|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Announcer.....Don Pardo .....Amy Poehler .....Jon Heder President Bush…Will Forte Bill Buckner.....Seth Meyers The Darkness... JB Smoove Announcer: From Studio 8H, in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler…with special guest co-anchor Jon Heder. Amy Poehler: Good evening. I’m Amy Poehler. Tina Fey is still on maternity leave. Joining me in her place is practicing moron Jon Heder. Jon Heder: Thank you for having me here, Amy. Amy Poehler: Good to have you here! Here are tonight’s top stories! Merck & Co., the corporation which has been in hot water over the series of “Vioxx” lawsuits, announced this week that their new and improved cervical cancer vaccine has been proven effective. A spokesperson for Merck commented further, saying, “…and when we say effective, we mean it might work, it might not. So, please, FOR THE LOVE GOD, DON’T SUE US!” President Bush has completed his nominations for retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O?Connor and has talked them over with the Senate. Some of the nominations include Tom Cruise, Oprah Winfrey and the guy who says, ?Can you hear me now?? on the phone commercials. However, Bush is adamant in finding someone in her family, and has pushed hard to get her cold, bald Irish grandniece. (picture of Sinead O?Connor) Harriet Miers, President Bush's newest Supreme Court nominee, has been in the lime-light this week. Here is what we know about her. She's a 60 year old woman who has never been married and never had any children. Movie producers are all over her to star in a new film, "The 60-Year-Old Virgin", coming soon to a theatre near you! In Hollywood pregnancy news, it was announced this week that Katie Holmes is pregnant with Tom Cruise's child. Although some doubted that Cruise could actually be the father, it was confimed yesterday by Holmes' gynocologist when he told reporters, "Tom Cruise has got to be the father since the fetus has already begun bouncing around its mother's womb like an idiot." "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" devoted its entire hour on Thursday night to the band U2. Not to be outdone, on Monday "The Tony Danza Show" will devote its entire hour to Yanni. "Serenity," a movie spin-off of the short-lived television series "Firefly," exceeded expectations and came in second at the box office last weekend. However, it should be noted that the trailers confused some movie-goers into believing that the movie was actually something that hadn't been seen in almost twenty-five years...a good "Star Wars" movie. Amy Poehler: The leader of the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas has stated that if they have a large win in the January parlimentary elections, they will impose laws severely restricting homosexual rights, calling gays "perverts" and "mentally and morally sick." So, any of you Israel haters still gonna call these nuts "freedom fighters?" London developers have announced that they will open a multimedia, theme park-like museum dedicated to sex that will help visitors learn how to be better lovers, and educate them about sexual disorders and diseases. And you should see what they have planned for their interactive exhibits. (grins) Jon Heder: The British Ministry of Fun recently enacted a new code to regulate the appearance and behavior of Santa performers. The code states that a proper santa must, among other things, be neatly presentable, not smell of drink or body odor, and be able to wrangle nine reindeer in half a minute. A court in Singapore fined and jailed two Chinese immigrants for posting racially derogatory remarks about Malays and Muslims online. The judge who passed sentence told them that they must realize that racial and religious slurs are capable of causing social disorder, then added, "So next time think before you act, you dumb chinks!" This week the Ig Nobels, an award society celebrating humorous and odd scientific achievements, gave the prize for medicine to Gregg Miller, the inventor of prosthetic dog testicles. Congratulations Mr. Miller, you are literally on the ball. And now here with a commentary is the president of the United States, George W. Bush. George W. Bush: Hello. And thank you. America, we have been hit. Hurricane Katrina and Hurricane Rita. Hey, they rhyme! But, we must also focus on Iraq. The world is shacks and shambles. New Orleans and Iraq, and most importantly, Texas! The Astrodome looks like a black person’s “crib”. Crib, that’s what the black people call their crack houses. I loved the Astrodome. I use go watch Nolan Ryan play there. I like baseball. With the balls and the strikes and the outs and the sacrifice flies! Which brings me to my next point. The American people must and will make sacrifices. There are certain things the American people will be without, for quite some time. One, the American people will be without Starbucks, because the Iraqi people NEED coffee! Yes, they need overrated, high prices coffee! Two, the American people will be without Internet porn, because the Iraqis need it…and they need it badly! America, we will get through it. If we just each other a hand, we will all come together. (Laughs) That’s a joke! (Seriously) United we stand! Freedom! Courage! And lastly, Chris O’Donnell and Adam Goldberg will be sent to Iraq. I figure if FOX won’t let them entertain the American people, then we must allow them to entertain the Iraqi people. It just makes sense. I mean “Head Cases” wasn’t bad. It wasn’t “House” or “The O.C.”…Heck, it wasn’t even a Family Guy. I like Family Guy. Because I actually understand and laugh at some of the jokes! (Seriously) Everything is going to be okay! Trust me on this! I am reminded of the words from the great REO Speed Wagon. Ride the storm out! Riding the storm out! Amy Poehler: George W. Bush everyone! Nearly 300 employees of Wal-Mart stores in Florida have created an association to speak out against the retail giant stating the company?s reduced hours and constant changing of schedules. But, what they were most upset about was what they got in their paychecks. (picture of yellow smiley face holding up blurred middle finger with sign that says, ?You will work and you will like it.?) The White House has criticized William Bennett, former Education Secretary for his remarks on having black babies aborted would be effective in diminishing the crime rate. This ridiculous comment has insulted every rational thinking human being on the face of the planet, especially since one of our president?s did very well with himself. (picture of extra playing Thomas Jefferson holding a number of black babies) Bennett is also candidate for Jackass of the Year. Congrats, Mr. Bennett. (shown tacking on his photo on a wall with pictures of George W. Bush, Michael Brown, Tom Cruise, and many others which are impossible to see) A case has been started as to a group of orphanage kids who were used for a sick project in which the kids became long-termed stutterers. Some of the victims include a janitor worker from New York, a butcher from New Jersey, and this pig. (picture of Porky Pig) President Bush in an effort to desist his sharp decline in American support in anything he does, said Thursday that Islamic terrorists are seeking to "enslave whole nations" and that is a reason to stay in Iraq and go over there until we are victorious. "We never back down," said Bush, "even if we don't win." A woman was kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight to Los Angeles after several passengers complained about a message on her shirt. The woman is now suing in a civil rights case for freedom of speech and plain inconvenience for the woman. It should be noted that the line on her clothing said, "I died in a fiery plane crash in Reno that killed several hundreds of people on the flight and a number of gamblers in the downtown area of casinos and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!" Daytime talk show host Regis Philbin is releasing "The Regis Philbin Christmas Album" for the holidays with three dozen songs dealing with Christmastime. What you will lose in this purchase: $20. What you will gain: Haunting memories of actually purchasing the item. The Tudor style mansion that served as Wayne Manor for the 60s series "Batman" was totally damaged in a fire this past week. Batman star Adam West commented on the incident, even though he was not contacted to speak. An earthquake in Pakistan, killed 19, late this week. The earthquake was met with more Red Cross volunteers jumping to the scene, pondering the question - "Can you believe Nick & Jessica broke-up?" Karl Rove said on Friday that he was not involved in the CIA leak. In a related story, the Easter bunny is real! 80's pop singer Boy George was arrested on Friday on a drug charge. Well, I guess it's true, everything is not what you see. (Jon & Amy sway back and forth as Culture Club's "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?" plays) Amy Poehler: The Boston Red Sox suffered a huge loss Wednesday in their ALDS game against the Chicago White Sox, after a supposed double play ball went under second baseman Tony Graffanino's legs, which then caused the three-run homer that won the game. Here to talk about this tragic loss is former Red Sox first baseman Bill Buckner. (Bill Buckner comes out with moustache and normal clothing) Bill Buckner: Hi, everyone. Bill Buckner, here. After the Sox won the 2004 World Series, my life has been better than it has ever been. People sending flowers to me about how much they are sorry that have booed for nearly fifteen years. Getting cards with money in it, which is always a gift in itself, telling me how awful they feel that they made my life a living hell. It's truly been great. What Tony Graffanino did may be the biggest mistake of his life. Believe me, I know. My career after a simple ground ball going under me has been kaput in the baseball industry. My team said that it wasn't my fault that we lost the World Series in '86, but everytime I turned around, it sounded like someone punching their locker, screaming at the top of their lungs, "That f'ing Buckner." It was probably just in my mind, since I seemed to be losing it at that point. Anyway, Graff, the loss of the ALDS will be on your shoulders, bud. And get ready for torment that you wouldn't believe. When I went back to my hometown, I suffered a series of troubling, disturbing events that will never leave my psyche any time soon, and I wouldn't want to talk about it. There was the time I went downtown and high school kids started chucking rocks at me, or the time I went to the grocery store and all of the customers started chucking food at me mostly heavy cheese and frozen foods, or the time I went past the old folks' home and they started chucking their plentiful amount of pill bottles at me. I could talk about when I foiled a robbery on the street, and when I helped the woman from the ground she maced me anyway, saying how easy it was to pick up a ball like that. I could talk about the time when I played mall Santa Claus and kids told their parents how they could, just by intuition, smell the stench of failure. I could even mention the time I met up with a priest for any type of salvation, and how he replied with an emphatic "no" and that a cross-bound Jesus Christ could've made the play better. All in all, a tough fourteen years, but I have gotten by, and my reputation has cleared since the Red Sox won. Graff, you are going to go through some tough times, and I'll be here for you. If you need to talk to me, I clean pools in the Boston area, and sometimes make my living coaching girl's softball, where a play like I did, isn't as bad. Thank you. Amy Poehler: Bill Buckner, ladies and gentlemen. Jon Heder: Honda has designed the first ever dog friendly car! You know... they predicted in the 50's that by 2005 we’d have flying cars. But no... instead we have cars with special pouches for dogs. Because in this day in age, dogs are a man’s best friend. Their pissing, pooing, hairy, ungrateful friends! Jon Heder: On Thursday, NYC officials increased subway security after receiving warnings of a possible terrorist attack. I’m cool with safer trains, but how about cleaner trains. I think the smell of dead hobos and urine is a bigger threat than the 200th false terrorist attack warning! Amy Poehler: This just in... a company called LIFEGEM can take cremated body remains and use the carbon to create diamonds! So I guess the next time some hippy comes up to you and brings you down with the horrors of the African Mining Industry. You can just ignore him, coz your wedding ring will be all natural! Amy Poehler: Studies show that listening to music on your I-POD for excessive amounts of time leads to ear infections and hearing loss. When asked to comment on this, one high school student said... "What! I can’t hear you?" A poll this week by the Associated Press revealed that female voters are worried about the direction the nation is headed and disappointed with President Bush’s performance. Hearing this, Bush bolted into action, attempting to bar women the right to vote. A Rolling Stone concert in Charlottesville, Virginia, on Thursday, was stopped when a bomb threat was called in the area. Authorities called in “bomb sniffing dogs”, but all they found was containers of Preparation H and Bengay. “Aunt Jamima” and “Uncle Ben” are getting a divorce! Yes, it was revealed that Uncle Ben was caught in a “sticky” situation with “Mrs. Butterworth”. “Duncan Hines” & “Betty Crocker” announced they are getting married at the end of the calendar year. “Betty Crocker” commented on the engagement, saying, “It’s about time! After waiting for the oven to preheat, finally, we can go into the oven, together!” Volvo is in the works, developing a car geared towards female drivers. Volvo expects the car to sell well with female drivers and Clay Aiken! You know it’s played out when Kanye West is referencing “I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico” in one of his songs. Singer Melissa Etheridge says she's working on a sitcom for ABC. The show, still in development, is about, as Etheridge put it, "what my life might have been like had I not left to find my fame and fortune, and stayed in Kansas and became a teacher and been gay and dealt with life there". Maybe it’s just me, but isn’t that the show Ellen Degeneres had on ABC before she came out of the closet? Actress Courtney Cox said this week that she “will be there for” Jennifer Aniston, comforting her over her recent divorce from Brad Pitt. Wow! I wonder if they are really friends? Courtney Cox said she feels sorry for Aniston. She’s willing to help, just as long as she doesn’t get a callback for that CBS “made for TV movie” about the famous TV actress who has an earth-shattering divorce from another big Hollywood star. Paris Hilton said in an interview this week that she’s not ready for marriage and that was why she broke off her engagement to Paris Latsis. Paris, did you say like 2 months ago, you wanted to quit showbiz or whatever the hell you do and become a soccer MILF? Man, you must change your mind like the way people change their underwear! Oh, right! I forgot you don’t wear underwear! Actor George Clooney said in an interview this week that he refuses to sleep in the master bedroom in his new Italian villa because it’s “too big for me”. Asked to comment, comedy writer Mark Jennings Reese II said, “Hey George, I sleep on a single twin bed mattress in an empty white room with a blanket over the window. Wanna trade?” Tara Reid said this week that she is so distraught with what people in the media are saying about her. She is so mad that she has fired her publicist because she thinks her publicist is the one who made her out to be a drunken party girl. Hey Tara Reid, get used to this saying, “I’ll take Tara Reid to block!” Renee Zellweger is set to star in a remake of the Hong Kong horror film “The Eye”. But first she must learn to open her eyes, and keep them open for at least 10 seconds. Actress Sharon Stone defended Kate Moss this week, saying that Moss has learned that drug use is a mistake. Hey Sharon, didn’t you learn that you are supposed to wear panties if they are going to film a crotch shot? That’s what I thought! On Friday Boy George was arrested on suspicion of possessing drugs, after officers searched his mansion and found amounts of cocaine. When asked if these drugs may have been planted one officer stated "Jeez, that freak’s got more wax on his face than a candle factory, he’s like a role model for the perfect drug addict" "There’s a higher chance of Karma Chameleon becoming the National Anthem than these drugs being planted!" (Suddenly, The Darkness walks onto the WU set. He’s got on black shades, along with black pants and black coat.) The Darkness: Where’s my negro brother Kanye West! Hey Kanye, black power will YU-NI-FYE US! I said... where’s my man Kanye! Amy Poehler: Uh... Mr. "The Darkness" that was last week. Kanye West is not here this week! Darkness: Listen white lady... I don’t talk like that around here. I am The Darkness, I need some answers not bull-doodle. I’ve been hearing bull-doodle from the white man all my life. Amy Poehler: Bull doodle? Darkness:(looks at Jon) Hey honky, no where I can hook up with the hash? Jon Heder: No... why does everyone think that I’m a stoner? Amy Poehler: I think every single newspaper covers our schedule. How could you not know that Kanye West was going to appear last week? Wait don’t tell me... is it because they only make newspapers in white? The Darkness: I don’t go out on the 1st of every month. The number 1 is evil in the eyes of The Darkness. There’s would be only one white slave-driver on the cotton fields at a time. Only one REPO man would come to a black man’s apartment, and he only needed 2 more payments. I said, 2 MORE PAYMENTS! And there’s only one Grand Wizard in the Klan. Amy Poehler: Great, you’re just another one of those crazy coalition types. Don’t you realize it’s the racists, you guys should attack. Telling us about how much the white man has oppressed you, will help no one! Why don’t you just go invade the KKK or something. The Darkness: Ah... but I plan to infiltrate the racist man’s lair, the KKK! I will uncover the evil of the cracker! I was going to use Kanye to get to the KKK. But since he’s not here, I’ll just announce it here... I have made my own klan sheets and I plan to become a fake member. (Pulls out a large black sheet, with hood and everything) Amy Poehler: Uh... I think you’re going to stand out with a black hood and sheet. The Darkness: I can’t get a white Klan outfit, it would be unworthy for me to give up my blackness just to infiltrate a Klan meeting. Amy Poehler: You won’t be out there for long. The Darkness: Hey... if anyone gets suspicious, I tell them I’ve had a laundry accident. I mean after 200 years, I’m sure one Klan member accidently mixed his sheets in with the darks. And if they catch me without my hood, I’ll tell them I got a sun tan. I’ll tell ‘em that it’s cool to be tan in the Klan. Jon Heder: Tan in the Klan... wow! More power to you "The Darkness" The Darkness: That’s right brotha! More power to me, POWAH TO THE PEOPLE! You are the 2nd coolest white man I’ve ever met. Amy Poehler: Second coolest, you mean you actually like more than one white person? Darkness: Yeah, man I love that 40 year old virgin dude... is he here tonight? Amy Poehler: His name is Steve Carrell and he was here last week also. Darkness: Too bad, because I love his show My Name is Earl, they even got a brother on the show! Amy Poehler: Wow... The Darkness everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler. Jon Heder: And I’m Steve Carell saying… Amy & Jon: Good night and have pleasant tomorrow. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
