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Father...Jason Sudeikis Mother...Amy Poehler Jake...Bill Hader Mike...Andy Samberg Victoria...Catherine Zeta-Jones (shot of the front of car with father driving, mother in passenger seat and kids in the back) Father: Well, kids, I hope you’re happy. Mother: Now, honey, please....It’s been a rough week. Father: We can kiss ever going on vacation again, goodbye. Jake: Hey, it’s not my fault that that guy in the Mickey Mouse costume didn’t know how to swim? Father: It wasn’t that, Jake. It’s that he couldn’t move in the heavy padding. And, Mike, could you do me a favor, and don’t put anybody’s lives in danger anymore? Mike: I thought changing the heights for the rides from five feet to two feet would make it more enjoyable. And give kids a chance to ride. Father: Great idea. Mother: Look at that. (pointing) Is that a hitchhiker? Father: I think so, honey. My God! She’s beautiful. Just gorgeous. Mike: Pick her up, Dad. Mother: Oh, don’t. Hitchhikers are so dangerous. Father: Oh, come on, Sara. It’s a woman in a red dress. What harm could she do? (car pulls over and as stock footage rolls, a beautiful woman enters and sits between the two boys in the back) Jake: Wow, she’s a hottie. Victoria: Hello, I’m Victoria. Thank you for giving me a lift. Mike: The feeling is mutual. Father: So, where you headed? Victoria: About five miles down this stretch of highway, thanks. Father: Okay. (shows two boys rubbing up against Victoria and ogling her with love in their eyes) Jake: What’s your name? Victoria: Victoria. Father: We don’t see too many women in dresses on the road trying to get a ride. Victoria: Well, you don’t know me. Mother: It just seems a little strange, that’s all. (Victoria gets an evil look in her eye) Victoria: Are you calling me a weirdo? Mother: No....no...I..... Victoria: I find it very troubling when people make light of my predicaments. It makes me so angry, and I do things that you wouldn’t expect a woman of my physique or exquisite beauty to do. Mother: I’m sorry. (male family members are still awestruck and ignore Victoria’s threats) Father: I have to admit, you are a truly ravishing lady. Victoria: Why thank you. Mother: Hey! Father: What? A man can’t express his emotion toward a woman like this? Mike: You truly are breathtaking. Victoria: Thank you. You are too kind. It’s almost a shame that I almost got this dress ruined after being picked up by a family just like you. Jake: Why’s that? Victoria: Just a bit of an accident I had with them. Mother: Huh? Father: Well, you look great, anyway. Victoria: Say, you wouldn’t happen to have anything like club soda and salt or anything like that? Father: No, why. Victoria: Well, I have blood all over my white shoes here. The only thing that may get the stain out is club soda. Father: Ah, sorry. We don’t Mike: We would give it to you if we had any. Jake: Yeah, sorry. (mother gets very nervous) Mother: Blood? Mike: Mom, stop asking intrusive questions. Jake: She doesn’t have to explain where she got the stains. Victoria: Your mother is getting on my nerves. Father: Ignore her. Now, are you a model? Victoria: Oh-ho-ho. You are all so flattering. Actually, you could say I live my life out on the road here. Father: Really? Mother: I don’t believe it. (Victoria gets angry again) Victoria: Are you calling me a liar? Mother: No....I... Victoria: There is nothing worse than someone calling me a liar. I AM NOT A LIAR!!!!!!! Mother: I didn’t mean to.... Jake: Is this silk? Victoria: Why, yes, it is. I hope you don’t mind, but I would like to take a quick nap. Father: No problem. (Victoria lays back, and hurting sons are trying not to give in to their temptations) Mother: Honey. Father: Yeah? Mother: There is something really strange about this woman. Father: Oh, what? Because you were so rude to her, and she lashed out on you, there’s something wrong with her? Mother: It’s not that. The blood on the shoes, her living out here? Father: Oh, grow up. Mother: Well.....what if she was a guy, huh? Just a guy with a beard saying all of these things? I think you would think twice before letting him stay in the car, right? Father: Yeah, but this is a girl. And she is HOT!!!! (mother looks at him angrily) Father: But not as hot as you, hon! Come on, lighten up. Mother: You’re right. Mike: Whoops. (Victoria wakes up) Victoria: What is it? Mike: Oh, you dropped your machete. It was in that bag. Jake: Machete? Father: Omigod!!!!! (Victoria looks nervous) Jake: Dad, is this not the most coolest woman you have ever seen? Father: Uh-huh. Mike: Machete, wow. This is awesome. Victoria: Uh, you can keep it. I should get out here. Bye, boys. (Victoria puts her hands on their laps and then puts her hands on the father as a sign of thanks; after she leaves, they all shiver with delight) Mother: Thank God she’s gone. Father: Wow. Incredible. (car drives off) Jake: Oh no. Mother: What is it? Mike: That hottie left her bag here. (boys open bag) Jake: Omigod! It’s a head!!!!!! Everyone: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Mother: I told you she was crazy. Father: I’m sorry. She seemed so nice. (everyone is scared until Jake finds some photos) Jake: And naked photos of her! (Mike and father both jump for the photos) Mike: I got dibs! Father: No, I do. Gimme. (father swerves the car a bit, then mother takes control of the wheel as boys argue over the pictures) (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
