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…Jon Heder Mary Locklear…Rachel Dratch June St. Marie…Maya Rudolph Tara Reid…Amy Poehler Wife #88…Jason Sudeikis …Jessica Alba (cameo) (Fade in) Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Jon Heder! (Heder enters from the back door of home base) Jon Heder: Hello!! Thank you! (Cheers from the audience) Thank you! It is truly an honor to be hosting Saturday Night Live! New York City! I’m sure a lot of you know me from my most famous role as…Officer Hardy in a little film called “Funky Town”. (Audience is dead silent) That was awkward. Being an actor, a lot of people create their own idea about actors. Well, what can I really tell you about myself? I was born in Colorado. I grew up in Oregon and went to college in Utah. I’m a huge fan of the band “Led Zeppelin”. Something some of you might already know about me is that I am a practicing Mormon. It’s come to my attention, that being a Mormon, I can have as many wives as I want. I’d like to get me a desperate housewife like Eva Longoria! (Cheesy laugh) Since the success of “Napoleon Dynamite”, I’ve married several women. However, I haven’t seen many of them since the wedding nights. A lot of “one night stands”. Saturday Night Live took the liberty to find some of the women I’ve married and they are here tonight. (Reading off an index card) First, my 3rd wife, Mary Locklear. She’s a 38-year-old actress from Seattle…Mrs. Jon Heder, come on down! (Mary Locklear comes up to the stage) Mary Locklear: Hi Jon! Why haven’t you called? I've had so many sleepless nights in Seattle! Jon Heder: It was too much of a talky flick! It could have used more tater tots and dance numbers…and a Mexican character named “Pedro”. (Reading off an index card) Next, my 14th wife, June St. Marie! She’s a 33-year-old waitress from Detroit…Mrs. Jon Heder, come on down! (June St. Marie, a pregnant woman, comes up to the stage) June St. Marie: Dude, it’s yours! Trust me! I’ve seen the ultra-sound! (Cut to ultra-sound picture with Heder's head on the baby's body) Jon Heder: That could be any buck-toothed stoner's face! But you might have a point! (Reading off an index card) Next, Wife #48! A woman who always seems to be drunk in public…Tara Reid? (Tara Reid stumbles on to the stage) Tara Reid: Napoleon Dynamite rocks! (Throws up on Jon) Whoo! Happy hour! Jon Heder: Wow! I really don’t remember that one! (Tara Reid falls down on the stage) Tara Reid: Whoo! Jon Heder: My last wife SNL found is wife #88. (Reading off an index card) There is no name here, but she is from right here in New York City’s own Greenwich Village. (Wife #88, actually a guy in a dress, comes on to the stage) Wife #88: (in a deep manly voice) Hi! Good to be here! Why haven’t you called me? Jon Heder: Wow! I must have been really hammered last night! More than Tara Reid! Umm, what’s your name? Wife #88: (in a deeper manly voice) BOB! Jon Heder: Bob? Is that short for anything? Like Barbara? Or Roberta? Wife #88: (in a deep manly voice) Nope! Just Bob! Jon Heder: Wow! Maybe its time for me to convert to becoming a “born again” Christian, like Stephen Baldwin. (Jessica Alba walks across the stage) Jessica Alba: Hey husband! Jon Heder: (surprised) Wife #69! (Jessica Alba exits the stage) Jon Heder: (in a change of heart) On second thought, maybe not! Ladies and (imitating wife #88) BOB, I’m sorry. I will do what I can to care for all of you. Shifting gears, we have a great show for you tonight! Ashlee Simpson is here! I really hope I didn’t accidentally marry her, too! Stick around; we’ll be right back! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
