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Harvey…Finesse Mitchell Ant…Chris Parnell Nicole Richie…Rachel Dratch Tara Reid…Catherine Zeta-Jones Lindsay Lohan…Amy Poehler Paris Hilton…Tina Fey Clay Aiken…Fred Armisen (Fade in) Ant: (voice over) Welcome to the beginning of a new season of “Celebrity Fit Club”. This season, VH1 and Harvey, the angry black guy, decided, instead of taking fat washed-up actors and making them slim down; let’s do something a little different. We’re taking 5 of the skinniest, wafer-like female celebrities in Hollywood, and actually making them put on pounds, in a new season, we like to call, “Celebrity Fit Club 3: Packing On The LBS!” This is going to be interesting. On day one, Harvey got the fatty hopefuls off to the races! (Cut to Harvey and the skinny celebrities walking into a McDonald’s) Harvey: All right toothpicks, welcome to McDonald’s. Our first challenge is to see who can eat the most McDonald’s without puking. Go! (Cut to a montage of the celebrities ordering, eating and all of them puking) Ant: What do you think of this, so far, Harvey? Harvey: Oh, I’m loving this! (Laughs) Ant: (voice over) Harvey wanted to get right to the first weigh in. And the results were shocking! (Cut to footage of the first weigh in) Harvey: All right, Paris Hilton…we set a weigh goal for you to gain 13 pounds. Let’s see how you did! Paris Hilton: That’s hot, Harvey! (Paris sets on the scale) Harvey: Yeah, I hope it is. (Shocked) What the hell! This is a sad day, man! Paris, you lost 34 pounds! How the (beep) is that possible? Paris Hilton: That’s totally hot! Harvey: Explain yourself, you goddamn slut-rag! Paris Hilton: I don’t know. I suck a lot of dongs. I guess that’s how I lose some much weight. Harvey: That’s it, you little dirty bitch! (Cut to Clay Aiken walking up to the scale) Clay Aiken: Hello, Harvey! Harvey: What’s your story, Kelly Clarkson? Clay Aiken: I’m not Kelly Clarkson. I’m Clay Aiken. But that’s okay, Harvey. You can call me whatever you want. Harvey: Step on the scale, you (beep)-in’ dildo! (Clay steps on the scale) What the (beep)! You lost 22 pounds! Explain yourself! Clay Aiken: Well, kind of like what Paris said, I suck a lot of dongs. That’s how I stay fit. See you after the show, Harvey? Ant: (voiceover) That’s it for this edition of “Celebrity Fit Club 3: Packing On The LBS”. And remember, I’m homosexual, but that does make me any less funny. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
