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…Don Pardo (voice) …Catherine Zeta-Jones …Michael Douglas Kirk Douglas…Dana Carvey (cameo) …Lorne Michaels Don Pardo: Ladies and gentleman, Catherine Zeta-Jones! Catherine Zeta-Jones: Wow! Thank you! Thank you! It is truly an honor to be hosting Saturday Night Live! This has been a great week here in New York City. I’m promoting my new movie, “The Legend of Zorro”. And I’m so happy! My husband is here to see me host the show! Michael! (Cut to a shot of Michael Douglas in the front row) I’m very happy to be hosting, because it’s been a dream of mine since I was a little girl in Wales with a heart and a dream! Which is a lot like my character in the new “Zorro” movie! Michael Douglas: No! No! No! You’re doing it all wrong! Catherine Zeta-Jones: Honey? I thought we agreed you weren’t going to interrupt me doing the show! Michael Douglas: You have to be less “throwy” with your promotions. You wear a polyester jacket while you host…like I did when I hosted back in 1984! You guys remember that! Catherine Zeta-Jones: Look, honey, they get it! You hosted SNL years ago! Now, I’d like to carry on with my monologue before you turn it into a train wreck…like our last film together! Michael Douglas: Fine, I won’t step on your shoes! If you need my help, you know where to find me! Catherine Zeta-Jones: Well, thank you, darling! But I think I’ll be all right! (Back to the monologue) A lot of people have a preconceived notion about me, because I married Michael Douglas, a man twice my age. We are in love…despite what the tabloids might say about us! Age is just a number. It doesn’t really mean a thing…until the Viagra kicks in! Before Michael, I loved much much older men! (A haggard, older man in the form of Kirk Douglas enters the stage) Kirk Douglas: Hold it folks! She’s talking about me! Michael Douglas: (shocked) DAD! Kirk Douglas: That’s right, son! I had this sweet Welch pop tart back when you were still dealing with Demi Moore in “Disclosure”! Who’s ever heard of “a man being sexual harassed by a woman”! Catherine Zeta-Jones: He was my original SUGAR DADDY! Michael Douglas: (Shocked) Oh my god! How many other older guys have you slept with? (Enter Lorne Michaels) Lorne Michaels: Uh, this a bit awkward (pause) I banged her once too… Michael Douglas: Lorne! Lorne Michaels: Yeah! It was right after the “Entrapment” premiere! Catherine Zeta-Jones: I remember that night! Michael Douglas: Catherine, why would you do that? Lorne Michaels: Well, why do you think I let her host? Michael Douglas: Goddamn! Who? Who else has slept with my wife? (Cut to a lineup of SNL crew personnel raising their hands) Don Pardo (voice): And don’t forget about me, Michael! I banged Catherine in my announcer’s booth twice! She really liked it, too! Michael Douglas: Oh dear god. I never thought I'd be the one ask this..but why do keep banging older guys? Catherine: Oh, it's not just them. Uh, Alex.... (Enter Franz Ferdinand lead singer Alex Kapranos) Alex Kapranos: I hate to break to you, but we've done it, too! Actually the whole band! Michael Douglas: Oh my god, why? Alex Kapranos: Well I asked her if she wanted to go where I've never let her before and she was all up for it! Michael Douglas: I feel so used and degraded! Catherine Zeta-Jones: Well, now that Michael knows, the pressure is off! Now, we can get on with the rest of the show! We have an amazing show for you! Franz Ferninand are here! Yeah! Stick around! We’ll be right back! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
