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Allen…Jon Heder …Jenny McCarthy Bartender…Chris Parnell (Fade in) (A happening singles bar) (Close up of Jenny McCarthy looking bored as she sits at the bar alone) (Enter Allen, a real square, much like Jon Heder’s character in “Napoleon Dynamite”) (Allen approaches Jenny at the bar) Allen: Hey Bartender, how about a Bud Light? Thanks. (To Jenny) Hello. Jenny McCarthy: Hi. Are you sure you are old enough to be drinking that beer? Allen: Oh, it’s okay. I’m old enough. Jenny McCarthy: Well, just as long as you have a note from your mother! Allen: (Laughs) It’s cool. My mother said I could go out tonight, just as long as I cleaned my room and I didn’t bring any trashy women home! Jenny McCarthy: Like you’ve ever brought a woman home with you! Allen: Well, to be honest, no. I’ve never brought a woman home with me. Jenny McCarthy: I thought so. Allen: But don’t read me the wrong way. I’m a wild man. I once got pulled over for speeding, and I didn’t tell my mother about it! So, there! Jenny McCarthy: Oh yeah! We got a real wildcat over here! Allen: You bet! I can be as bad as the next guy. (Nervously) Tell me, what are you drinking? Jenny McCarthy: Vodka, straight! Allen: Hard stuff, uh? I’m not much into hard stuff. Just beer. Do you mind if I try it, though? Jenny McCarthy: Sure. Be my guest! (Allen grabs the glass, takes a drink, does a spit take directly into the bartender’s face) Allen: Maybe a little too hard for my taste. Jenny McCarthy: Are you okay? Bartender, can you get him some water? (Bartender hands Allen a glass of water) Allen: Thank you. Say, I’m going to play a song on the jukebox. Any requests? (Jenny ignores Allen’s question) (Allen walks over and turns on Huey Lewis & The News’ “Hip To Be Square”; walks back over the bar) Allen: I love this song! Jenny McCarthy: Well, it suits you. You are the “Hip To Be Square” cover boy. Would you like to dance? Allen: (Nervously) Ah, sure. (Allen & Jenny begin dancing; Jenny’s dancing is very sultry; Allen’s dancing is goofy and crazy) Jenny McCarthy: You’re a sexy dancer. I bet you’re an even sexier dancer in bed. How’d you like to head back to your house and wake up your mother up with our loud groans and screams? (Allen bolts out of the bar) Bartender: What’s with him? Jenny McCarthy: I don’t know! All I know is I seriously need to get laid! First I divorce my loser husband, then my vibrator breaks, and now, I can’t even get laid by a square who still lives at home with his mother! (Looks at the bartender) Hey, how’d you like mess around on the pool table? Bartender: (shouts) LAST CALL! (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
