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Smitty.....Jason Sudeikis Thomas.....Finesse Mitchell Cal.....Kenan Thompson Leon.....Fred Armisen Translator.....Amy Poehler Tim.....Seth Meyers Daytona.....Andy Samberg Luke.....Jon Heder Alan.....Will Forte [ fade in ] [ opening graphic ] V/O: Covering the back-story of your hometown, The Smitty Report. [ int. Studio Day ] Smitty: (Sudeikis) Around town, do you ever feel that you're not getting the service you paid for? Thousands of people are hired for jobs they are unqualified for, every day. Welcome, to the Smitty Report. [ int. Office Day ] [ SUPER: Thomas Unqualified Accountant ] Smitty: What is it that makes you an unqualified accountant? Thomas: (Mitchell) I can't do math. I've just never been good with numbers; adding and subtracting; counting Smitty: What three things do you find most difficult about accounting? Thomas: Probably looking at data tables and carrying the one. [ int. Office Day ] [ SUPER: Cal Unqualified Surveyor ] Cal: (Thompson) I only have one good eye [ pause ] no depth perception. [ ext. Cafι Day ] [ SUPER: Jennifer Unqualified Tobacco Executive ] Jennifer: (Dratch) I'm actually a big family person. [ ext. Canal Under Construction Day ] [ SUPER: Leon Unqualified Mime ] [ Leon (Armisen) who uses sign language, is accompanied by Translator (Poehler) ] Translator: I was born a mute. Smitty: But how would that make you unqualified? Translator: What makes a mime interesting is that he may choose to speak, but does not. [ pause ] Forget it, you Americans [ clearly signed by a middle finger ] wouldn't understand. [ int. TV Set Day ] [ SUPER: Tim Unqualified Soap Opera Actor ] Tim: (Meyers) I've actually discovered that I am asexual. I have no notion of what love, or more so lust, would feel like. I have never once experienced passion or desire for another human being. Smitty: Do you asexually cohabitate with another asexual? Tim: [ bemused, staunch ] No. Cohabitation of any sort leads to pointless drama in people's lives. I don't unstand why people have this morbid fascination with each other. It's completely illogical. I also do not enjoy dramatic music. I much prefer simple beats. [ ext. Street Corner Night ] [ SUPER: Daytona Unqualified Transvestite Prostitute ] Daytona: (Samberg) I'm actually just a very ugly woman. [ int. Garage Day ] [ SUPER: Luke Unqualified Dragon Hunter ] Luke: (Heder) I get payed by a government public works program to hunt dragons. But you know what? There's no such thing as dragons. Smitty: If there was a dragon loose, do you believe you could hunt and kill it? Luke: Definitely. I would be more than equipped for the task. [ patting Jeep-mounted machine gun ] 'Silver Annie', Hechler and Koch, 180 caliber, 1000 rounds per minute, armor-penetrating cold fusion artillery shells, tear a dragon up. Non-heat conductive material, runs electric so there's no gasoline, I could take three, four, five down in one fight, no problem. Smitty: So you're not really unqualified, just unnecessary? Luke: Uh, I guess so. Smitty: Not really what I'm looking for, thank you. [ walks away ] [ ext. Beach Day ] [ SUPER: Alan Unqualified Nude Beach Lifeguard ] Alan: (Forte) I'm not good with touching people. It's just [ shivers ] I can't do it. Hypothetically, if I was ever in a situation where someone else's life depended on me touching them, I just don't know if I could go through with it. [ awkward pause ] Could you move your feet? You're a little close. [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
