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Susie...Amy Poehler Frankie...Seth Meyers Bobby...Jon Heder Mr. Gertrude...Chris Parnell Announcer...Darrell Hammond [SCENE: Frankie and Bobby's apartment. Susie, their new roommate, has just moved in and is speaking with Frankie and Bobby.] Susie: [enthusiastically] Hey, I just want to thank you guys for letting me live with you. I mean, this apartment is just fifteen minutes from my work, it's in a safe area, and it's well-lit at night! You can't ask for more than that! It's amazing! Thank you so much! You have my word that I will always pay my share of the rent on time. And, I promise to always put the toilet-seat down after I use the restroom. [They all laugh at Susie's joke] Frankie: Oh, don't worry about it, Susie. Bobby and I have actually been looking for a roommate for quite a wihle, so we're glad the search is finally over. Susie: [surprised] Oh really? I don't know why you guys would have trouble finding a roommate. Bobby: Oh, well, there's actually a good reason for that. See, this building adheres to a strict "Vegans-only" policy. Susie: [confused] What?! [upset] But I'm not a vegan! Frankie: Calm down, it's okay. We know you're not. It's just that we couldn't find a vegan who wanted to live with us, so we decided to settle for you since you were the best non-vegan candidate. Plus, you're hot, so that tipped the scales in your favor. But, now that you're living here, you're going to have to become a strict vegan. We can't even see any non-vegan stuff or else we'll freak out. Got that? Susie: [calming down] Uh, okay. Nice of you to tell me at the last possible minute. But, I guess it won't be too hard. I mean, I've been meaning to change my eating habits, so I guess this could turn out to be a good thing. Bobby: Yeah, that's a great way of thinking. Don't worry, this will turn out perfectly for all of us. [SCENE: The apartment; Weeks later. Susie has just arrived home from a Saturday outing. Frankie and Bobby are seated on the couch playing a video game.] Susie: Hey, guys. How's it going? Bobby: Not to bad, Susie-Q. Just kicking Frankie's ass in Mortal Kombat 12: The Death and Rebirth and Death and Rebirth of Liu Kang's Nephew Twice-Removed. Frankie: Yeah, well, in my defense, it is only my three hundred and twenty-first time playing this game. [pause] Wait, what's that smell? Susie: [nervously] I don't smell anything... Bobby: [sniffing the air] No, I smell it too. It smells like...hamburger breath! Susie: [quickly] No it doesn't! Frankie: Yes, it does! [Frankie gets up from the couch and sniffs the area in front of Susie's face.] Frankie: [outraged] Susie, you DO have hamburger breath! You ate a hamburger! How could you?! Susie: [sobbing] I'm sorry! I was just in a hurry and the McDonalds was the only thing in the area and... Bobby: [disgusted] I think I'm going to be sick! [Bobby retches and then throws up onto the floor] Frankie: [wearily] Me too! [Frankie throws up onto the floor] Susie: [disgusted] Ew, gross! Look, I'm really sorry, guys! It won't happen again! I'll go get a mop and clean all of this up! [SCENE: The apartment; Friday afternoon. Susie enters with a bottle wrapped in a brown paperbag. Bobby is sitting on the couch reading a magzine while Frankie sits at his desk working.] [Frankie looks up from his work and notices Susie] Frankie: Oh, going to have a little happy hour tonight? Susie: Yeah, definitely. It's been a long work week and I think I need a few shots to get my weekend started off right. Frankie: [nodding his head] Sounds like a good idea to me. [Bobby looks up from his magazine and extends his arm out] Bobby: Hey, let me have a hit of that, Susie. I could use a jolt. Susie: [quickly] Oh, you don't want any of this.... Bobby: Sure, I do. Let me have some. Susie: [pleading] But... Bobby: Come on, no games when it comes to alcohol. Hand it over! [Bobby gets up and grabs the bottle from out of Susie's grasp. He opens the top of the bag, and takes a swig. He swallows it and then instantly gags and spits it out.] Bobby: [disgusted] This isn't alcohol! It's milk! Frankie: [shocked] Milk? You brought milk into our home? Actual milk? Susie: [begging] I'm sorry, I'm sorry! My doctor said that I need to get more calcium or else my bones will turn to dust. I'm sorry! It won't happen again! Bobby: [angrily wiping his mouth] See that it doesn't. [muttering under his breath] Bitch. [SCENE: The apartment; The middle of the night. Bobby and Frankie are asleep in their rooms when they are awakened by a knock at the front door.] [Frankie and Bobby run out of their rooms in their pajamas. Frankie opens the door to find Susie standing there with their landlord Mr. Gertrude.] Frankie: [shocked] Mr. Gertrude? Susie?! What's going on? Mr. Gertrude: I caught her outside of the building. She was with a dealer. The dealer got away, but I managed to catch her pretty easily. Since this is her first offense, I'm going to let her off with just a warning, but if it happens again, I'm going to have to call the police. Frankie: Wow, thanks, Mr. Gertrude. We'll talk some sense into her. Bobby: Yeah, we certainly will. But what exactly was she trying to buy from the dealer? Coke? Heroin? Mr. Gertrude: Oh, I'm afraid it's worse than that, boys. She was trying to buy this... [Mr. Gertrude reaches into a plastic bag that he's carrying and pulls out a Baskin Robbins ice cream container.] Frankie: [shocked] Susie, how could you?! Susie: I'm sorry! It's just that I haven't had any ice cream in such a long time. I'd forgotten what it tastes like. [sighing] That cooling sensation on the tongue... Frankie: [angered] Get your dairy-eating ass in here! [Susie enters the apartment] Bobby: We're really sorry, Mr. Gertrude. We'll read her the riot act. Mr. Gertrude: See that you do, boys. Good night. [Mr. Gertrude leaves as Bobby closes the door behind him] Bobby: I don't know what we're going to do with you, Susie. Frankie: Let's give her one more chance. [to Susie] One more screw-up and you're out of here. Got that? Susie: [quietly] Yes. Frankie: Good. [muttering under his breath] Bitch. [SCENE: The apartment; Weeks later. Frankie is lying down on the couch watching television when Susie enters carrying a gift-wrapped box.] Frankie: Hey, Susie. Susie: Hey, Frank. Is Bobby here? [excitedly] There's something that I've got to show you guys! Frankie: Oh, he's out at the store, but he should be back any minute. Susie: Oh okay. [pause] Well, I don't think I can wait. Check out this hilarious gag gift that the gang at the office gave me to celebrate my new promotion! [Susie removes the lid to the gift-wrapped box and pulls out a Billy Bass.] Susie: It's one of those Billy Bass things. What you do is... Frankie: [screaming] Ahh! Get it away from me! Get it away from me! Susie: [confused] What?! [understanding] Oh, it's not a real fish, silly! It's just a toy! Frankie: [continuing to scream] Doesn't matter! Ahh! Ahh! [Suddenly, Bobby walks in] Bobby: Hey, what's going on? [Bobby notices the Billy Bass] Bobby: [screaming] Ah! Ah! No! Not again! Damn you, Billy Bass! Damn you! [Susie slaps her forehead out of frustration as Bobby and Frankie wither in pain] Susie: You know, I think this is the point where I've had enough. I may have lost thirty-five pounds in the thirteen weeks that I've been living with you guys, but it's just not worth it. Your vegan lifestyle is just too much for me to deal with. So, I guess this is it. Bye. [Susie turns to leave, but she pauses for a moment. She then walks over to the Billy Bass and presses the button to activate it, causing Bobby and Frankie to freak out even more. She smiles to herself and walks out triumphantly.] [Cut to a GRAPHIC of Frankie and Bobby's apartment building] Announcer (VO): Are you a vegan looking for a place to live in the metro area? If so, call Frankie and Bobby at (123) 456-7890. Level-nine vegans need only apply. Women are preferred, particularly hot ones. [FADE OUT] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
