|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Gov. Kathleen Blanco.....Rachel DRatch Mayor Ray Nagin.....Finesse Mitchell [ open on "Special Report" logo ] Announcer: We interrupt tonight's broadcast, so that we may bring you the following press conference from Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco. [ dissolve to empty podium, as Blanco steps up to it. Mayor Ray Nagin stands solemnly in the background. ] Gov. Kathleen Blanco: Good evening, citizens of New Orleans. [ taps microphones ] Are these things on? [ microphones elicit shrill whistles ] Oh, good. At least I know how to operate some things. First of all, I want to thank Mayor C. Ray Nagin for inviting me into your city today, and I want to congratulate each and every one of you because, after 37 long days, the water is safe to drink again. Hooray, New Orleans! We all know that Hurricanes Katrina and Rita placed quite a toll on New Orleans, with the levees breaching and the tides rising, but at least we learned something important throughout our hardship: George W. Bush is a racist. Mayor Ray Nagin: Amen. Gov. Kathleen Blanco: Of course, this might not be the time or the place for such a sentiment, but -- oh, who the hell am I kidding? This IS the time and the place! DOWN WITH BUSH!! Mayor Ray Nagin: [ singing jubilantly ] "Weeeee Shaaaaaall Over-come!" Gov. Kathleen Blanco: Word! Sing it, my nigga'. Mayor Ray Nagin: Say what, bitch?! What are you, a racist? Gov. Kathleen Blanco: Of course not! I'm a Democrat - just like you. Slap me some skin, bro-bro! [ holds up the palm of her hand ] Mayor Ray Nagin: Knock it off, baby, or I'll slap you so hard you'll be crying like Aaron Broussard. Gov. Kathleen Blanco: Alright, alright. We're all Democrats here, let's not get ourselves excited over Bush's follies. Our job today is to get the rebuilding of New Orleans underway. I've made a formal request for Congress to provide $200 million in loans to revive 81,000 storm-ravaged businesses in southeastern Louisiana. Mayor Ray Nagin: [ singing ] "We're in the money! We're in the money! Let's lend it, spend it, send it rolling around!" Gov. Kathleen Blanco: That's right, people. $200 million can go a long way, so let me break down how we're going to spend it: First of all, Ray-Ray and I are taking $50 million apiece for the emotional damages we've suffered all month as your elected leaders. This is not the workload we anticipated when we took on these jobs, and you can bet your sweet nutria that we're taking compensation for the stress wrought upon us by Baby Boy Doe and his science experiments gone awry. Now, because some people are faulting the infrastructure of the levee system in New Orleans, we're going to apply $15 million toward "studying" the levees. We've hand-selected a group of people to spend the next twenty days and nights actively staring at the levees from various vantage points, as they ponder what might have gone wrong over the years. Anyone caught staring at one another through the breaches will be fired immediately. Once our study is complete, we will then apply $10 million toward rebuilding the levees to their full pre-Katrina strength. Why not make them stronger, you ask? Come on, what's the odds of New Orleans taking a hit like that twice in the same millenium? New Orleans is built in a bowl, this we know and accept to be true. Can flooding ever be avoided. Absolutely not, who are we kidding, right? But can floodwaters be delayed. Damn betcha! In order to achieve this, we're putting $18 million into lowering the city. You heard right. If we lower New Orleans by another twenty to thirty feet, it will take that much longer for storm surges to flood New Orleans, giving citizens that extra window of opportunity to evacuate the city at the last possible second. Obviously, I'm going to authorize $25 million in financial aid to repair the Superdome, because I'm a firm believer that a structurally-sound Superdome will prevent Tom Benson from taking the Saints to another location. Also, I will authorize another $25 million for Tom Benson personally, just in case a structurally-sound Superdome isn't enough to convince him to keep the Saints in New Orleans. Beyond these expenses, I'm going to keep $6 million worth of "mad money" in the State Treasury for unexpected expenses that might arise. You know, in case our police force goes crazy on some unsuspecting tourist, or we want to book the Rolling Stones for next year's JazzFest. Now, many of you were educated in the New Orleans area, so you might not have been able to do the math on these figures. We started off with $200 million, and I've just outlined how we will spend $199 million of it. you might be asking, where's that last million going to? Well, I got off the phone with the National Broadcasting Channel about an hour ago, and they told me that for the low sum of $1 million, I could purchase the right to say: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
