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Announcer.....Don Pardo .....Amy Poehler .....Tina Fey .....Fred Armisen .....Andy Samberg .....Jason Sudeikis .....Gavin Rossdale Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: It's so good to have you back on the show at last, Tina. As rewarding as I'm sure parenting is, we're all glad you were able to finally come back. Tina Fey: Actually, I don't give a damn about the kid. The only reason I stayed home all this time was because my vagina hurt like hell. Amy Poehler: Well, it's good to have you and your vagina back in one piece. Tina Fey: Right. so let's do this. Here are tonight's top stories. President Bush has announced that he will veto a Congressional proposal that would impose limits on how U.S. soldiers treat detainees of war. Some critics have claimed that this act will give military officials free reign to torture prisoners of war, meaning that soon enemy detainees may be subjected to horrors such as this. (The screen cuts to a clip of one of Amy Poehler's "Caitlin" sketches, where she is annoying Horatio Sanz) Amy Poehler: (loudly) Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! (The screen returns to the Update desk. Tina is laughing, while Amy seems rather shocked) Amy Poehler: (upset) Aw, come on! That was low, Tina! Tina Fey: (chuckling) I know, I know, that's why I went with it. (sighs) Ah, it's good to be back. This past week, the Nation of Islam organized another Million Man March in Washington D.C., while a demonstration by the American Nazi Party in Toledo was called off due to violent protest. This cancellation, in addition to a failed demonstration by MeCha in Los Angeles, sadly ruined "Hate Across America 2005." Better luck next year, ya racist bastards. Amy Poehler: A series of four misprinted stamps from 1918 was purchased at auction by an anonomous buyer for nearly 3 million dollars. The stamps were shipped out after payment was received, but ironically, they were returned to the auction house due to insufficient postage. Authorities in Australia issued a parking ticket to a man sitting in his car in a mall parking lot for refusing to move, not realizing that he had been dead for more than a week. Police officials apologized for the mistake and revoked the parking ticket, though the dead man was still fined AUD$200 for public loitering. Tina Fey: A new opinion poll revealed that Birmingham, London has been named the rudest city in Britain. When reached for a comment by our action reporter, one Birmingham resident said, "Screw off, ya dumb broad!" Very rude. And now here with a commentary on Harriet Miers, is our political correspondent, Fred Armisen. Fred Armisen: Thank you! Tonight, I want to discuss the one thing that most people are talking about…Harriet Miers! President Bush really did it this time, I’m telling you! Bush is all over this nomination…but even his advisors are skeptical. Dick Cheney has really been “biting his tongue”! During press conferences, when Bush is asked a question about Harriet Miers, Bush answers with “Because she’s a wonderful and dear friend of mine!” Cheney just starts shaking his head…and muttering something like, “George, if you weren’t the president, I would run you over with my car for the good of mankind.” Even the White House knows Harriet Miers isn’t qualified to a Supreme Court Justice! How do I know this? Well, the simple fact, she didn’t graduate from Yale or Harvard Law School…but that she did graduate from the 2nd best law school in Texas! That’s like saying you graduated from Clown College! What does that make you qualified to do? Entertain little kids! Which explains why President Bush likes her! But getting back to Harriet Miers! Don’t get the impression that George & Harriet are strangers! They aren’t! They’re so close…Harriet Miers is so close to President Bush, you take away Laura Bush, they’re “Friends With Benefits”! Nepotism at it’s best! I’m not saying Harriet Miers shouldn’t be the next Justice. She’s not a bad person for the job, but hell, with the end of the world near, why isn’t Bush considering Paris Hilton for the Supreme Court? Couldn’t be any worse than Pauly Shore – in a straight-to-video release of “In The Supreme Court, Now!” But really, even if an unqualified female is the next Supreme Court judge, then I guess affirmative action really is working! Thank you! Tina Fey: Fred Armisen, everyone! Amy Poehler: A panel of federal health advisers have declared that antibacterial soaps actually do very little to combat infection. When asked about what would be recommended as an effective means of preventing infection, the head of the panel replied, "No anitbacterial soap, antibacterial radio." (a beat, then a sigh) I cannot believe I told that stupid joke. Tina Fey: Now Category Two Hurricane Wilma made landfall on Cancun Saturday morning, and forwarded the following postcard greeting to Weekend Update: [ image of postcard with message: ] "The weather is here, wish you were beautiful." And on the back added: "Sorry I couldn't be more creative, but I'm kinda busy destroying Mexico's way of life right now." Amy Poehler: Los Angeles police issued a warrant, on Friday, for the arrest of The Cop from “The Village People”, otherwise known as Victor Edward Wills. Tina, are you thinking what I’m thinking? Tina Fey: Hit it! (Cue Music – “YMCA” by The Village People) "Young man, there's no need to feel down! I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground! I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town! There's no need to be unhappy! Young man, there's a place you can go! I said, young man, when you're short on your dough! You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find! Many ways to have a good time! It's fun to stay at the L-A-C-J! It's fun to stay at the L-A-C-J! They have everything for you men to enjoy, You can hang out with all the boys! It's fun to get ass-raped! It's fun to get ass-raped! You can get yourself sold, You can have a good meal, You can become someone’s bitch!" (Amy & Tina sit down as music fades out) Tina Fey: Thank you. Tina Fey: While unveiling the new Air Force One, President Bush quipped, "Stewardess, is there a movie on this flight?" A Stanford University class got a surprise on Friday, when actress Cameron Diaz showed up to help give a lecture on environmental friendly design. Though, some of the students were just a little disappointed because Diaz didn’t shake her ass for half the lecture. Amy Poehler: And now, here with a new segment on Weekend Update called News That Affects Me Personally, is corrspondent Andy Samberg. Andy Samberg: Thank you, Amy. As I'm sure most of our viewers will agree, there are two types of news viewers in America: those who watch the news 24 hours a day, and those who barely pay attention at all. Frankly, I'm not one of those people who'll watch CNN, FOX News, and other so-called 24-hour news broadcast services. After all, there's only so much news that can take place at any one time, and what the hell am I supposed to do about it, anyway? You see, I lead a busy life as a featured player on "Saturday Night Live", so I need my news fast, and I need it to matter to me personally. More times than not, things being talked about on the news don't affect me, and they probably won't affect you, either, so let's dissect some of this week's headlines and see how much of it really is relevant. One big story making headlines this week is the outbreak of Bird Flu. Look, I could care less about that. You know why? Because I'm NOT a bird! I don't know any birds, I don't hang around with any birds, I'm not interested in them sexually, so this doesn't affect me! Personally, I think the entire thing's a hoax, created by a sick, twisted bastard who loves puns. Bird Flu, right. Is that some kind of double meaning, like Cattle Drive or Cat Walk? When I do get the flu, I drink plenty of chicken soup. But that probably won't do the birds any good, unless they're sick, twisted bastards, too. What about news from Aruba? Natalee Holloway's still missing. Was she drugged? Raped? Dead? Three dudes with weird names are suspects in this case. Why am I supposed to care? Whatever happened to her, she's off the market so there's no way I can date her, anyway. Big deal. Plenty more fish in the sea, my friends. I mean that both literally and figuratively. Of course, the biggest story this week has to be Hurricane Wilma, who's personally responsible for an onslaught of the worst Flintstones jokes in history. Thank God this is a major hurricane, so we can retire the name and never have to live through this again. And how cool is it that we're at the end of the alphabet yet the hurricane season is still not over? That's right, we still have 37 days to go. Do you know what that means? That's right, George Bush stll has 37 chances to kick New Orleans' ass! Look at these people - not only do they live below sea level, but they KNOW they live below sea level! And then, when a Category 5 hurricane is spinning right at them, they say, "Oh, it'll turn right." Next thing you know, they're all on their roofs yelling, "Please save me! I may be an idiot, but I know how to make my johnson work." Here in New York, I could care less. We don't get many hurricanes up this way. That's a tip, by the way, for all you folks on edge because you're constantly getting hit by hurricanes. MOVE ELSEWHERE!! How about Canada? No hurricanes! Seattle? Nope! Iraq? Lots of problems there, but hurricanes ain't one of 'em! Though all these storms don't affect me personally, I am enticed by the record number of them striking the south this year because we're heading for the Greek Alphabet! That's right, get ready for Hurricanes Alpha, Beta, Gamma.. and hey, how cool would it be if Alpha is a big one, and we have to retire the name? What do we do, then, skip "A" next year or use an alternate name? How about Aristotle, or Aesop, or some other Greek dude whose name starts with "A"? What if all the Greek letters are big-ass storms that earn their gold watches? Maybe then we move on to naming hurricanes after celebrity children: A as in Apple, C as in Caspar, D as in Dweezil - hey, Hurricane Moon Unit, anybody? Amy Poehler: Alright, that's enough. Andy Samberg and the News That Affects him Personally, everybody. Tina Fey: FOX announced this week that they have officially cancelled Paris Hilton & Nicole Richie’s reality show “The Simple Life”. Apparently, the network just couldn’t deal with the redness and the itching anymore. Amy Poehler: While trying to make really small quantum dots, Vanderbilt University grad student, Michael Bowers, created a new level of LED lighting that may ultimately make Thomas Edison's ages-old light bulb obsolete. Not to worry, for Edison will still be able maintain his legacy for the invention of the phonograph - whatever that is. Last year, Chris Claypool, a 37-year-old agricultural sales director from Post Falls, Idaho, noticed a throbbing sensation - referred to as "BlackBerry Thumb" - whenever he typed excessively on on his BlackBerry wireless handheld. Said Claypool, "It affects business because I can't whack away on my BlackBerry like I used to. It's just too painful." It's just a small suggestion, Chris, but from now on you might want to try a little romance to set the mood. Some flowers, soft music, lights dimmed, to rekindle the flames between you and your BlackBerry. Or you might want to move out of the spare bedroom in your parents' house and take a wife, but hey, what do I know? Tina Fey: Roberto Benigni this week became nude during a live television interview on Italian Television. Proving that, even after 8 years, he still “LOVES EVERYBODY! I WANT TO KISS EVERYBODY!” Amy Poehler: NBC & Jesse Ventura are in talks to give the former Minnesota governor a sitcom. Hey NBC, that’s a perfect way to get out of 4th place! Give an ex-wrestler a sitcom! These are the same crackpot idealists that thought up giving a sitcom deal to Emeril Lagasse! BAM! You’re in 4th place and you’re going to stay there! Actor William Shatner was taken to the hospital this week with what doctors are calling “back problems”. While in the hospital, Shatner will see what doctors can do about removing a “cling-on” from his ass! Tina Fey: A man was arrested this week when he reportedly burglarized “LOST” star Josh Holloway’s home in Hawaii. This came to shock several “LOST” fan who thought Josh Holloway, I mean, “Sawyer” was lost on some mysterious island somewhere. I guess some kind of truth is out now…that the show is pure fantasy! Amy Poehler: And now here with a commentary is our music correspondent, Jason Sudeikis. Jason Sudeikis: Hey Amy! How you’re doing? Really quick! I just want to comment on Ashlee Simpson’s performance on our last episode. Hey Ashlee, Jewel called! She wants “Who Will Save Your Soul?” back! Anyhow, tonight, I wanted to talk about the unbelievably beautiful singer, Joss Stone. However, I’m not a huge fan of her music, I just like watching her… (more perverted tone in his voice) and listening to her in interviews. She’s sexy to look at, and just as sexy when she talks on TV. You know, she’s a sexy British import! Anyhow, I was forced to change my topic because I broke my mute button on my remote watching those late night “Girls Gone Wild” infomercials! Don’t judge me, Amy! So, tonight, I’m going to talk about Gavin Rossdale. Please don’t ask me how I came up this topic! It just came to me! Ladies want to be with him, men want to be him. He’s married to the equally good-looking Gwen Stefani. He also has a new band called “Institute”. Now here’s what I’ve been wondering about…Did Gavin start a new band so he could be on our show again? Folks, I don’t know if you know about the curse involving Gavin Rossdale and SNL. You see, Gavin use to have this band called “Bush”. They performed on SNL, twice, in 1995 and 1996. The hosts of those episodes were Madeline Khan and Phil Hartman, respectfully. Phil Hartman was killed in May 1998, Madeline Khan passed away in December 1999. That’s the curse! So what, Gavin, you thought that if you got yourself a new band, that would change things? Not happening. Gavin, if we booked your new band on the show, we would probably do that episode without a host. Why, because after they hear this little commentary, no one would want to host SNL with you as the musical guest. Gavin, I love your music, I love jerking off to your hot wife, but I don’t see you appearing on our show anytime soon! Thank you and good night! (Sudeikis walks off the stage, heading to his dressing room) Amy Poehler: Jason Sudeikis, ladies and gentlemen. (Camera follows Sudeikis backstage) (Gavin Rossdale confronts Sudeikis) Gavin Rossdale: Hey! What’s your name, again? Jason Sudeikis: Gavin, pleasure to meet you! I’m Jason Sudeikis, (snaps his fingers) featured player! (Give a cheesy grin and thumbs up to the camera) Gavin Rossdale: Yeah, Jason, nice bit. Jason Sudeikis: Oh, thank you. Gavin Rossdale: Go to hell! (Gavin Rossdale punches out Sudekis) Featured player, my ass! (Gavin Rossdale walks out of the studio) (Camera cuts back to the Update stage) Amy Poehler: Before we leave you tonight, we must share with you some sad news in the SNL family. On October 7, Charlie Rocket killed himself. Some longtime SNL fans might remember that he anchored “Weekend Update” during the 1980-1981 season of Saturday Night Live. Tina Fey: Rocket was talented performer who brought SNL fans a great deal of laughter from his Ronald Reagan impression, his witty “Rocket Reports” and the almost uncanny “cheesy news man” persona he brought to “Weekend Update”. Amy Poehler: Despite being just known as a “parody” style anchorman, Rocket has much success in films when he left SNL in 1981. He appeared in several films, “Dumb & Dumber” and “Dances With Wolves”. Tina Fey: Rocket, we miss you…wherever you are! (Fade to an archive clip of Charles Rocket ending “Weekend Update”) Charles Rocket: Good night and…watch out! (Still frame of Charles Rocket 1949 – 2005) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
