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Shelley Long...Amy Poehler David Marks...Chris Parnell Scott McMullen...Seth Meyers Walter...Andy Samberg ...Lance Armstrong Ozzie Guillen...Horatio Sanz (talk show-like stage similar to Ellen or Oprah) Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for “The Shelley Long Show,” with Shelley Long. (theme music plays, cheesy talk show-like song; Shelley Long appears and audience applauds wildly) Shelley Long: Hello, everyone. Thank you, thank you so much. Wow. Really. Wow. Uh-huh. Yeesh. I don’t believe this. This is incredible. Well, everyone, it looks like we still have a show, isn’t it great? (audience applauds) Yes. That’s right, we have been on for two weeks, and that says something. That says something. David Marks (voice): (lightly) Yes. Thank God. Shelley Long: What’s that, David? Oh yes. David Marks, our producer, ladies and gentlemen. David Marks. (audience applauds; cut to David Marks with headphones looking antsy) David Marks: Yes, thank you. Shelley Long: You know, everyone, David Marks has been producing numbers of great TV shows over the years, right? Right, David? Right? David Marks: That’s right, Shelley. Let’s get this show rolling, though. We have a lot to get to. Shelley Long: David, tell everyone what you have produced over the years. David Marks: We really should be getting to... Shelley Long: Oh, come on, tell everyone. Come on. David Marks: (somwhat humiliated) Um, “The Richard Simmons Sweatin’ To The Oldies Volume 6” videotape, uh, the series “Cooking With Paprika.” Let’s see, another videotape entitled “Card Tricks And How To Pull Them Off.” The....dreaded list...goes on. Shelley Long: Hahahahaha. You’re great, David. In fact, that paprika show helped me with the flavor problem in my mashed potatoes. David Marks: (frustrated and with his hand covering his face) We have a terrific show. Shelley Long: Terrific isn’t the word, David. We have the Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen on the show today. Yes, his team won the big World Series game a couple of days ago. Now, that’s baseball, right, Scott? (cut to band with Scott McMullen on guitar sitting down, and behind him are backup, with Walter as drummer) Scott McMullen: Yes, baseball. And the World Series is a number of games. Shelley Long: What’s that, Scott? Scott McMullen, ladies and gentlemen. (audience applauds) Scott McMullen: Yeah, I said that the World Series is a best-of-7 series of games. Shelley Long: Wow, that’s weird, huh. Scott McMullen: (somewhat bitter) Not really, no. I think we should listen to David and get the show started, though, okay? Walter: Yeah, we have a great show. Shelley Long: Now, who’s that, Scott? Scott McMullen: That’s my new drummer, Walter. Shelley Long: Oh, well, hello Walter. Walter: Hello. Shelley Long: Walter, do you have a last name? (laughs wildly) Walter: No, actually. Shelley Long: (surprised) Oh. Walter: It’s like Madonna, or Sting. Shelley Long: Anyway, also with us today. This man is a true champion in anybody’s eyes. After fighting cancer, ew, this cyclist has gone on to win a total of seven Tour De France biking championships. Wow! Lance Armstrong is on the show today. (audience applauds) Walter: It’s gonna be a great show. Scott McMullen: (shocked) Don’t, man. It’ll just distract her. Shelley Long: What’s that, boys? Walter: Nothing. Shelley Long: You know, the last time I worked with this many children was when I was in “The Brady Bunch.” (laughs devilishly) Scott McMullen: Good one, Diane. (Long gives an angry look toward him) Shelley Long: Let’s get on with the show. (audience applauds, Long goes over and sits in her chair behind the desk) What a comfy chair. Just so comfortable. So comfy. And look at this beautiful desk. So spacious. I like to put my baubles on the top of the desk here. (cut of David Marks staring at her with awestruck look on his face) Look at this. This is a butterfly made entirely out of papier mache. Papier mache. Those words just roll off the tongue. (cut to Scott McMullen staring at her with disdain) And right here we have an ashtray for the guests during commercial breaks. And no, I don’t smoke, for all of you watching out there. You curious devils, you. And all over the ashtray is....you guessed it: butterflys. Painted in the stain right here. I don’t smoke, never would. Hahahahahaha. (cut to Walter spinning his sticks and looking bored) Anyway, let’s get on with show, huh? (audience applauds) Okay, our first guest today is Ozzie Guillen. (Lance Armstrong comes out and hugs/kisses Long and sits down on the couch) Isn’t that couch comfy? My chair is. So, Ozzie, what was it like winning that World Series game? Lance Armstrong: Actually, I’m not Ozzie Guillen. Shelley Long: (becomes enraged and speaks softly) What? Lance Armstrong: I’m not Ozzie Guillen. I’m Lance Armstrong. There must have been some mistake. (Long stands up and stares at David Marks; as she does a bucket of a red substance falls all over her; she looks shocked and looks directly at David) David Marks: Oh, my apologies. They were working on getting all of that pig blood washed up on the eighteenth floor. Guess some of it seeped through. Walter: It’s funny. Hahahahahaha! (audience laughs, Scott laughs, David laughs) Lance Armstrong: Are you alright? (Long gets a ridiculous glare on her face, and a la “Carrie,” shuts the doors with her eyes and in filmed clip: David gets impaled on microphone stand, Scott is bashed over the head with a guitar until dead, and Walter is thrown out the window; audience is seen laying dead on the ground) (Clip of gravesite, a la “Carrie,” saying Diane Chambers Will Fry In Hell; Lance Armstrong slowly approaches wreckage of home, kneels down, and hand comes out of debris, and out comes Shelley Long) Shelley Long: I’m not Diane Chambers! (filmed clips are over, and Long is back sitting at her desk daydreaming) David Marks: Shelley! Shelley! Shelley Long: Huh, huh? What? David Marks: We’re back from commercial break. Shelley Long: Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. Our...our first guest tonight is Lance Armstrong. Everyone, Lance Armstrong. (Ozzie Guillen comes out) Ozzie Guillen: Actually, I’m Ozzie Guillen. Not Lance Armstrong. Sorry about the mixup. (Long stand up and tries to telekinetically shut the doors and can’t) Shelley Long: Okay, we’re going to take another quick break. (as break persists Ozzie doesn’t know what’s going on, and Long starts smoking a cigarette and walks off-set) (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
