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Announcer…Don Pardo …Amy Poehler …Steve Carell …Rachel Dratch Bernie Mac…Kenan Thompson Announcer: From Studio 8H, in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler…with special guest co-anchor Steve Carell. Amy Poehler: Good evening. I’m Amy Poehler. Tina Fey is on maternity leave. Joining me in her place is former “Daily Show” correspondent Steve Carell. Steve Carell: Thank you for having me here, Amy. Amy Poehler: Good to have you here! Here are tonight’s top stories! After 3 months behind bars, New York Times reporter Judith Miller was released Thursday after agreeing to testify about the Bush administration's disclosure of a covert CIA officer's identity. Miller will testify, and then, the Bush administration will orchestrate her “magical disappearance”. President Bush on Saturday reported that the Iraqi military is show a lot of progress, meaning that US troops will be coming home soon. Bush went on to say, “This is a good thing. Now our troops can head to North Korea, so they can get blown up by one of Kim Jong Il’s nukes!” In a press conference, this week, President Bush addressed a concern to the American people that they need to start to conserve energy. This, coming from a guy who sleeps with the light on, because he’s afraid of the dark. Researchers reported, earlier this week, that the mysterious respiratory disease that has swept greyhound racetracks across the country and also afflicted pet dogs is a type of flu, an influenza strain that jumped from horses to dogs. What does this all mean? Steve, what does it mean? Steve Carell: Well, it means that horses and dogs are making out with each other and giving each other “mono”. Amy Poehler: You heard it hear first, folks, former “Daily Show” correspondent Steve Carell says that dogs are getting influenza flu from making out with horses. A “Weekend Update” exclusive! Steve, back to you! Steve Carell: President Bush, this week, granted 14 pardons for various reasons. One of the most surprising pardons in the bunch was Arnold Schwarzenegger for “Jingle All The Way”. Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, this week, officially vetoed a state legislation bill that would allow “homosexuals” to marry. Asked to comment on the veto, Schwarzenegger said, “I don’t want the girly men to marry each other! I don’t want the man-like girls to marry each other, either! Two penises don’t equal a vagina! Two vaginas don’t equal a penis!” Amy Poehler: A Virginia Congresswoman, Jo Ann Davis, said Thursday that she has been diagnosed with breast cancer. It’s too bad this isn’t an election year, because “cancer” basically guarantees you “re-election”. Sympathy vote, folks! On Wednesday, it was reported that there are still several Eastern Texas residences still trapped due to the destruction left by Hurricane Rita. Hearing this, Bush immediately jetted to the “Bush Mobile” to rescue his beloved-trapped Texans! Steve Carell: On his radio program this week, Bill Bennett attempted to show the fallacy of a claim that abortion has resulted in lower crime rates by stating that crime can be greatly reduced by aborting black babies. Bennett was promptly chastized for his remarks by the White House and members of Congress, and in an impressive display of biparitsanship, senators Robert Byrd and Trent Lott gave him a resounding "Way to go, man." Don Adams, star of the sitcom "Get Smart" and the voice of Inspector Gadget, recently passed away at the age of 82. His funeral was attended by nearly three thousand friends, relatives, colleagues and fans. (a beat, then he switches to a Maxwell Smart voice) Would you believe five hundred mourners paid their last respects to Adams? (a beat) Would you believe a dozen trained chimpanzees were hired as pallbearers and nothing more? (applause from the audience, and Carrell returns to his normal voice) Yeah, we'll miss you, Don. Amy Poehler: Conservationists in the Phillipines successfully bred two endangered hornbills in an attempt to replenish their dwindling population. In an unrelated story, France's population of cheese eating surrender monkeys is expected to flourish for centuries to come. A bookie in Dublin has come under fire for advertising his business using a poster that depicts Jesus and the apostles playing poker at the Last Supper. I happened to see the poster in question, and it is absolutely deplorable. Simon Peter is folding with two clubs in his hand and two in the flop. Blasphemy! Steve Carell: I’d like to comment on something here. There was this news story that broke this week that The New York Times is planning on cutting 4% of its work force. Man, that must suck. You’re riding the subway to work. You’re sitting across from a transvestite that looks like a hairy Julia Roberts with an overbite. She, I mean, he is reading the New York Daily Post, you read that “The New York Times To Cut 4% Of Its Work Force”. Yeah. Adding insult to injury, you come to find that the New York Daily Post is reporting that your job at the New York Times is in serious jeopardy. I’ll take “Unemployment Line Educate” for $300, Alex! Amy, back to you. Amy Poehler: A report, this week, states that cocaine is killing Colombia’s natural parks and forests. And yet, it keeps the Bobby Brown / Whitney Houston marriage together. Vice President Dick Cheney returned to work, this week, with a cane, after his recent knee surgery. But now, Cheney’s having more fun than ever! Every time “Dubya” says something stupid, Cheney just bats him over the head with his cane! Have fun, Mr. Vice President! And now here with a commentary on the rise of bisexuality in America, is our sexual orientation correspondent Rachel Dratch. Rachel Dratch: Thank you. Amy Poehler: Rachel, how was your summer? Rachel Dratch: Well, Amy, let me put it to you this way, it was the summer of ’69. A recent poll has revealed that bisexuality is on the rise in America, among teenage and 20-something females. And, this is no more apparent, then in my own life. Why you may ask? Well…(begins to pier into Amy’s eyes) Because I like the soft touch of another woman’s hands on my oversize bosom. I enjoy the moans and screams of another woman as we enjoy each other’s bodies. Amy Poehler: Rachel, quit looking at me that way! Rachel Dratch: Amy, you know, as women, sometimes we do things that we aren’t always proud of, but after we’ve done them, it’s no use…deal with it. A flirt turns to lust and a 15-inch dildo magically disappears! Amy Poehler: Rachel, you know I’m married…and I really don’t like you like that. Rachel Dratch: (begins to cry; attempts to finish her commentary) Young women across America…we can all come together, if we just give each other a hand, now and again and again…and again. Thank you and good night! Amy Poehler: Rachel Dratch, SNL’s own bi-curious female cast member. Steve Carell: The couple from the “Country Crock” commercials announced earlier this week that they are getting a divorce, after it was revealed that the husband was cheating on his wife with “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”. Actress Jessica Alba is in talks to have her own video game. Let’s just hope her “video game” persona is a better actor than her. A spokesperson for GLAAD said this week that, “We think Eminem is the ‘Jimi Hendrix’ of the future.” Asked to explain, the spokesperson said, “Jimi Hendrix choked on his own vomit and died. We’d like the same from Eminem.” Amy Poehler: “American Idol” winner Fantasia revealed this week that she is “illiterate”. She’s a black, mother of one and she can’t read! I’ve gotta go buy her new album! Wow! Do the American Idol stories never end? Clay Aiken is gay, Justin is a drunk, Kelly Clarkson is bulimic, Fantasia is illiterate, Bo Bice worships the devil and Ruben’s fat. Anything else? Oh yeah, Paula Abdul likes sleeping with the contestants! Rapper DMX reportedly missed a court date on Wednesday for allegedly driving under a suspended license. Asked to answer the report, DMX said, “Uh! Uh! Uh!” A study this week shows that more and more parents are looking to celebrities’ names to name their newborn children. This growing trend could led to conversations like this… Daddy, why did you and mommy name me “Slut Faced Whore”? Steve Carell: Well honey, Paris Hilton was still a popular figure when you were born. We figured “Slut Faced Whore” was a spot on match! Amy Poehler: Roman Polanski’s new film “Oliver Twist” was just released this weekend, and is all ready getting rave reviews from critics. Wait a second! Roman Polanski did a movie about a little orphan boy who asks more from older men…and no one is a little put off by this! This, from a guy who infamously slept with a 13-year-old girl? Maybe I’m wrong, but there’s some stranger brew here. Steve Carell: Actor Vincent Pastore, best known as “Big Pussy” from the HBO series “The Sopranos”, pleaded guilty this week to the charge that he attempted to assault his ex-girlfriend, this past spring. Who would have imaged that a guy who plays a mobster on television would have an urge to hit his ex-girlfriend. That’s shocking! (Amy pulls up the Weekend Update phone and starts dialing) Steve Carell: Amy, what are you doing? Amy Poehler: Oh, I’m calling Billie Joe Armstrong from “Green Day”. Steve Carell: Why? Amy Poehler: Because he says in that song…”wake me up when September ends”. So I’m calling him. Steve Carell: Where has he been all month? On Holiday? Amy Poehler: No, I think he’s been sleeping on “The Blvd. Of Broken Dreams”. Steve Carell: You’re such an American Idiot! (Amy hangs up the phone, puts it back under the Update desk) Amy Poehler: Party girl Tara Reid said in an interview in “Steppin’ Out” magazine, that she hates begin known as a party girl, and that she’s promised herself to become a great actress for her generation. Tara Reid is currently trying to make good on her promise by appearing as “globe trotting happy hour” on E! “Wild On: Taradise”. See you at the Oscars, next year, Tara! Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Paris Latsis have reportedly broken off their engagement. So (pause) who wants to bet Hilton’s gonna start dating black guys from the hood? Steve Carell: Ashton Kutcher & Demi Moore got married this past weekend. Here to comment on the marriage is Bernie Mac! Bernie Mac: Thank you, Amy! Haa Haa! Whatch you talking about? Talk about Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore! Ashton & Demi! Ashton & Demi! She’s robbin’ the cradle! She’s doing more than that! She’s robbin’ the kiddie gene pool! That Ashton Kutcher, little bitch! Watch me Punk you, yeah, well watch me kick your little bitch ass! That little bitch is dumber than most people, let me tell ya! His IQ is lower than his age! Haa! Haa! Steve Carell: Bernie Mac, the one, the only! Amy Poehler: It was a sad day for pedophiles, on Wednesday, when the last great teenage actress, Hilary Duff, turned 18. Jay-C, our thoughts are with you. Steve Carell: And finally tonight, Don Adams, best known as “Maxwell Smart” on the series “Get Smart!” died this past Sunday. Maxwell Smart was heard to comment, “He missed living by that much!” Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler. Steve Carell: And I’m Steve Carell saying… Amy & Steve: Good night and have pleasant tomorrow. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
