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...Lance Armstrong ...Horatio Sanz ...Lorne Michaels ...Marci Klein Don Pardo (VO): Ladies and gentlemen, Lance Armstrong! [Lance Armstrong comes out of the door and stands at homebase. The audience applauds while the theme song ends.] Lance Armstrong: Thanks! I appreciate that! [The audience finishes applauding.] Lance Armstrong: Wow, thanks. I can't believe I'm here hosting "Saturday Night Live." For those of you who don't know me, my name is Lance Armstrong and I won the Tour de France for the last seven years in a row. This past race was my final outing and I've since retired from the Tour. [The audience applauds] Lance Armstrong: Now, I'm going to be honest with you guys. I'm an athlete, so I don't have much sketch-comedy experience, but I promise that I'll try my best tonight. At the very least, you have my word that I will give you folks a better show than that hack Tom Brady. I mean, "Tom Brady's Falafel City"? What's up with that? [The audience laughs] Lance Armstrong: Before we get things started, I just want to point out that I'm hosting tonight without the use of any performance enhancements. [to the director] Beth, can we get a reverse shot? [The camera cuts to Lance Armstrong's point-of-view and reveals that there are no cue-cards being used. The camera then returns to Lance Armstrong.] Lance Armstrong: See? No cue-cards. If I'm going to host this show, I'm going to do it honorably. Unlike some people. [Lance Armstrong quickly coughs "Tom Brady" under his breath] Lance Armstrong: So, I don't want any accusations later that I cheated, okay? Great. Now, with that out of the way, I have some big news to tell everyone. It seems that the producers liked my performance in dress rehearsal so much that we worked out a new deal. I'm going to be hosting the next six shows after this one, which means that I'm going to be hosting seven episodes in a row! [excitedly] Can you believe that? They even said that they'll be renaming the show "Saturday Night Lance" for that time! Isn't it great? [The audience half-applauds as they are confused by the news] Lance Armstrong: Oh yeah, I do have to inform you that all of the people who were already booked to host those episodes have been dropped. I heard them mention Jack Black, Steve Martin, Christopher Walken, and Will Ferrell, but I don't think they were expecting any of those shows to be good, so I think you guys are getting a great deal here. I mean, shows hosted by athletes generally turn out well, right? Except for ones hosted by Tom Brady, of course. So, anyway, I figured that, since I have seven monologues to do, I'll tell a seven part story, each time ending with a cliffhanger. So, here we go. [Lance Armstrong takes a dramatic pause and then begins to tell his story] Lance Armstrong: A long time ago, a sinister man in a sinister house was undertaking a most sinister act... [Cut to Lorne Michaels and Horatio Sanz standing backstage watching Lance Armstrong on a monitor] Horatio Sanz: [confused] Wait, does that mean Sheryl Crow is going to be the musical guest for the next seven shows too? [Lorne shakes his head negatively] Horatio Sanz: [angered] Damn it! [Horatio looks down at his crotch] Horatio Sanz: Sorry, little guy. Easy come, easy go. [Horatio walks off in disgust. As he leaves, Marci Klein, the woman in charge of booking guests, approaches Lorne.] Marci Klein: Lorne, I think you're going to have to cancel the "Lance goes for seven in a row" idea. Lorne Michaels: Really? Why? Marci Klein: We've already started getting calls from publicists. One of them is threatening to sue us if his client doesn't get to host since he really needs the money to feed his family. And when I say family, I mean his drug habit. [Lorne shakes his head] Lorne Michaels: Are you talking about Jack or Will? Marci Klein: Oh, well, both of them, actually. And Walken is angry since it would be the one week out of the year where he wouldn't be working on any projects. He canceled a lucrative Japanese dog food commercial to host that week and so he's pretty upset. [Lorne sighs and takes a deep breath] Lorne Michaels: Well, I guess we won't go ahead with it then since it's causing so many problems. [Lorne presses a button on the monitor and is about to speak over the intercom] [Return to Lance Armstrong at homebase telling his story] Lance Armstrong: And then, the sinister man sinisterly approached the sinister-looking house... Lorne Michaels (VO): [interrupting] Lance, can you come back here? We have a problem. Lance Armstrong: [surprised] Oh, sure, Lorne. [to the audience] Excuse me, folks, I'll be right back. [A stagehand rushes up to the stage and brings Lance Armstrong a bicycle. Armstrong hops on it and cycles down the hallway to Lorne. He reaches Lorne and then gets off the bicycle.] Lance Armstrong: What's up, Lorne? Lorne Michaels: Lance, we can't have you host seven shows in a row. It's just not going to work out. The people we already booked are upset, and the audience probably wouldn't stand for it anyway. Lance Armstrong: [disappointed] Oh really? Lorne Michaels: Yes. Our research shows that the only person they could handle hosting seven shows in a row is Paris Hilton, but she won't return our calls anymore. Lance Armstrong: [disappointed] Darn. Well, I guess I understand. Guess I'll just go finish up the monologue... [Lorne raises his hand to stop Lance] Lorne Michaels: Wait, there's one more thing... [Lorne makes a gesture and two men approach Lance Armstrong from off-camera] Lance Armstrong: [confused] Who are they? Lorne Michaels: They're here to make sure that everything is on the up and up. [to the men] Check his ears and back for a receiver. Lance Armstrong: [insulted] Lorne, I told you, I memorized all of my lines! Why is that so hard to believe? Lorne Michaels: [shaking his head] Because, Lance, if Snoop Dog couldn't do it, neither can you. Lance Armstrong: [insulted] I don't have to take this! [Lance jumps on his bicycle and pedals back down the hallway. He gets off the bicycle when he reaches homebase] Lance Armstrong: Well, looks like I'm hosting for this one night only. But anyway, we've got a great show. Our musical guest tonight is Sheryl Crow. I personally would have preferred Mariah Carey, but I guess we'll just have to make do with what we've got. [The audience laughs] Lance Armstrong: Anyway, stick around, we'll be right back! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
