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Harvey…Finesse Mitchell …Calista Flockhart Ant…Chris Parnell Nicole Richie…Rachel Dratch Tara Reid…Catherine Zeta-Jones Lindsay Lohan…Amy Poehler Paris Hilton…Tina Fey Clay Aiken…Fred Armisen (Fade in) Ant: (voice over) Welcome back to “Celebrity Fit Club 3: Packing On The LBS”. On our last show, Harvey was astounded to discover that skinny people who throw up a lot, lose weigh quick and in great volumes. Harvey wanted to stop that. This week, he brought in an anorexic specialist, actress Calista Flockhart. (Cut to the skinny celebrities surrounding Calista) Calista Flockhart: Ladies, you need to be yourselves. Look at Ellen DeGeneres. She’s free. She dances. She’s happy. Do you know how she maintains her comfortable weight? She eats a lot “munchable-rug” size meals with her girlfriend Portia De Rossi. She’s happy. Be like Ellen, but remember to be yourself. Ant: (voice over) But, it didn’t seem that Calista’s advice worked completely, as it seems all of our skinny celebrities became lesbians, with the exception of Clay Aiken, who was already a lesbian when “Celebrity Fit Club” started. Now, it’s time for the second weigh-in. (Cut to The Second Weigh-in) Harvey: Nicole Richie, you’re up. (Nicole steps on the scale) Harvey: VH1, what the (beep)! They give me a new contract, and what do they do, they give a scale that doesn’t (beep)-in’ work! What the (beep)! Nicole Richie: Harvey, I don’t think it’s the scale. I don’t weigh anything. Calista Flockhart: Nicole, how do you think this happened? Do you have any clue? Nicole Richie: I think it could have something to do with that time on “The Simple Life” when I stuck my arm up a cow’s ass. Calista Flockhart: Nicole, do we know where your breasts have gone? Nicole Richie: I don’t know where they went! I’ve been checking every “lost and found” in Hollywood. Nothing has come up! Harvey: Nicole, that is (beep)-in sad! Ant: (voiceover) That’s it for this edition of “Celebrity Fit Club 3: Packing On The LBS”. And remember, if you’ve seen Nicole Richie’s breasts, please call this number. (SUPER: 1-900-MISSING-MY-TITS) (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
