE CARELL & COLBERT DISCUSS THEIR AGREEMENT) COLBERT: (HOLDING A BOX CUTTER) C'mon, Steve! If this is a blood oath, you gotta let it bleed, bro. CARELL: I don't know, Stephen; I hate the sight of blood... COLBERT: Look Steve, we both committed ourselves never to give in to the pressures of corporate entertainment! By which I mean we limit our talents to basic cable, Independent Movies and/or supporting roles on a Broadcast TV show. I already fingerprinted it with MY blood, now you gotta sign with yours. CARELL: Well...(INSPECTS THE CONTRACT) Hey! This isn't blood, it's smeared red pen ink... COLBERT: Just Do It! Stick out your arm; and remember not to hit a vein; Because if you do...Uh, something bad happens, I forget. C'mon, let's go. CARELL: Fine...(CARELL PROCEEDS TO PUNCTURE A HOLE INTO HIS CLOTHED ARM--COVERING A SQUIB--BLOOD BEGINS TO GUSH, STEVE SCREAMS IN PAIN.) COLBERT: OK, quickly, apply your hand to the wound, squeeze down on it. Long enough that your hand is covered in blood. CARELL: Jesus Christ, it hurts! COLBERT: Hey, listen, this is what they mean by suffering for your art. Now let go and make your mark. CARELL: I'm getting dizzy... COLBERT: C'mon, don't be a wimp. CARELL: (DISORIENTED) Yeah, I'd love some Blimpie right now. COLBERT: What? Did you hit a vein or something? CARELL: (STILL DISORIENTED) I didn't know you were a fan of Coltraine, I love that scattin' stuff..Skee-ba-da-doo-doo-doobie-do-wahhhhhh, Yeah! COLBERT: Fine, be a baby...(GRABS CARELL'S HAND AND SMEARS IT ALL OVER THE CONTRACT, CARELL CONTINUES TO SCAT IN HIS BLOOD DRAINED DELERIUM.) OK, now lets get going, Bob Smigel wants us in a recording studio in 15 minutes; something about a cartoon with gay superheros. (TAKES CARELL'S ARM AND DRAGS HIM OUT) CARELL: (STILL IN DELERIUM) Gay Heros? What do they do, put raspberry vinagarette on it? COLBERT: (SIGH) Sure Steve, raspberry vinagarette...(COLBERT CARRIES CARELL OUT OF THE ROOM) (RIPPLE DISSOLVE BACK TO HOME BASE) CARELL: Well...I guess I'd forget something like that. Possibly because...I was BLEEDING To Death! COLBERT: Look Steve, the main point is that you broke your promise. And in the terms of the contract, depending on how much you've sold out I now have to sell out as much as you did. Which is going to be hard to do considering that all I have to promote is...(COLBERT LOOKS DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA IN A CLOSE UP. A SCROLL CROSSES THE SCREEN SAYING "PLEASE WATCH THE COLBERT REPORT, IT'S AWESOME!!!") "The Colbert Report" premeiring October 17th right after The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on Comedy Central; And remember, the "T" is silent...or should I say "Silen"? (GIVES A WINK INTO THE CAMERA FOLLOWED BY A PING) Anyway, be sure to watch it, it's a regular kick in the 'ol Levi's. CARELL: Is that it? COLBERT: I only wish it was; (TAKES OUT BLOOD STAINED CONTRACT) according to the contract, In the event that the party of the 2nd part...I.E. Me...Doesn't have enough to promote to help pay off a showbusiness related debt, then the party of the 1st part...I.E. you...must provide a role of substantial size in a project that the party of the 1st part is currently filming. Long story short, I want a role in the "Get Smart" movie...(BOTH PERFORM A HAIL MARY SIGNING IN HONOR OF DON ADAMS.) CARELL: (SIGH) OK, fine! I'll see if I can talk the producers into making you "Agent 13". COLBERT: I want to be the "Control Chief", bitch! CARELL: (HEAVY SIGH) Fine, "Control Chief", but you're doing it for scale. COLBERT: (ANGERED) Gross Points, or I'll kick your ass! CARELL: (IRRITATED) Adjusted Gross Points, take it or leave it! COLBERT: Deal! (THEY SHAKE HANDS) CARELL: So, are we good? COLBERT: Yeah, we're good. But make no mistake; the first major entertainment award you win, I'll bum rushing the stage with a blowtorch...! (SUDDENLY REALIZES HIS FUROR AND QUICKLY CALMS DOWN) Oh, and uh, Have fun tonight. (COLBERT PATS CARELL ON THE BACK, STRAIGHTENS UP HIS TIE AND EXITS THE STAGE.) CARELL: OK, if there's no more interuptions, let's get on with the show. We got a great one for you, Kanye West is here! (APPLAUSE) And don't worry, we got the 7 second delay up and running just in case. So stick around, we'll be right back. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
