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Open House Host…Chris Parnell Brad Pitt…Seth Meyers Jennifer Aniston…Amy Poehler John Travolta…Darrell Hammond John Malkovich…Bill Hader Jeremy Roenick…Jon Heder Tom Cruise…Andy Samberg Quentin Tarantino…Fred Armisen Hilary Duff…Rachel Dratch Angelina Jolie…Ashlee Simpson (Open on an overhead shot of the Hollywood Hills) (SUPER: Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston’s Estate in the Hollywood Hills) (Fade in the main living room of the mansion) Open House Host: Mr. Pitt, Mrs. Aniston, I’m just tickled pink that you wanted me to sell your estate here in the Hollywood Hills. I’ve had a lot of celebrities issue an interest in this estate. I told them all to show up here at 2 o’clock. Brad Pitt: I just have one question for you, how much do you think this place will sell for? Open House Host: Well, the market value is $28 million, but I’m sure that we will get much more than that. Jennifer Aniston: That’s good to know. Because if I don’t start getting some money soon, I’m gonna wined up like Lisa Kudrow! Brad Pitt: How’s that? Jennifer Aniston: With a crappy show on HBO that will get cancelled before you can say “Phoebe from Friends”! (Open House Host and Brad laugh, Host laughs too long) (Awkward pause) Open House Host: Well, the stars should be arriving any second. Brad Pitt: Could you give us a few minutes, alone? Open House Host: Sure. (Open House Host exits) Brad Pitt: Remember this room? That day I came home from being away for 7 months shooting “Troy”. We banged on the dining room table. Jennifer Aniston: Yeah. That was a good time. (Brad & Jennifer start making out) (Open House Host re-enters with a handful of celebrities) Open House Host: And behind door number one, the beautiful… (Brad & Jennifer continue to make out; move to the floor; The Open House Host tries to not draw attention to the couple making out) …staircase leading up to the master bedroom. John Travolta: This house would be an amazing addition to my wonderful collection of houses, yachts and planes! Wow! Brad & Jennifer making out on the floor! John Malkovich: No! No! This is exactly what I want! A mansion in the Hollywood Hills so I can get away from all the distractions of Hollywood! Does the mansion come with a celebrity couple “dry humping” on living room floor? Jeremy Roenick: (much like Mike Myers as Wayne Campbell) Hey! I play hockey…and they’re playing tonsil hockey! Awesome! He shoots, he scores! (Tom Cruise enters the mansion) Tom Cruise: Hey! What’s going on! I love this house. It…it had me at “Hello”! (Looks down at Brad & Jennifer) Hey, look! It’s Brad Pitt & Rachel from “Friends” making out on the floor! I feel the need, the need to plug my new movie! (Tom Cruise jumps in front of the camera) Tom Cruise: Hey America! “War of The Worlds” coming out on DVD! And don’t forget I knocked up the chick from “Dawson’s Creek”, because…I’m not gay! (Tom Cruise exits) Open House Host: Everyone, please ignore Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston getting to 2nd base. Their estate is up for sale! The bidding will being at $30 million! (Quentin Tarantino & Hilary Duff enter together) Quentin Tarantino: Hilary, this is the perfect house! We can make our own sex tapes, our own documentaries…I can get a great PLAYBOY photographer to take pictures of your young naked ass! It’s going to be beautiful! Hilary Duff: (Pondering) Hmm…a mansion in the Hollywood Hills to shot soft core pornos… Quentin Tarantino: Hardcore, sweetheart! Hardcore! Hilary Duff: (Pondering again) Hmm…this is the perfect way to over take Lindsay Lohan! Quentin Tarantino: Holy Barbarino! Brad is banging Rachel from “Friends”! (Enter Angelina Jolie) Angelina Jolie: Brad! Jennifer! (Brad & Jennifer get up off the floor) Open House Host: Folks, I think we should leave this love triangle alone! (Several of the celebrities start leaving the mansion) Quentin Tarantino: Why? It’s just getting good! (Open House Host pulls Tarantino out of the mansion by his jacket) Brad Pitt: (Pulling his pants up) Angelina, babe, I can explain! Angelina Jolie: You don’t need to explain. I get it! You don’t want to adopt babies with me…but you do want to make babies with Rachel from “Friends”. Brad Pitt: Well, Angelina, it’s a little more complicated than that. There are certain things that Jennifer does that you don’t. After that one hot night in Rome, I thought that there was nothing you couldn’t do…and apparently, there is a lot more I’d like you to do. You are a great lay, Angelina, but you’re no Rachel from “Friends”. Angelina Jolie: Goodbye, Brad! (Angelina exits; Jennifer kisses Brad) Brad Pitt: Hey, what do you think about reconciling up in the master bedroom? Jennifer Aniston: You read my mind! (Cue Music – “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac) (Fade out as Brad & Jennifer runs up the staircase) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
