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Mr. Nelson...Chris Parnell Max Jones...Finesse Mitchell Judge Gale...Kenan Thompson Mrs. Sears...Amy Poehler Wonder Woman...Catherine Zeta-Jones Andy the Bailiff...Will Forte Announcer...Darrell Hammond [SCENE: A courtroom. Max Jones, the defendant, is on the stand. He is being questioned by Mr. Nelson, the prosecutor.] Mr. Nelson: Now, Mr. Jones, I'm just going to ask you this straight out. Isn't it true that you were the one who robbed the Chinese grocery store and killed the owner and his fifteen sons? [Max Jones pauses for a moment to collect his thoughts. He then leans toward the microphone placed in front of him.] Max Jones: Uh, no. It is not. Mr. Nelson: [bemused] Oh, so you deny the charge? Even though the surveillance camera clearly shows a man of your height, weight, and race entering the grocery store, killing the men, and subsequently leaving the store? And even though the footage clearly shows the man waving at the camera and excitedly mouthing "Hey! Hey! I'm Max Jones! I did this! Ain't it awesome? Hell yeah!" Max Jones: [nodding his head] Yeah, that's correct. I didn't do nothing. Mr. Nelson: Very well, Mr. Jones. [to Judge Gale] Your honor, I wish to introduce a new member of my team who will be able to prove that Mr. Jones is committing perjury as we speak. Judge Gale: Very well. I'll allow it. Mr. Nelson: Splendid. Your honor, it is my privilege to present to the court...Wonder Woman! [The courtroom gasps] [Wonder Woman enters the courtroom] [Mrs. Sears, Max Jones's lawyer, stands up to object.] Mrs. Sears: Your honor, I object! [Judge Gale ignores Mrs. Sears as he is too busy staring at Wonder Woman with a glazed look on his face] Mrs. Sears: [annoyed] Your honor! Judge Gale: [startled] Oh, w-w-what? Mrs. Sears: I said I object! Judge Gale: Uh, on what grounds? Mrs. Sears: Wonder Woman doesn't belong in a courtroom! She doesn't even have a law degree! Judge Gale: [nodding his head] Well, that's a good point... Wonder Woman: [interrupting] Actually, your honor, I do have a law degree. Mrs. Sears: [shocked] You do? Wonder Woman: Yes. I passed the bar last month. I'm licensed to practice here on Earth and on my home world of Amazonia. Judge Gale: [impressed] Wow, that's amazing. But where did you find the time to save the world on a daily basis and get a law degree? Wonder Woman: [laughing] It certainly wasn't easy, I can tell you that. I almost missed my bar exam thanks to Lex Luthor and the Ultra Humanite. Judge Gale: [impressed] Oh, when you stopped that train robbery last week? Wow. [pause] Well, it looks like I'm going to have to allow this. Proceed, Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman: Thank you, your honor. [Mrs. Sears sits down with an angry look on her face while Wonder Woman approaches Max Jones.] Wonder Woman: Good afternoon, Mr. Jones. Max Jones: Yeah, how's it going? Look, can we hurry this along? I really wanna get home to my little bundle of joy. Wonder Woman: [surprised] Oh, you have a new baby? Max Jones: A baby? Who said anything about a baby? I was talking about my ho. She's a little thing, only five feet tall. I prefer them that way, but I can make an exception for a certain superhero lawyer, if you know what I mean... [Wonder Woman shudders] Wonder Woman: I'm afraid I do. Anyway, Mr. Jones, do you choose to stand by your statement that you are innocent of the crime of which you are accused? Max Jones: Yeah, I didn't kill any of those people. And I sure as hell didn't steal a bunch of lotto scratchers on my way out of the store either. Wonder Woman: Very well then. Since you've decided to lie to me, I'm just going to have to force the truth out of you. [Wonder Woman reaches down to her belt and equips her lasso] Wonder Woman: Do you know what this is? Max Jones: Ain't that one of those things that cowboys use? Wonder Woman: Exactly, it's a lasso. I'm going to use it on you. Max Jones: [excitedly] Really? [pause] Wait, with all of these people watching? I mean, I guess I can go for that. It's not gonna cost extra, is it? Because I'm short on cash. I only won six bucks from those damn lotto scratchers. Wonder Woman: [disgusted] No, it's nothing like that! This is a special lasso that makes people tell the truth. [Mrs. Sears stands up] Mrs. Sears: Objection, your honor! Tying up my client with a lasso? This line of questioning is ludicrous and should not be allowed! Judge Gale: Well, I guess we can leave it up to Mr. Jones. [to Max Jones] Are you okay with Wonder Woman tying you up with her truth-telling lasso? Max Jones: [to Judge Gale] Oh, I'm definitely cool with that, your judgeship. [to Wonder Woman, excitedly] Tie me up, Wonder Woman! Rrowrr! Wait until I tell this to my buddy K-Dog! [Mrs. Sears slaps her forehead out of frustration and sits back down] Wonder Woman: [sighing] Here we go. [Wonder Woman begins twirling her lasso above her head. As she twirls it, all of the men in the courtroom look at her intently. Wonder Woman then flings the lasso around Max Jones and tightens it, causing Max Jones to struggle a little bit.] Wonder Woman: Struggling will only makes things more difficult, Mr. Jones, so don't make things harder than they need to be. Max Jones: Lady, my thing is already hard, believe me! Happened the second you walked into this courtroom! Wonder Woman: [disgusted] Ugh. Look, Mr. Jones, you're going to give it to me... Max Jones: Oh, I'll definitely give it to you! For as long as possible! My record is thirteen minutes, but I don't think I could get anywhere near that judging by the looks of you. I'd probably have to say three minutes tops. Five if I take deep breaths. Maybe seven if I close my eyes. Just get this lasso off of me and I'll ravage you like you've never been ravaged before! Wonder Woman: [annoyed] I meant the truth, Mr. Jones. I want you to tell us the truth. Were you the one who murdered the Chinese man and his family? Max Jones: Oh yeah, sure. [The courtroom gasps. Mrs. Sears throws her hands up in the air and starts banging her head on the table at which she is seated.] Max Jones: [continuing] I did it on a dare. My buddy K-Dog said "Hey, J-Dog, I'm bored. Why don't you go kill that grocery store owner who always yells at us for looking through his dirty magazines?" And I said, "Sure. Sounds like fun." And so I go in there and kill him, and then as I'm walking out, I bump into one of his sons. He startled me, so I accidentally shot him. And then I turn around and see another one of the guy's kids, so I get started and kill him too. And wouldn't you know it, but that went and gave me a craving for Chinese, so I just had to take out the rest of them. And then I left, and an hour later I got the craving again, so then I went and killed some homeless people. And then after that, I saw some kids playing and I... Wonder Woman: [interrupting] Thank you, Mr. Jones. That's more than enough. Max Jones: [realized what has happened] Hey, this ain't cool! You used your sexual powers of persuasion to trick me! That isn't fair! Wonder Woman: I'm terribly sorry that you feel this way, Mr. Jones. Max Jones: Oh, that's okay. How about you make it up to me tonight? I'll give you the honor of being my first conjugal visitor. Wonder Woman: Thanks, but I have to wash my invisible jet tonight. Max Jones: [disappointed] Yeah, that's what they all say... [Judge Gale bangs his gavel] Judge Gale: That's it! I've heard enough. I'm ready to rule! [Wonder Woman retrieves her lasso and sits down at the table next to Mr. Nelson as Andy the Bailiff steps forward.] Andy the Bailiff: [shouting] All rise! Judge Gale will now render his verdict! [All of the women and a few of the men in the courtroom stand. The rest of the men remain seated with nervous looks on their faces.] Andy the Bailiff: [angered] I said all rise! Get up, all of you! No exceptions! Judge Gale wants everyone standing when he delivers his verdicts! Judge Gale: Uh, I think we can let it slide, Andy. I think Wonder Woman has already gotten a rise out of these gentlemen. [Judge Gale looks down at his crotch] Judge Gale: [muttering to himself] And me too, it would seem. [Judge Gale clears his throat and continues to speak] Judge Gale: Anyway, I've reached a verdict. I find Max Jones guilty of sixteen counts of manslaughter and thirty-seven counts of lotto-ticket theft. Mr. Jones will be held over for sentencing tomorrow morning at 10AM. [pause] Oh, and, uh, Wonder Woman, I need to see you in my chambers. You bring the lasso and I'll supply the candles. [Wonder Woman groans] Judge Gale: Court is adjourned! [Judge Gale bangs his gavel, and the courtroom erupts in conversations] Wonder Woman: [muttering to herself] I knew quitting the Justice League was a mistake... [Cut to a graphic of Wonder Woman smiling triumphantly] Announcer (VO): When you can't afford Daredevil, call Wonder Woman, Attorney at Law! She'll get you off...one way or another! [FADE OUT] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
