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Jerry Hargatin.....Will Forte Boss.....Seth Meyers Sarah.....Katherine Zeta Jones [ open on interior, sales room, Diable Surge Co. Top salesman, on the phone. ] Jerry Hargatin: ..and I think you'll find that, in the first year, the Diablo Surge Suppression device will pay for itself, with over $2,000 in savings on your electricity bill. Excellent. I'll patch you through to our processing department. [ hangs up the phone and begins to pat himself on the back ] Good job, boy, hey. [ the Boss enters with new employee Sarah ] Boss: Let me guess. Our top salesman just sold another surge suppression device? Jerry Hargatin: You keep setting 'em up, and I'll sit back and knock 'em down. Boss: Alright, good job. [ to Sarah ] I'll tell you - this guy never misses a sale. He can call anybody out of the blue and sell one of our surge suppression devices. If I wasn't the boss around here, I'd kneel in front of his presence. Sarah: That's quite a testimonial. If he were a woman, I bet you really would kneel down before him. Boss: I kneel before no woman. Just ask any of my four ex-wives. [ to Jerry ] Anyhoo.. Jerry, I'd like you to meet Sarah. She's going to be your new sales assistant, which should lighten the work load on our processing department. Jerry Hargatin: They have been begging for relief. Not that I don't get a kick out of their human suffering. Boss: Right you are. I'm going to leave Sarah in your hands, and you'll demonstrate to her why you're our top sales guy. [ Boss exits the room ] Sarah: I'm really looking forward to working for someone as talented as you. I'm sure there's lots I could learn from you. Jerry Hargatin: I wouldn't doubt it. What's important to keep in mind about the Diablo Surge Co. is that I've been the top sales associate for fifteen months in a row. The amazing part is, I've only been working here for a year. Sarah: How were you the top sales associate for three months before you started working at Diablo? Jerry Hargatin: [ smugly ] Because I'm just that good! now, if you're ready, I'll demonstrate why I'm the best in the sales biz around here. [ pulls a small card from atop a stack of similar-sized cards on his desk, then reaches for the phone ] Sarah: What's that? Jerry Hargatin: Wow, you really do have a lot to learn, Sarah. That's a telephone. Sarah: No, I meant what's that stack of cards. Jerry Hargatin: Oh. Thank God. For a second, you had me more worried than a vegetarian cannibal. [ a beat ] Now, each of the cards in this stack contains the name of a targeted sales lead for our product. It's the best list of leads money can buy, courtesy of our friends at SalesGenie.com. [ holds up card ] Thomas J. Powers. Watch me.. [ dramatic pause ] make that sale. [ dials phone, waits for an answer ] Hello, darling. This is Jerry Hargatin, calling for Mr. Thomas J. Powers. Yes, thank you. [ to Sarah, as he waits to be transferred ] Putty in my hands. [ his lead answers ] Thomas! This is Jerry Hargatin calling, on behalf of the Diablo Surge Co. Now, I know you're a busy man, sir, what with running your own business and raising four children, so I won't take up too much of your time. I'd like to tell you how you can save over $5,000 a year in electrical services with the Diablo Surge Suppression device. With the Diablo -- hello? [ taps against the headpiece ] Hello? [ cradles the phone, rubs his hands over his squinting eyes and squeezes his nose while taking deep, frustrated breaths ] Sarah: What happened, Mr. Hargatin? Jerry Hargatin: The sonofabitch hung up on me! [ continues to take deep, frustrated breaths ] Sarah: What do we do now, move on to next lead? Jerry Hargatin: No. We call that jackass Powers right back and make him buy our product? Sarah: What do you mean, "make" him? Jerry Hargatin: Sarah, in this business, you do what you have to do to make the sale - even if it means breaking a few skulls along the way. [ redials the phone ] Sarah: I'm not sure I understand -- Jerry Hargatin: Just you watch. [ into the phone ] Alright, you little tramp! Put that rat bastard Mr. Powers back on the line, or, I swear to God, I'll march down there and kick him so hard in the head he'll have to call himself long-distance just to take a crap! [ silence, as he waits ] Powers? You've got a lot of balls hanging up on me in the middle of a sales pitch! Maybe you don't know me, but I'm Jerry Hargatin, the top sales guy at the Diablo Surge Co., and nobody - I mean, NOBODY - refuses to buy our product through ME! That's right, buddy, I am one tough hombre. But I'm also fair. I'm letting you know all about me, because I know all about you. Yeah, for example, I know you have four young children, and I know where they live. Now, what I don't know, but what I'm assuming, is that you love those four children very much, and I would imagine that the last thing you'd want to see upon waking up one morning is four sets of tiny, blood-splattered arms poking up out of the garbage disposal in your kitchen! [ a beat ] Ah, so I assumed correctly. Oh, but don't you assume that that would mean the kids are dead. Oh, no. They're still alive, all right, but just long enough for you to watch as I finish them off, one by one. Oh yeah, Powers. It's gonna be gruesome, and it's gonna haunt you forever! You won't be watching this on videotape, where you can turn it off and hide from it in shame. No, you'll be watching it live from the front row, in all its horror and glory. How will I cause their demise, you ask? Will I line them up by age? Alphabetically? Or will it be one random killing after another? We'll just both have to be surprised, but you can bet it's not going to be enjoyable - at least, not for you. Now, I'm a nice guy. I don't think it's too much to ask of you to listen to my sales pitch for the Diablo Surge Suppression device, do you? No, I didn't think so. [ a beat ] Anyway.. that's my pitch. It's really up to you - would you rather save over $5,000 a year in electrical services with the Diablo Surge Suppression device, or would you rather watch your children die a slow, grisly death through means I can't even do justice to by describing over the phone because you'd have to see it to truly appreciate it? [ a beat ] What's that, did I hear correctly? You'll take 10 surge suppression devices? [ a beat ] No, you say 20 is more your number? Good choice, Powers, you're a good man. I think you'll be pleased by your selection. I'm going to transfer you over to my sales assistant so we can get your order shipped just as soon as possible. Please hold. [ presses button, turns to Sarah ] All yours. Sarah: [ clearly horrified ] My God.. I can't believe what I just witnessed! Jerry Hargatin: I see you're impressed. Ask around. No one in this office can match my sales volume. Sarah: I'm absolutely frightened for my life. Jerry Hargatin: That's not unusual. This much workload on the first day can be quite overwhelming, but I'm sure you'll get the hang of things quickly. If you don't mind, I'll be in the mens room celebrating my achievement while you process Mr. Powers' order. [ Jerry exits office ] Sarah: Celebrating? Jerry Hargatin: For God's sake, Sarah. Process the man's order first, then you can come in and watch. Business before pleasure, darling, always remember that. [ Jerry exits office ] Sarah: [ slowly picks up phone, smiles ] Hello, Mr. Powers? Yes, I'll be processing your order, but, first, could you answer one question for me? [ a beat ] Will you please hire me away from this company? [ fade on her panicking face ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
